HumorMatterstm
Joke of the Week 2001
January-April

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for Joke of the Week in past years. 

For the week of April 29,  2001

After settling into the White House President George W. Bush wanted to expand his culinary pallet.  An aide suggested that President Bush try some traditional Jewish Deli delights.  At the Deli the first course arrived and was a large bowl of Matzoth Ball soup with two large matzoth balls. 

Noticing President Bush's hesitation the aide gently encouraged, "Just have a taste, sir. If you don't like it, you don't have to finish it." The President spooned a small piece of matzo ball with some soup, and to his delight was pleased with the taste. He quickly finished the entire bowl and both matzo balls. "That was delicious," The President said. "I wonder if they eat any other parts of the Matzoth, or just the balls?"
For the week of April 22,  2001

Oh, What the Cell
Phone Junkies
(From Joke of the Day.com)

Addicted to Your Cell Phone? Tangled in a web of wireless?
Maybe you should ask yourself these questions.

1. Do parts of your body tingle when you get free cell
phone minutes?

2. Does raising your children interfere with programming
your speed dial?

3. Do you have long-distance conversations while sitting
on the toilet in a public restroom?

4. Does the term fashion statement mean to you matching
your outfit with your cell phone carrying case?

5. When getting into a car accident, is your first
response "Can you hold on a moment, I’m hemorrhaging?"

6. Does the sound of static trigger dark memories of
ill-fated connections?

7. Do you use the menu light as your night light?

8. Does it take you an hour on a regular phone to get
the same feeling of a five-minute cellular call?

9. When receiving a phone call, do you ever ask the film
projectionist to lower the volume of the movie?

10. Do you have erotic dreams about digital service?


For the week of April 15,  2001
This humor was shared by several of my friends on the Internet.  
I hope you enjoy it.

All I Need to Know About Life 
I Learned from The Easter Bunny

Don't put all of your eggs in one basket.
Walk softly and carry a big carrot.
Everyone needs a friend who is all ears.
There's no such thing as too much candy.
All work and no play can make you a basket case.
A cute little tail attracts a lot of attention.
Everyone is entitled to a bad hare day.
Let happy thoughts multiply like rabbits.
Some body parts should be floppy.
Keep your paws off other people's jellybeans.
Good things come in small sugarcoated packages.
The grass is always greener in someone else's basket.
An Easter bonnet can tame even the wildest hare.
To show your true colors you have to come out of your shell.
The best things in life are still sweet and gooey.

For the week of April 1,  2001
Truth or Fiction????

The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez oil spill in Alaska was $80,000. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later they were both eaten by a killer whale.
A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen, shaking frantically with what looked like a wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current she whacked him with a handy plank of wood by the back door, breaking his arm in two places. A shame as he had merely been listening to his walkman.
Two animal rights protesters were protesting at the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn. Suddenly the pigs, all two thousand of them, escaped through a broken fence and stampeded, trampling the two hapless protesters to death.
Iraqi terrorist, Khay Rahnajet, didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with "return to sender" stamped on it. You guessed it, he opened it and said a fond farewell to his face.

For the week of March 25,  2001
This week we take a fast break from our taxing humor to poke a bit of fun at the annual March Madness

The psychology instructor had just finished a lecture on mental health and was giving an oral test. Speaking specifically about manic depression, she asked, "How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in a chair weeping uncontrollably the next?" A young man in the rear raised his hand and answered, "A basketball coach?"

For the week of March 18,  2001
Shared by Kelli:

The Job Applicants

A mathematician, a statistician and an accountant apply for the same job. The interviewer calls in the mathematician and asks "What do two plus two equal?"

The mathematician replies "Four."

The interviewer asks "Four, exactly?"

The mathematician looks at the interviewer incredulously and says "Yes, four, exactly."

Then the interviewer calls in the statistician and asks the same question "What do two plus two equal?"

The statistician says "On average, four - give or take ten percent, but on average, four."

Then the interviewer calls in the accountant and poses the same question "What do two plus two equal?"

The accountant gets up, locks the door, closes the shade, sits down next to the interviewer and says "What do you want it to equal?"

For the week of March 11,  2001

This week we continue with our accountants and taxes theme.

There are three kinds of accountants in the world. Those who can count and those who can't.

What's the definition of an accountant?

Someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had in a way you don't understand.

What is another definition of an accountant?

Someone who knows the cost of everything and the value of nothing.

What's the definition of a good tax accountant?

Someone who has a loophole named after him.

When does a person decide to become an accountant?

When he realizes he doesn't have the charisma to succeed as an undertaker.

