Presented by Steven M. Sultanoff,
Past President of the American Association for Therapeutic Humor
Mother's Day Humor
Dedicated to All Mothers Everywhere
I apologize for not knowing the sources for the following
Things I've Learned from my Children
If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.
A 3 year-old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42-pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a superman cape. It is strong enough however to spread paint on all four walls of a 20 by 20 foot room.
You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on.
When using the ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit.
A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.
The glass in windows (even double pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.
When you hear the toilet flush and the words "Uh-oh", it's already too late.
Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
A six year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year-old man says they can only do it in the movies.
A magnifying glass can start a fire even on an overcast day.
A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq foot house 4 inches deep.
Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a four year old. Duplos will not.
Play Dough and Microwave should never be used in the same sentence.
Super glue is forever.
No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.
Pool filters do not like Jell-O.
VCR's do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.
Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.
You probably do not want to know what that odor is.
Always look in the oven before you turn it on.
Plastic toys do not like ovens.
The fire department in Austin has a 5-minute response time.
The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.
It will however make cats dizzy
Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
What Famous Mothers Might Have Said
Mary, Mary, Quite Contrary's Mother: "I don't mind you having a garden, Mary, but does it have to be growing under your bed?"
Mona Lisa's Mother: "After all that money your father and I spent on braces, Mona, that's the biggest smile you can give us?"
Humpty Dumpty's Mother: "Humpty, If I've told you once, I've told you a hundred times not to sit on that wall. But would you listen to me? Noooo!"
Columbus' Mother: "I don't care what you've discovered, Christopher. You still could have written!"
Babe Ruth's Mother: "Babe, how many times have I told you -- quit playing ball in the house! That's the third broken window this week!"
Michelangelo's Mother: "Mike, can't you paint on walls like other children? Do you have any idea how hard it is to get that stuff off the ceiling?"
Napoleon's Mother: "All right, Napoleon. If you aren't hiding your report card inside your jacket, then take your hand out of there and prove it!"
Custer's Mother: "Now, George, remember what I told you -- don't go biting off more than you can chew!"
Abraham Lincoln's Mother: "Again with the stovepipe hat, Abe? Can't you just wear a baseball cap like the other kids?"
Barney's Mother: "I realize strained plums are your favorite, Barney, but you're starting to look a little purple."
Mary's Mother: "I'm not upset that your lamb followed you to school, Mary, but I would like to know how he got a better grade than you."
Batman's Mother: "It's a nice car, Bruce, but do you realize how much the insurance is going to be?"
Goldilocks' Mother: "I've got a bill here for a busted chair from the Bear family. You know anything about this, Goldie?"
Little Miss Muffet's Mother: "Well, all I've got to say is if you don't get off your tuffet and start cleaning your room, there'll be a lot more spiders around here!"
Albert Einstein's Mother: "But, Albert, it's your senior picture. Can't you do something about your hair? Styling gel, mousse, something...?"
George Washington's Mother: "The next time I catch you throwing money across the Potomac, you can kiss your allowance good-bye!"
Jonah's Mother: "That's a nice story, but now tell me where you've really been for the last three days.
Superman's Mother: "Clark, your father and I have discussed it, and we've decided you can have your own telephone line. Now will you quit spending so much time in all those phone booths?
Thomas Edison's Mother: "Of course I'm proud that you invented the electric light bulb, Thomas. Now turn off that light and get to bed!"
Things Moms Would Never Say
"How on earth can you see the TV sitting so far back?"
"Yeah, I used to skip school a lot, too"
"Just leave all the lights on...it makes the house look more cheery"
"Let me smell that shirt -- Yeah, it's good for another week"
"Go ahead and keep that stray dog, honey. I'll be glad to feed and walk him every day"
"Well, if Timmy's mom says it's OK, that's good enough for me."
"The curfew is just a general time to shoot for. It's not like I'm running a prison around here."
"I don't have a tissue with me... just use your sleeve"
"Don't bother wearing a jacket - the wind-chill is bound to improve"
Of Mothers and Daughters
One day, a little girl is sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly notices that her mother has several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast to her brunette hair. She looks at her mother and inquisitively asks, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?" Her mother replied "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white." The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then asked, "Momma, how come all of grandma's hairs are white?"
