“My belief is that we are going to eventually discover that the most dramatic health
benefits of humor are not in laughter, but in the cognitive and emotional management
that humorous experiences provide. The experience of humor relieves emotional
distress and assists in changing negative thinking patterns.”
Steven M. Sultanoff, Ph.D.

HumorMatterstm
Joke of the Week 2003

Click here:   for Joke of the Week in past years.

Be sure to visit our:  Hanukah , Christmas and New Year's Pages

December 14, 2003
Dedicated to all of you college football fans craving for the Bowl Season

Just a few hours before Saturday college kickoff a  housework challenged husband decided to wash his team logo sweatshirt.

Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to his wife, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"

"It depends," she replied. "What does it say on your shirt?" 

Proudly he yelled back, "University of Oklahoma.

November 23, 2003

In my family chocolate pie is part of the Thanksgiving Tradition and the following is to help you understand the importance of chocolate in your diet.

Chocolate is derived from cocoa beans.  Bean = vegetable.

 Sugar is derived from either sugar cane or sugar BEETS.

Both of them are plants, in the vegetable category. 
Thus, chocolate is a vegetable. 

To go one step further, chocolate candy bars also contain milk, 
which is dairy.  So, candy bars are a health food.

Chocolate-covered raisins, cherries, orange slices and strawberries all count as fruit, so eat as many as you want.

Remember - - - "STRESSED"spelled backward is "DESSERTS"

Share this to four people and you will lose 2 pounds.

Share this to all the people you know (or ever knew), and you will lose 10 pounds. If you ignore this message, you will gain 10 pounds immediately. 
That's why I had to pass this on - - - I didn't want to risk it.

November 9, 2003

12 Reasons to be Thankful you 
Burnt the Bird!

1. Salmonella won’t be a concern.
2. Everyone will think your turkey is Cajun blackened.
3. Uninvited guests will think twice next year.
4. Your cheese broccoli lima bean casserole will gain newfound appreciation.
5. Pets won’t bother to pester you for scraps.
6. No one will overeat.
7. The smoke alarm was due for a test.
8. Carving the bird will provide a good cardiovascular workout.
9. You’ll get to the desserts even quicker.
10. After dinner, the guys can take the bird to the yard and play football.
11. The less turkey Uncle You-Know-Who eats, the less likely he will be to walk around with his pants unbuttoned.
12. You won’t have to face three weeks of turkey sandwiches.

October 31, 2003

Two men were walking home after a Halloween party and decided to take a shortcut through the cemetery just for laughs. Right in the middle of the cemetery, they were startled by a tap-tap-tapping noise coming from the misty shadows.

Trembling with fear, they found an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at one of the headstones. "Holy cow, Mister," one of them said after catching his breath. "You scared us half to death -- we thought you were a ghost! What are you doing working here so late at night?" "Those fools!" the old man grumbled. "They misspelled my name!"

October 26, 2003
Now that we are about half way though the football season do you know your teams??

Pro Football Team Quiz

747’s
Pumas
Wise Sunbather
$1 for Corn
Midnight Snackers
6 Rulers
Uncle’s Spouse in the Army
Peter and Paul
Ewe’s Mate
Half Bovine-Half Man
Marine Bird
Loaders
Seven Squared
Spotted XJS
Credit Card User
Henry’s First Compact
A Girl’s Toy and a Fish’s Arm
Giant Person
American Forefathers
Fundamental Laws
I.O.U.’s
Six Shooters
Thieves
Streakers
King of Beasts
Tigers
US Bird
Equine Goes Wild
Edgar Allan Poe’s Bird
Indians Leader

 

October 12, 2003

This Week We Add a Little Football Humor

An elementary teacher starts her first assignment at a school in San Diego. She's trying to make a good first impression, so explains to her class that she's a Chargers fan.

She asks the class to raise their hands if they too are Charger fans. Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl.

The Teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says: "Mary, why didn't you raise your hand?"

Because I'm not a Chargers fan," she replied. The teacher, still shocked, asked: "Well, if you're not a Chargers fan, then what team do you like?"

"I'm an Bronco fan, and proud of it," Mary replied. The teacher could not believe her ears. "Mary, why are you a Bronco fan?"