What's an extroverted accountant? 

One who looks at your shoes while he's talking to you instead of his own.

What's an auditor?

Someone who arrives after the battle and bayonets all the wounded.

Why did the auditor cross the road?

Because he looked in the file and that's what they did last year.

What's an accountant's idea of trashing his hotel room?

Refusing to fill out the guest comment card.

How do you drive an accountant completely insane?

Tie him to a chair, stand in front of him and fold up a road map the wrong way.

What's the most wicked thing a group of young accountants can do?

Go into town and gang audit someone.

What do accountants suffer from that ordinary people don't?

Depreciation.

An accountant is having a hard time sleeping and goes to see his doctor. "Doctor, I just can't get to sleep at night." "Have you tried counting sheep?" "That's the problem I make a mistake and then spend three hours trying to find it."

For the week of March 4,  2001

Although the most taxing day of the year is not until April 15, it is time to roll out the annual tax time humor so for the next month or so each week the joke of the week will be dedicated to our annual sacrifice of income!

One taxpayer, who worked at a pest control firm listed his
occupation as "Hired Killer."

An IRS telephone assistant was overheard to say, "Sir please
watch your language!...Sir, watch your language!...Sir,
please!...Reverend, I'm ashamed of you!"

In 1987, Congress required that the Social Security numbers
of all dependents age five and older be included on the tax
return. In that tax year, over 7 million dependents
disappeared from tax returns all over the country. Must have
been the largest case of mass alien abduction in the history
of the world.

Along the same line was the couple who wanted to deduct the
cost of their daughter's wedding as a casualty loss. After
all, they reasoned, she really made a terrible mistake
marrying the man she did.
For the week of February 25,  2001

When the store manager returned from lunch, he noticed his clerk's hand was bandaged. Before he could ask about the bandage, the clerk said he had some very good news for him.

 "Guess what, sir?" the clerk said. "I finally sold that terrible, ugly suit we've had so long!"

 "Do you mean that repulsive pink and blue double-breasted thing?" the manager asked.

 "That's the one!"

 "That's great!" the manager cried, "I thought we'd never get rid of that monstrosity! That had to be the ugliest suit we've ever had! But tell me, why is your hand bandaged?"

 "Oh," the clerk replied, "after I sold the guy that suit, his guide dog bit me."

For the week of February 18,  2001
Here's one for the luck of the Irish.

Saddam Hussein was sitting in his office wondering who to invade next when his telephone rang. "Hallo! Mr. Hussein," a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy down in County Cavan, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!"

"Well, Paddy," Saddam replied, "This is indeed important news! Tell me, how big is your army?"

"At this moment in time," said Paddy after a moment's calculation, "there is myself, my cousin Sean, my next door neighbor Gerry, and the entire dominoes team from the pub -- that makes eight!"

Saddam sighed. "I must tell you Paddy that I have a million men in my army waiting to move on my command."

"Begorra!", said Paddy, "I'll have to ring you back!" Sure enough, the next day Paddy rang back. "Right Mr. Hussein, the war is still on! We have managed to acquire some equipment!"

"And what equipment would that be, Paddy?" Saddam asked.

"Well, we have two combine harvesters, a bulldozer and Murphy's tractor from the farm."

Once more Saddam sighed. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have sixteen thousand tanks, fourteen thousand armored personnel carriers, and my army has increased to 1 and a half million since we last spoke."

"Really?!" said Paddy "I'll have to ring you back!" Sure enough, Paddy rang again the next day. "Right Mr. Hussein, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We've modified Ted's ultra-light with a couple of rifles in the cockpit and the bridge team has joined us as well!"

Saddam was silent for a minute, then sighed. "I must tell you Paddy that I have ten thousand bombers, twenty thousand MiG 19 attack planes, my military complex is surrounded by laser- guided surface-to-air missile sites, and since we last spoke, my army has increased to two million."

"Faith and begorra!", said Paddy, "I'll have to ring you back." Sure enough, Paddy called again the next day. "Right Mr. Hussein, I am sorry to tell you that we have had to call off the war."

"I'm sorry to hear that" said Saddam. "Why the sudden change of heart?"

"Well," said Paddy "We've all had a chat, and there's no way we can feed two million prisoners."

For the week of February 11,  2001

In honor of Valentine's Day we have the 
Chocolate Funnies

Why is there no such organization as Chocoholics Anonymous? ....
Because no one wants to quit.

Problem: 
How to get 2 pounds of chocolate home from the store in hot car...
Solution: 
Eat it in the parking lot.