Amnesia: Condition that enables a woman who has gone through labor to make love again.
Dumbwaiter: One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.
Family Planning: The art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you on the edge of financial disaster.
Feedback: The inevitable result when your baby doesn't appreciate the strained carrots.
Full Name: What you call your child when you're mad at him.
Grandparents: The people who think your children are wonderful even though they're sure you're not raising them right.
Hearsay: What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.
Impregnable: A woman whose memory of labor is still vivid.
Independent: How we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say.
Ow: The first word spoken by children with older siblings.
Puddle: a small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it.
Show Off: a child who is more talented than yours.
Sterilize: what you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling it and to your last baby's pacifier by blowing on it.
Top Bunk: where you should never put a child wearing Superman pajamas.
Two Minute Warning: when the baby's face turns red and she begins to make those familiar grunting noises.
Verbal: able to whine in words
Whodunit: none of the kids that live in your house..
Weekend: when Dad gets to play golf while Mom catches up on the laundry, cleans the house, runs errands, etc.
Principles of Motherhood
1. Motherhood ~~ If it was going to be easy, it never would have started with something called labor!
2. Shouting to make your children obey is like using the horn to steer your car, and you get about the same results.
3. To be in your children's memories tomorrow, you have to be in their lives today.
4. The smartest advice on raising children is to enjoy them while they are still on your side. 5. Avenge yourself ~~~ Live long enough to be a problem to your children.
6. The best way to keep kids at home is to make the home a pleasant atmosphere ~~ and to let the air out of the tires.
7. The right temperature in a home is maintained by warm hearts, not by hot heads.
8. Raising a teenager is like nailing Jell-O a tree.
9. Parents: People who bare infants, bore teenagers, and board newlyweds.
10. The joy of motherhood: What a woman experiences when all the children are finally in bed.
11. Life's golden age is when the kids are too old to need baby-sitters and too young to borrow the family car.
12. Any child can tell you that the sole purpose of a middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.
13. Grandparents are similar to a piece of string ~ handy to have around and easily wrapped around the fingers of grandchildren.
14. A child outgrows your lap, but never outgrows your heart.
15. God gave you two ears and one mouth ... so you should listen twice as much as you talk. 16. There are three ways to get something done: Do it yourself, hire someone to do it, or forbid your children to do it.
17. Adolescence is the age when children try to bring up their parents.
18. You know the only people in this world who are always sure about the proper way to raise children? Those who've never had any.
19. Cleaning your house while your kids are at home is like trying to shovel the driveway during a snowstorm.
20. Oh to be only half as wonderful as my child thought I was when he was small, and half as stupid as my teenager now thinks I am.
21. There are only two things a child will share willingly: communicable diseases and his mother's age.
22. Money isn't everything, but it sure keeps the kids in touch.
23. Adolescence is the age at which children stop asking questions because they know all the answers.
24. An alarm clock is a device for awakening people who don't have small children.
25. Why is it that our children can't read a Bible in school, but they can in prison?
26. How do you cope when the apple of your eye becomes a bone in your throat?
27. No wonder kids are confused today. Half the adults tell them to find themselves; the other half tell them to get lost.
28. The persons hardest to convince they're at the retirement age are children at bedtime. 29. Kids really brighten a household; they never turn off any lights.
You Know You're a Mom When ...
1. Your feet stick to the kitchen floor.....and you don't care.
2. When the kids are fighting, you threaten to lock them in a room together and not let them out until someone's bleeding.
3. You can't find your cordless phone, so you ask a friend to call you, and you run around the house madly, following the sound until you locate the phone downstairs in the laundry basket.
4. You spend an entire week wearing sweats.
5. Your idea of a good day is making it through without a child leaking bodily fluids on you.
6. Popsicles become a food staple.
7. Your favorite television show is a cartoon.
8. Peanut butter and jelly is eaten at least in one meal a day.
9. You're willing to kiss your child's boo-boo, regardless of where it is.
10. Your baby's pacifier falls on the floor and you give it back to her, after you suck the dirt off of it because you're too busy to wash it off.