"Because my mom and dad are from Denver and my mom is a Bronco fan and my dad is a Bronco fan, so I'm a Bronco fan, too!"

"Well," said the teacher, in an obviously annoyed tone, "that's no reason for you to be a Bronco fan. You do not have to be just like your parents all of the time. What if your mom was a prostitute and your dad was a drug addict and a car thief, what would you be then?"

Mary said, "I'd be a Raiders fan."

October 12, 2003

You Have Been Warned: 
Humor May be Dangerous to your Illness

You Won't Believe These Warning Labels!

Winners of the Wacky Warning Label Contest. Michigan Lawsuit Abuse Watch, a group whose goal is to show that fear of frivolous lawsuits has led to a loss of corporate common sense, sponsors an annual contest for the wackiest warning labels.

First Place:

Warning! Keep your pants on when sitting in the Interactive Health massage chair featuring "Human Touch Technology." The full text of this important safety tip read: "Do not use massage chair without clothing. Never force any body part into the backrest area while the rollers are moving."

Second Place: 

"Do not use snow blower on the roof."

Third Place: 

"Do not allow children to play in the dishwasher."

Previous winners in the "Wacky Warning Label Contest" are presented here for your amusement and amazement:

A warning on an electric router made for carpenters cautions, "This product not intended for use as a dental drill."

A warning label found on a baby stroller cautions the user: "
Remove child before folding."

A bottle of prescription sleeping pills says, "Warning:  May cause drowsiness."

A sticker on a toilet at a public facility in Ann Arbor, Michigan actually warns: "Recycled flush water unsafe for drinking."

A CD player carries this unusual warning: "Do not use the Ultradisc2000 as a projectile in a catapult."

An "Aim-n-Flame" fireplace lighter cautions, "Do not use near fire, flame, or sparks."

A label on a hand-held massager advises consumers not to use "while sleeping or unconscious."

A container of underarm deodorant says, "Caution: Do not spray in eyes."

A cartridge for a laser printer warns, "Do not eat toner."

A household iron warns users: "Never iron clothes while they are being worn."

A label with a hair dryer reads, "Never use hair dryer while sleeping."

A 13-inch wheel on a wheelbarrow warns: "Not intended for highway use."

A cardboard car sunshield that keeps sun off the dashboard warns, "Do not drive with sunshield in place."

A bathroom heater says: "This product is not to be used in bathrooms."

A can of self-defense pepper spray warns users: "May irritate eyes."

A warning on a pair of shin guards manufactured for bicyclists says: "Shin pads cannot protect any part of the body they do not cover."

A popular manufactured fireplace log warns: "Caution: Risk of Fire."

A box of birthday cake candles says: "DO NOT use soft wax as ear plugs or for any other function that involves insertion into a body cavity."

September 21, 2003

The Rabbi and the Priest

IA priest and a rabbi are sitting next to each other on an airplane.
After awhile the priest turns to the rabbi and asks,
"Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?"
The rabbi responds, "Yes, that is still one of our beliefs."
The priest then asks, "Have you ever eaten pork?" To which the rabbi replies
 "Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich"
The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading.
A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest,
"Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?"
The Father answers "Yes it is
The rabbi then asked him, "Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?
The priest replied, "Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke with my faith."
the rabbi nodded understandingly. He was silent for about five minutes, and then he said,
"Beats a ham sandwich, doesn't it?"

August 31, 2003

Be sure to check out our 
Labor Day Humor

August 24, 2003

Okay here are some quickies

Let's start with some "Bar" humor

A jumper cable walks into a bar. 
The bartender says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

A sandwich walks into a bar. 
The bartender says,  "Sorry, we don't serve food in here."

 A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

 A string walks into a bar. The bartender says "We don't serve strings here. "He crumples him up and tosses him out onto the sidewalk where he gets all scraped up and tangled. The string walks right back in and orders a drink. Amazed, the bartender asks, "Hey, aren't you that same string I just threw out?" The string answers, "No, I'm a frayed knot!"

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."

Two cannibals are eating a clown. 
One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

"Doc, I can't stop singing 'The green, green grass of home.'" 
"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome." 
"Is it common?" 
"It's not unusual."

Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," said Dolly. "It's true, no bull!"

Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I've  lost my electron." The other says, "Are you sure?"  The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, "My  dog's cross-eyed; is there anything you can do for him? " "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him" So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down." "What?, Because he's cross-eyed?" "No, because he's really heavy."

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

I went to the butcher's the other day and I bet him 50 bucks that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are too high."

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

What do you call a fish with no eyes? A f sh.

Two fish swim into a concrete wall. 
One turns to the other and says "dam".

August 17, 2003

EVER WONDER

 Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?

 Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?

 Why don't you ever see the headline ! "Psychic Wins Lottery"?

 Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?

 Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?

 Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on "Start"?

 Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

 Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

 Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

 Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

 When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?

 Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

 Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

 You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?

 Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

 Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

 If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

 If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

August 10, 2003

1. Only in America......can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

 2. Only in America......are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.

 3. Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

 4. Only in America......do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.

 5. Only in America......do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

 6. Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

 7. Only in America.....do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.

 8. Only in America.....do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

 9. Only in America......do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.

 10. Only in America.....do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.

July 27, 2003

While the recent tragedies caused by senior drivers are certainly not funny.  We can still poke some fun at the nature of senior drivers.  From humor colleague Karen L comes:

Top 10 Reasons You Are Too Old to Drive

10. You listen to AM radio

9. You look for earlybird gasoline specials

8. You have a pager to find your car keys

7. Your CAR is in a nursing home

6. When people ask you if you want to go for a drive, you say" it all Depends"

5. You rush to get home before sunset

4.You still remember drive-in movies

3.You take drive thru in its literal meaning

2. You think of the rules of the road more as guidelines
and the main reason, there have been 70 new model years since you first got your license.

July 20, 2003

Our Crazy Language

Did you know that "verb" is a noun?

How can you look up words in a dictionary if you can't spell them?

If a word is misspelled in a dictionary, how would we ever know?

If two mouses are mice and two louses are lice, why aren't two houses
hice?

If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?

If you wrote a letter, perhaps you bote your tongue?

If you've read a book, you can reread it. But wouldn't this also mean
that you would have to "member" somebody in order to remember them?

In Chinese, why are the words for crisis and opportunity the same?

Is it a coincidence that the only 15 letter word that can be spelled
without repeating a letter is uncopyrightable?

Is there another word for a synonym?

Shouldn't there be a shorter word for "monosyllabic"?

What is another word for "thesaurus"?

Where do swear words come from?

Why can't you make another word using all the letters in "anagram"?

Why do fat chance and slim chance mean the same thing?

Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?

Why do people use the word "irregardless"?

Why do some people type "cool" as "kewl?"

Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?

Why do we say something's out of order when its broken but we never say
in of order when it works?

Why does "cleave" mean both split apart and stick together?

Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?

Why does flammable and inflammable mean the same thing?

Why does the Chinese ideogram for trouble symbolize two women living
under one roof?

Why does X stand for a kiss and O stand for a hug?

Why doesn't "onomatopoeia" sound like what it is?

Why don't we say "why" instead of "how come"?

Why is "crazy man" an insult, while to insert a comma and say "Crazy,
man!" is a compliment?

Why are a wise man and wise guy opposites?

Why is abbreviation such a long word?

Why is dyslexic so hard to spell?

Why is it so hard to remember how to spell MNEMONIC?

Why is it that no word in the English language rhymes with month,
orange, silver, or purple?

Why is it that the word "gullible" isn't in the dictionary?

Why is it that we recite at a play and play at a recital?

Why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce
and hammers don't ham?

Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

Why is the plural of goose-geese, and not the plural of moose-meese?

Why isn't "palindrome" spelled the same way backwards?

Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?

July 6, 2003

Can You Hear me now????
Cell Phones abound.  
Here is some cell Language

Cell Pat:

The amusement when a group of people desperately pat their cell phones when a single phone rings

Cellmudgeon:

A person who is chronically annoyed by cell phones and their users

Cellibate:

One who does not own or use a cell phone

Cellout: 

One who breaks down and buys a cellphone

Dead Ringer: 

The melody of a dead composer used in place of a traditional ring

Dialogus interruptus: 

a cell phone interrupting a live conversation

Bermuda cell-angle:

a cell phone free zone where no coverage exists

June 29, 2003

There are three kinds of people:

Those who can count,
Those who can't. 