A nice box of chocolates provide your total daily intake of calories in one place. Isn't that handy?

If calories are an issue, store your chocolate on top of the fridge.
Calories are afraid of heights, and they will jump out of the chocolate to protect themselves.

The preservatives in chocolate make you look younger.

If not for chocolate, there would be no need for control top pantyhose. An entire garment industry would be devastated.

Put "eat chocolate" at the top of your list of things to do today. 
That way, at least you'll get one thing done.

For the week of January 28,  2001

I loved these.  I hope they bring a smile to you.

25 SIGNS THAT YOU'VE HAD TOO MUCH OF THE 2000's:

1. You just tried to enter your password on the microwave.

2. You have a list of 15 phone #'s, to reach your family of three.

3. You call your son's beeper to let him know it's time to eat. He emails you back from his bedroom, "What's for dinner?"

4. Your daughter sells Girl Scout Cookies via her web site.

5. You chat several times a day with a stranger from South Africa, but you haven't spoken with your next door neighbor yet this year.

6. You check the ingredients on a can of chicken noodle soup to see if it contains Echinacea.

7. You check your blow-dryer to see if it's Y2K compliant.

8. Your grandmother clogs up your e-mail inbox asking you to send her a JPEG file of your newborn so she can create a screen saver.

9. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home.

10. Every commercial on television has a website address at the bottom of the screen.

11. You buy a computer and a week later it is out of date and now sells for half the price you paid.

12. The concept of using real money, instead of credit or debit, to make a purchase, is foreign to you.

13. Cleaning up the dining room means getting the fast food bags out of the back seat of your car.

14. Your reason for not staying in touch with family is that they do not have e-mail addresses.

15. You consider second-day air delivery painfully slow.

16. Your dining room table is now your flat filing cabinet.

17. Your idea of being organized, is multicolored Post-It notes.

18. You hear most of your jokes via e-mail instead of in person.

19. You get an extra phone line so you can get phone calls.

20. You turn off your Modem and get this awful feeling, as if you just pulled the plug on a loved one.

21. You get up in morning and go online before getting your coffee.

22. You wake up at 4 AM, to go to the bathroom and check your e-mail on your way back to bed.

23. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. :)

24. You're reading this.

25. Even worse; you're going to forward it to someone else!

For the week of January 21,  2001

Proverbs for the New Millenium

1. Speak softly and carry a cellular phone.

2. The modem is the message.

3. The geek shall inherit the earth.

4. Don't byte off more than you can view.

5. A user and his leisure time are soon parted.

6. Give a man (or for that matter anyone) a fish and you feed him for a day; teach him to use the Net and he won't bother you for weeks.

For the week of January 14,  2001
This week for a change of pace we offer our first knock knock of 2001

Knock-knock!
Who's there?
Doris
Doris who?
Doris locked, that's why I had to knock!

For the week of January 7,  2001

New Year's Prayer
(This has been revised from the original)

 May we get a clean bill of health from our dentist, our psychiatrist, our ophthalmologist, our cardiologist, our gastroenterologist, our urologist, our proctologist, our gynecologist, our podiatrist, our plumber, our hairdresser, and the IRS.

May our hair, our teeth, our facelift, our abs, our honey cakes, and our stocks not fall and may our blood pressure, our triglycerides, our cholesterol, our white blood count, our weight and our mortgage interest rates not rise.

May we find a way to travel from anywhere to anywhere in the rush hour in less than an hour and when we get there, may we find a parking space.

May our computers not crash or catch a virus.  May the internet increase speed so that we can go virtually at the speed of enlightenment.

May we be sensitive to the needs of others and create balance with those of our own. 

May we be awestruck by the ironies of life and the world's sense of humor as we realize that a professional wrestler has become a governor and could become president of the United States.  

May we accept that we may not keep up with our New Year's resolutions.

May we can laugh at ourselves and realize that if we were supposed to touch our toes while exercising, nature would have put them further up our bodies; and, the reason so many of us take up jogging is to hear heavy breathing again.

May what we see in the mirror delight us and what others see in us, delight them. May someone love us enough to accept and forgive our faults, be blind to our blemishes, and tell the world about our virtues.

May the telemarketers wait until after we finish dinner to call us. May our checkbooks and budgets balance. 

May we remember to say "I love you" at least once a day to our spouse, our child, our parent, all of our significant others. 

May we live in a world at peace, with awareness of the beauty in every sunset, flower, baby's smile, lover's kiss, and every wonderful astonishing beat of our heart. May we smile and laugh throughout the year. 

Original Source Unknown

 

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