11. Your kids make jokes about farting, burping, pooping, etc. and you think it's funny.
12. You're so desperate for adult conversation that you spill your guts to the telemarketer that calls and HE hangs up on YOU!
13. Spit is your number one cleaning agent.
14. You're up each night until 10 PM vacuuming, dusting, wiping, washing, drying, loading, unloading, shopping, cooking, driving, flushing, ironing, sweeping, picking up, changing sheets, changing diapers, bathing, helping with homework, paying bills, budgeting, clipping coupons, folding clothes, putting to bed, dragging out of bed, brushing, chasing, buckling, feeding (them, not you), PLUS swinging, playing baseball, bike riding, pushing trucks, cuddling dolls, roller balding, basketball, football, catch, bubbles, sprinklers, slides, nature walks, coloring, crafts, jumping rope, PLUS raking, trimming, planting, edging, mowing, gardening, painting, and walking the dog. You get up at 5:30 AM and you have no time to eat, sleep, drink or go to the bathroom, and yet...you still managed to gain 10 pounds.
15. In your bathroom there is toothpaste on the light fixtures, water all over the floor, a dog drinking out of the toilet and body hair forming a union to protest unsafe working conditions.
16. You buy cereal with marshmallows in it.
17. The closest you get to gourmet cooking is making rice crispies bars
You Know You're a Mom When...Part 2
10. You automatically double-knot everything you tie.
9. You find yourself humming the Barney song as you do the dishes.
8. You hear a baby cry in the grocery store, and you start to gently
sway back and forth, back and forth. However, your children are at
7. You can never go to the bathroom alone without someone screaming
outside the door.
6. You actually start to like the smell of strained carrots mixed
5. You weep through the scene in Dumbo when his mom is taken away,
not to mention what Bambi does to you.
4. You actually start understanding the Klingon language.
3. You get so into crafts you contemplate writing a book called 101
Fun Crafts to do with Dryer Lint and Eggshells.
2. You spend a half hour searching for your sunglasses only to have
your teenager say, "Mom, why don't you wear the ones you pushed up
on your head?"
1. You are out for a nice romantic meal with your husband, enjoying
some real adult conversation, when suddenly you realize that you've
reached over and started to cut up his steak!
Yes, parenthood changes everything. But parenthood also changes with each baby. Here are some of the ways having a second and third child differs from having your first:
1st baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your OB/GYN confirms your pregnancy.
2nd baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as possible.
3rd baby: Your maternity clothes ARE your regular clothes.
The Baby's Name:
1st baby: You pore over baby-name books and practice pronouncing and writing combinations of all your favorites.
2nd baby: Someone has to name his or her kid after your great-aunt Mavis, right? It might as well be you.
3rd baby: You open a name book, close your eyes, and see where your finger points.
Preparing for the Birth:
1st baby: You practice your breathing religiously.
2nd baby: You don't bother practicing because you remember that last time, breathing didn't do a thing.
3rd baby: You ask for an epidural in your 8th month.
1st baby: You pre-wash your newborn's clothes, color-coordinate them, and fold them neatly in the baby's little bureau.
2nd baby: You check to make sure that the clothes are clean and discard only the ones with the darkest stains.
3rd baby: Boys can wear pink, can't they?
1st baby: At the first sign of distress-a whimper, a frown-you pick up the baby.
2nd baby: You pick the baby up when her wails threaten to wake your firstborn.
3rd baby: You teach your 3-year-old how to rewind the mechanical swing.
1st baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics, Baby Swing, and Baby Story Hour.
2nd baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics.
3rd baby: You take your infant to the supermarket and the dry cleaner.
1st baby: The first time you leave your baby with a sitter, you call home 5 times.
2nd baby: Just before you walk out the door, you remember to leave a number where you can be reached.
3rd baby: You leave instructions for the sitter to call only if she sees blood.
1st baby: You spend a good bit of every day just gazing at the baby.
2nd baby: You spend a bit of every day watching to be sure your older child isn't squeezing, poking, or hitting the baby. 3rd baby: You spend a little bit of every day hiding from the children.
Things my Mother Taught Me
Submitted by Gregory Osborn
My Mother taught me:
Logic: "Because I said so, that's why."
To Appreciate A Job Well Done: "If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning!"