May 25, 2003

A Good Pun Is Its Own Reword.

 A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.

 Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.

 Practice safe eating - always use condiments.

 Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.

 A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.

 A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

 Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.

 Sea captains don't like crew cuts.

 Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

 Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.

 Reading while sunbathing makes you well-red.

 When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.

May 4, 2003

Please visit our Mother's Day page

April 27, 2003

Here it is a war time "Groaner"

News reports have filtered out early this morning that US forces have swooped on an Iraqi Primary School and detained teacher Mohammed Al-Hazar. Sources indicate that, when arrested, Al-Hazar was in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a set square and a calculator.
 
 US President George W Bush argued that this was clear and overwhelming evidence that Iraq did indeed possess weapons of math instruction.

April 20, 2003

Virus Warning

It seems that there is a virus out there called the "Senile" Virus.
Even the most advanced programs from Norton or McAfee can't take care of it. So be warned, it appears to affect those of us who were born before
1958!

Symptoms of "Senile" Virus:
 
1. Causes you to send the same e-mail twice.
2. Causes you to send a blank e-mail.
3. Causes you to send e-mail to the wrong person.
4. Causes you to send e-mail back to person who sent it to you.
5. Causes you to forget to attach the attachment.
6. Causes you to hit "SEND" before you've finished the e-mail.

For some unknown reason it seem to affect the senior population more than any other.

April 13, 2003
Taxing Times

There was a man who computed his taxes for 1998 and discovered that he owed $3407. He packaged up his payment and included this letter:

Dear IRS:

Enclosed is my 1998 Tax Return & payment. Please take note of the attached article from the USA Today newspaper. In the article, you will see that the Pentagon is paying $171.50 for hammers and NASA has paid $600.00 for a toilet seat.

Please find enclosed four toilet seats (value $2400) and six hammers (value $1029). This brings my total payment to $3429.00. Please note the overpayment of $22.00 and apply it to the "Presidential Election Fund," as noted on my return. Might I suggest you the send the above mentioned fund a "1.5 inch screw." (See attached article...HUD paid $22.00 for a 1.5 inch Phillips Head Screw.)

It has been a pleasure to pay my tax bill this year, and I look forward to paying it again next year.

Sincerely,

A satisfied taxpayer

More Taxing Times

A man was called in for an audit by the IRS. So, he asked his accountant for advice on what to wear. "Wear your worst clothing and an old pair of shoes. Let them think you are a pauper," the accountant replied. Then he asked his lawyer the same question, but got the opposite advice: "Don't let them intimidate you. Wear your best suit and an expensive tie." Confused, the man went to his Rabbi who would surely know the correct answer. He told him of the conflicting advice he had received, and asked what he should do.

"Let me tell you a story," replied the Rabbi. "A woman, about to be married, asked her mother what to wear on her wedding night. Her mother advised, 'Wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that goes right up to your neck and wool socks.' But when the woman asked her best friend, she got conflicting advice: 'Wear your sexiest negligee, with a V-neck right down to your navel.'"

 The man did not understand: "But Rabbi, what does all this have to do with my problem with the IRS?"

 "It doesn't matter what you wear," replied the Rabbi, "You're going to get screwed."

If The IRS Was Run Like Microsoft

"Government should be run like a business." We've all heard that chestnut. Here is how the Internal Revenue Service (nobody's favorite government agency) would be like, if only it were run like Microsoft Corp. (a successful private enterprise).

The IRS, as always, announces new tax forms will be mailed the week before the new year. However it will follow Microsoft's example and actually ship them the following May.

Responding to pressure from some large corporations and a users' group, some early copies of the tax forms will actually be released in March. The recipients must sign non disclosure agreements.

 In June, the forms will be recalled because the IRS loses a suit for appropriating some other country's intellectual property.

When you move, the IRS will continue to send mail to your previous address forevermore, just like Microsoft sends its product upgrade notices.

