HumorMatterstm

Newspaper Bloopers and Funnies
Classifieds--Headlines--Advertisements--in the News

Classifieds:

1 man, 7 woman hot tub -- $850/offer

Amana washer $100. Owned by clean bachelor who seldom washed.

Snow blower for sale...only used on snowy days.

Free puppies...part German shepherd part dog

2 wire mesh butchering gloves, 1 5-finger, 1 3-finger, pair: $15

Tickle me elmo, still in box, comes with it's own 1988 mustang, 5l, auto, excellent condition $6800

Cows, calves never bred... also 1 gay bull for sale.

'83 Toyota hunchback -- $2000

Star Wars job of the hut -- $15

Free puppies: 1/2 cocker spaniel1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog

Free Yorkshire terrier. 8 years old. unpleasant little dog.

Soft & genital bath tissues or facial tissue89 cents

German shepherd. 85 lbs. neutered. speaks German. free.

Full sized mattress. 20 yr warranty. like new. slight urine smell.

Free 1 can of pork & beans with purchase of 3 br 2 bth home.

For sale: lee majors (6 million dollar man)$50

Nordic track $300hardly used call chubbie

Bill's septic cleaning"we haul American made products"

Shakespeare's pizza free chopsticks

Found: dirty white dog...looks like a rat...been out awhile...better be reward.

Hummels largest selection ever"if it's in stock, we have it!"

Get a little john: the traveling urinal holds 2 1/2 bottles of beer.

Nice parachute never opened used once slightly stained

Free: farm kittens. ready to eat.

American flag60 stars pole included$100

Tired of working for only $9.75 per hour? we offer profit sharing and
flexible hours. starting pay: $7$9 per hour.

Notice: to person or persons who took the large pumpkin on highway 87
near southridge storage. please return the pumpkin and be checked. pumpkin
may be radioactive. all other plants in vicinity are dead.

Exercise equipment: queen size mattress & box spring -$175.

Our sofa seats the whole mob and it's made of 100% Italian leather.

Joining nudist colony, must sell washer & dryer$300.

Actual ad in the NY Times (fact or fiction :o)
FOR SALE BY OWNER Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica. 45 volumes. Excellent condition.$1,000.00 or best offer. No longer needed. Got married last weekend.Wife knows everything.

Headlines:

Here are the top 24 headlines of 1998!!

1. Include Your Children When Baking Cookies

2. Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Experts Say

3. Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers

4. Drunks Get Nine Months in Violin Case

5. Iraqi Head Seeks Arms

6. Prostitutes Appeal to Pope

7. Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over

8. British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands

9. Teacher Strikes Idle Kids

10. Clinton Wins Budget; More Lies Ahead

11. Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told

12. Miners Refuse to Work After Death

13. Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant

14. Stolen Painting Found by Tree

15. Two Sisters Reunited after 18 Years in Checkout Counter

16. War Dims Hope for Peace

17. If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While

18. Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide

19. Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge

20. New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group

21. Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Space

22. Kids Make Nutritious Snacks

23. Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half

24. Typhoon Rips through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

More Headlines:

Lawyer Says Client Is Not That Guilty.

Alzheimer's Center Prepares For An Affair To Remember

Gas Cloud Clears Out Taco Bell.

Harrisburg Postal Employees Gun Club Members Meet

Georgia Peaches California Grown 89 Cents lb.

The Boston Globe ran a story on the Ford/Volvo deal.
The headline was "Have You Driven a Fjord Lately?"

Legislator Wants Tougher Death Penalty

Man Jumps off 2nd Street Bridge
Neither Jumper Nor Body Found

After Detour To California
Shuttle Returns To Earth

Fried Chicken Cooked In Microwave Wins Trip

Woman Improving After Fatal Crash

Properly Drafted Will Reduces Anxiety After Death

Study Reveals Those Without Insurance Die More Often

Experts Increase Probability Of Big Quake in California

Man Found Dead In Cemetery

Gunfire In Sarajevo Threatens Cease-fire

 

Let's take things literally!!

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge

Deer Kill 17,000

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery Hundreds Dead

Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge

New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group

Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks

Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy

Arson Suspect is Held in Massachusetts Fire

British Union Finds Dwarfs in Short Supply

Lansing Residents Can Drop Off Trees

Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half

New Vaccine May Contain Rabies

Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing

Deaf College Opens Doors to Hearing

Air Head Fired

Steals Clock, Faces Time

Prosecutor Releases Probe into Undersheriff

Old School Pillars are Replaced by Alumni

Bank Drive-in Window Blocked by Board

Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors

 

Advertisements:

Ground beast: 99 cents lb.

Bar s sliced balogna regular or tasty save 30 cents on 2

Open house body shapers toning salon free coffee & donuts

Kellogg's pot tarts$1.99 box

Fully cooked boneless smoked man$2.09 lb.

 

In the News:

Some 40% of female gas station employees in Metro Detroit are women, up from almost none a year ago. (Detroit News article)

Marijuana Issue Sent To A Joint Committee (Toronto Star headline)

Publicize your business absolutely free! Send $6. (Entrepreneur Magazine ad)

Gators To Face Seminoles With Peters Out (The Tallahassee Bugle)

Messiah Climaxes In Chorus Of Hallelujahs (The Anchorage, Alaska Times)

Married Priests In Catholic Church A Long Time Coming (The New Haven, Connecticut Register)

Governor Chiles Offers Rare Opportunity To Goose Hunters (The Tallahassee Democrat)

Would She Climb To The Top Of Mr. Everest Again? Absolutely! (The Houston Chronicle)

Governor's Penis Busy [should be "Pen Is"] (The New Haven, Connecticut Register)

Thanks To President Clinton, Staff Sgt. Fruer Now Has A Son

Clinton Places Dickey In Gore's Hands (Bangor Maine News)

Starr Aghast At First Lady Sex Position (The Washington Times)

Clinton Stiff On Withdrawal  (The Bosnia Bugle)

Long Island Stiffens For Lili's Blow (Newsday)

Organ Festival Ends In Smashing Climax  (San Antonio Times)

Rose Petroleum Jelly Keeps Idle Tools Rust-free (Chicago Daily News)

Textron Inc. Makes Offer To Screw Company Stockholders (The Miami Herald)

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The human race has one really effective weapon, and that is laughter.
Mark Twain, U.S. Author (1835-1910)

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HumorMatterstm
Steven M. Sultanoff, Ph.D.
Mirthologist and Clinical Psychologist
3972 Barranca Pkwy. Suite J-221
Irvine, CA 92606