Religion: "You better pray that will come out of the carpet."
Time Travel: "If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"
Foresight: "Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."
Irony: "Keep crying and I'll *give* you something to cry about."
The Science Of Osmosis:"Shut your mouth and eat your supper!"
Contortionism: "Will you *look* at the dirt on the back of your neck!"
Stamina: "You'll sit there 'til all that spinach is finished."
Weather: "It looks as if a tornado swept through your room."
How To Solve Physics Problems: "If I yelled because I saw a meteor coming toward you; would you listen then?"
Hypocrisy : "If I've told you once, I've told you a million times - Don't Exaggerate!!!"
The Circle Of Life: "I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."
Behavior Modification: "Stop acting like your father!"
Envy: "There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do!"
Logic... "If you fall off that swing and break your neck, you can't go to the store with me."
Medicine... "If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they're going to freeze that way."
To Think Ahead... "If you don't pass your spelling test, you'll never get a good job!"
ESP... "Put your sweater on; don't you think that I know when you're cold?"
To Meet a Challenge... "What were you thinking? Answer me when I talk to you...Don't talk back to me!"
Humor... "When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."
Become an Adult... "If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up.
About Sex... "How do you think you got here?"
Genetics... "You are just like your father!"
Roots... "Do you think you were born in a barn?"
Wisdom of Age... "When you get to be my age, you will understand."
Anticipation... "Just wait until your father gets home."
Receiving... You are going to get it when we get home.
Justice "One day you will have kids, and I hope they turn out just like YOU..then you'll see what it's like."
Someday when my children are old enough to understand the logic that motivates a parent, I will tell them:
I loved you enough to ask where you are going, with whom, and what time you would be home.
I loved you enough to insist that you save your money and buy a bike for yourself even though I could afford to buy one for you.
I loved you enough to be silent and let you discover that your new best friend was a jerk. I loved you enough to make you pay for the toy you had taken and tell the clerk' " I stole this yesterday, and I want to pay for it."
I loved you enough to stand over you for two hours while you cleaned your room, a job that should have taken 15 minutes.
I loved you enough to let you see anger, disappointment, and tears in my eyes. Children should know that their parents aren't perfect.
I loved you enough to let you assume the responsibility for your actions even when the penalties were so harsh, they almost broke my heart.
But most of all, I loved you enough to say NO when I knew you would hate me for it. Those were the most difficult battles of all. I am glad I won them, because in the end, you won too . And someday when your children are old enough to understand the logic that motivates parents, you will tell them.
How To Know Whether Or Not You Are Ready To Be A Mother
Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains.
Place a fish stick behind the couch and leave it there all summer.
Obtain a 55 gallon drum of LEGOs (if LEGOs are not available, you may (substitute roofing tacks). Have a friend spread them all over the house. Put on a blindfold. Try to walk to the bathroom or kitchen. Do not scream (this could wake a child at night).
Grocery Store Test:
Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take them with you as you shop at the grocery store. Always keep them in sight and pay for anything they eat or damage.
Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus (they turn bright red when they are unhappy). Stuff into a small net bag making sure that all arms stay inside.
Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill halfway with water. Suspend from the ceiling with a stout cord. Start the jug swinging. Try to insert spoonfuls of soggy cereal (such as Fruit Loops or Cheerios) into the mouth of the jug, while pretending to be an airplane. Now dump the contents of the jug on the floor.
Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 8-12 pounds of sand. Soak it thoroughly in water. At 8:00 p.m. begin to waltz and hum with the bag until 9:00 p.m. Lay down your bag and set your alarm for 10:00 p.m. Get up, pick up your bag, and sing every song you have ever heard. Make up about a dozen more and sing these too until 4:00 a.m. Set alarm for 5:00 a.m. Get up and make breakfast. Keep this up for five years. Look cheerful.
Obtain a large beanbag chair and attach it to the front of your clothes. Leave it there for 9 months. Now remove ten of the beans.
Find a couple who already have a small child. Lecture them on how they can improve their discipline, patience, tolerance, toilet training and child's table manners. Suggest many ways they can improve. Emphasize to them that they should never allow their children to run wild. Enjoy this experience. It will be the last time you will have all the answers.