When you upgrade from form 1040 EZ to 1040 A, and then to 1040, you will pay an upgrade fee each time. Also you need to send in a new registration card and get a new Social Security Number. In order to upgrade, you have to submit the original first page of your previous year's form.

Like Microsoft, when you file a late or amended tax return the IRS will reject it on the grounds that the the prior year is no longer supported.

The IRS telephone help will remain similar to Microsoft's, staffed by ill trained, high turnover personnel who sometimes give a correct answer, but the IRS will have to discontinue using a toll free phone number.

After struggling with reams of dense documentation of complex options and rules, you discover that you will need publication 3297, with a ten word long title, in order to answer (you hope) a single obscure question. The IRS, like Microsoft, will charge a minimum of $40 for that publication.

The IRS, like Microsoft, will continue to issue immense volumes of bug fixes, interpretations, and clarifications. However the tax rule updates should be neither easily searchable nor well indexed.

Instead of three ring binders containing complete sets of tax code bugs and interpretations, IRS rulings will be promulgated in a haphazard fashion by individual taxpayers via BBS, Usenet, and Compuserve. A for profit publishing subsidiary would also be nice.

The new all powerful (and eccentric) Commissioner of Internal Revenue will jet around the country giving speeches and granting numerous interviews, but only to sycophantic reporters. Changes to the tax code will be at the whim of the Commissioner and largely kept secret until they are published.

April 6, 2003
Over the next couple of weeks we will focus on taxing humor

Job Applicants
Shared by Kelli:

A mathematician, a statistician and an accountant apply for the same job. The interviewer calls in the mathematician and asks "What do two plus two equal?"

The mathematician replies "Four."

The interviewer asks "Four, exactly?"

The mathematician looks at the interviewer incredulously and says "Yes, four, exactly."

Then the interviewer calls in the statistician and asks the same question "What do two plus two equal?"

The statistician says "On average, four - give or take ten percent, but on average, four."

Then the interviewer calls in the accountant and poses the same question "What do two plus two equal?"

The accountant gets up, locks the door, closes the shade, sits down next to the interviewer and says "What do you want it to equal?"

March 17, 2003

Check out our 
St. Patrick's Day Humor

 

March 9, 2003
I try to keep these pages a-political but this one I could not resist.  
Shared by friend and colleague Karyn 
(I do not know the original source)

Inspection Teams

 Have you noticed anything fishy about the inspection teams who have arrived in Iraq? They're all men! How in the name of the United Nations does anyone expect men to find Saddam's stash? We all know that men have a blind spot when it comes to finding things. For cryin' out loud! Men can't find the dirty clothes hamper. Men can't find the jar of jelly until it falls out of the cupboard and splatters on the floor....and these are the people we have sent into Iraq to search for hidden weapons of mass destruction?

I keep wondering why groups of mothers weren't sent in. Mother can sniff out secrets quicker than a drug dog can find a gram of dope. Mothers can find gin bottles that dads have stashed in the attic beneath the rafters. They can sniff out a diary two rooms and one floor away. They can tell when the lid of a cookie jar has been disturbed and notice when a quarter inch slice has been shaved off a chocolate cake. A mother can smell alcohol on your breath before you get your key in the front door and can smell cigarette smoke from a block away. By examining laundry, a mother knows more about their kids than Sherlock Holmes. And if a mother wants an answer to question, she can read an offender's eyes quicker than a homicide detective. So... considering the value a mother could bring to an inspection team, why are we sending a bunch of old men who will rely on electronic equipment to scout out hidden threats? My mother would walk in with a wooden soup spoon in one hand, grab Saddam by the ear, give it a good twist and snap, "Young man, do you have any weapons of mass destruction?" And God help him if he tried to lie to her. She'd march him down the street to some secret bunker and shove his nose into a nuclear bomb and say, "Uh, huh, and what do you call this, mister?"

 Whap!  Thump!  Whap! Whap! Whap!
 
 And she'd lay some stripes across his bare bottom with that soup spoon, then march him home in front of the whole of Baghdad. He'd not only come clean and apologize for lying about it, he'd cut every lawn in Baghdad for free for the whole damn summer.

 Inspectors my butt... You want the job done? Call my mother

February 23, 2003

From the Washington Post Style Invitation, in which it was postulated that English should have male and female nouns and readers were asked to assign a gender to a noun of their choice and explain their reason.

The best submissions:

 Ziplock Bags - male, because they hold everything in, but you can always see right through them.

Swiss Army Knife - male, because even though it appears useful for a wide variety of work, it spends most of its time just opening bottles.

Kidneys - female, because they always go to the bathroom in pairs.

Shoe - male, because it is usually unpolished, with its tongue hanging out.

Copier - female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm up. Because it is an effective reproductive device when the right buttons are pushed. Because it can wreak havoc when the wrong buttons are pushed.

Tire - male, because it goes bald and often is over inflated.

Hot Air Balloon - male, because to get it to go anywhere you have to light a fire under it...  and, of course, there's the hot air part.

Sponges - female, because they are soft and squeezable and retain water.

Web Page - female, because it is always getting hit on.

Subway - male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.

Hourglass - female, because over time the weight shifts to the bottom.

Hammer - male, because it hasn't evolved much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around.

Remote Control - female...  Ha!  You thought I'd say male. But consider, it gives man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying.

February 8, 2003

A man asked his wife what she'd like for her 40th birthday.

"I'd love to be six again," she replied.

On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and off they went to a local theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear, everything there was!

Wow!

Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park, her head reeling and her stomach upside down. Right to a McDonald's they went, where her husband ordered her a Happy Meal along with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake. Then, it was off to a movie - the latest Disney and what a fabulous adventure!

Finally, she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed. He leaned over and lovingly asked, "Well, dear, what was it like being six again?"

One eye opened. "You idiot, I meant my dress size."
 
 The moral of this story is: When a woman speaks and a man is actually listening, he may still be wrong.

January 19, 2003

From the Washington Post Style Invitation, in which it was postulated that English should have male and female nouns and readers were asked to assign a gender to a noun of their choice and explain their reason.

Ziploc Bags - male, because they hold everything in, but you can always see right through them.

Swiss Army Knife - male, because even though it appears useful for a wide variety of work, it spends most of its time just opening bottles.

Kidneys - female, because they always go to the bathroom in pairs.

Shoe - male, because it is usually unpolished, with its tongue hanging out.

Copier - female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm up. Because it is an effective reproductive device when the right buttons are pushed. Because it can wreak havoc when the wrong buttons are pushed.

Tire - male, because it goes bald and often is over inflated.

Hot Air Balloon - male, because to get it to go anywhere you have to light a fire under it... and, of course, there's the hot air part.

Sponges - female, because they are soft and squeezable and retain water.

Web Page - female, because it is always getting hit on.

Subway - male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.

Hourglass - female, because over time the weight shifts to the bottom.

Hammer - male, because it hasn't evolved much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around.

Remote Control - female...  Ha!  You thought I'd say male. But consider, it gives man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying.

January 12, 2003

A woman went to doctors office.  She was seen by one of the new doctors, but after about 4 minutes in the examination room, she burst out, screaming as she ran down the hall.  An older doctor stopped and asked her what the problem was, and she explained.  He had her sit down and relax in another room.

The older doctor marched back to the first and demanded, "What's the matter with you?  Mrs.  Terry is 63 years old, she has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?" The new doctor continued to write on his clipboard and said, "Does she still have the hiccups?"

January 5, 2003

The Bum Rap

A man walking in the city was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby bum, who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.
 
The man took two dollars out of his pocket, and asked, "If I gave you this money, would you take it and buy whiskey?"
 
"No, I stopped drinking years ago," the bum said.
 
"Would you use it to gamble?"
 
"I don't gamble - I need anything I can get just to stay alive."
 
"Would you use the money for greens fees at a golf course?"
 
"Are you nuts? I haven't played golf for 20 years!"
 
The man said, "I'm not going to give you $2.00. Instead, I'm going to bring you to my home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."
 
The bum was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing  that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell lousy."
 
The man replied, "That's OK- I just want her to see what happens to a man who's given up drinking, gambling and playing golf!"

Happy New Year!!!

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