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For the week of March 19, 2000

A Prayer for the Age
Hear me Great Spirit

So far today, I am doing all right. I have not gossiped, lost my temper, been greedy, grumpy, nasty, selfish, or self indulgent. I have not whined, bitched, cursed, or eaten any chocolate. I have not charged on my credit card. However, I am going to get out of bed in a few minutes, and I will need a lot more help after that. Amen.

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For the week of March 12, 2000

Once upon a time in a medieval kingdom there lived three men: a doctor, an apothecary, and a wizard.  All three, in one way or another, offended the king and were sentenced to die on the same morning. The day of the execution arrived, and the doctor was led up to the guillotine. As he strapped the doctor to the guillotine, the executioner asked, "Head up or head down?" "Head up," said the doctor. "Blindfold or no blindfold?" "No blindfold."  The executioner slowly raised the blade to the top of the guillotine.  When the blade reached its peak the executioner released it, and it came sliding down its tracks, but stopped barely an inch above the doctor's neck. As luck would have it, the law of the land stated that if an execution didn't succeed it was a miracle, and the prisoner was to be released.   The doctor was set free.

Then the apothecary was led up to the guillotine. "Head up or head down?" said the executioner. "Head up," said the apothecary. "Blindfold or no blindfold?" "No blindfold." Once again the executioner slowly raised the blade to the top of the guillotine.  When the blade reached its peak the executioner released it, and it came sliding down its tracks, but stopped barely an inch above the apothecary's neck. Once again the law prevailed and the apothecary was set free.

Finally the wizard was led up to the guillotine. "Head up or head down?" asked the executioner. "Head up." "Blindfold or no blindfold?" "No blindfold." The executioner slowly raised the blade to the top of the guillotine.  When the blade reached its peak the wizard exclaimed, "WAIT! I see how to fix the problem!"

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For the week of March 5, 2000

You've probably heard of "deja vu," the illusion of having previously experienced a situation that is happening now. Here are some related expressions:

Feel like I've milked this cow before: deja moo

Seen this strange animal before: deja gnu 

Smelled this bad odor before: deja phew 

Visited this menagerie before: deja zoo 

Scared this person away before: deja boo 

Read this mystery book before: deja clue 

Been in this courtroom before: deja sue 

Felt this bad before: deja rue 

Felt this sad before: deja blue 

Expanded this way before: deja grew 

Seen this slime before: deja goo 

Learned this stuff before: deja knew 

Waited in line before: deja queue 

Eaten this dinner before: deja stew 

Pursued this person before: deja woo 

Forgotten this your name before: deja who 

Had this feeling of deja vu before: deja too 

Seen these twins before: deja two 

Used this beer recipe before: deja brew 

Been on this airplane before: deja flew 

Came up with this innovation before: deja new

Fed these pigeons before: deja coo 

Sketched this portrait before: deja drew 

Ended this relationship before: deja through 

Felt this ill before: deja flu 

Sheared this sheep before: deja ewe 

Munched on this gum ball before: deja chew 

Sat through this sermon before: deja pew 

Played in this wet grass before: deja dew 

Admired this scenery before: deja ooo 

Lost it under the bed before: deja shoo 

Exposed the real facts before: deja true

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For the week of February 27, 2000

From Terry Paulson's
Monday Morning Message of Mastery and Mirth
comes the following play with languiage.

1. Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter: Eskimo Pi

2. 2000 pounds of Chinese soup: Won ton

3. Speed of a tortoise breaking the sound barrier: Mach Turtle

4. Half of a large intestine: 1 semicolon

5. 1000 aches: 1 megahurtz

6. Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement: bananosecond

7. Given the old adage "a journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step," the first step of a one-mile journey: 1 Milwaukee

8. 1 million microphones: 1 megaphone

9. 1 kilogram of figs falling 1 meter per second squared: 1 Fig Newton

10. 1000 cubic centimeters of wet socks: 1 literhosen

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For the week of February 20, 2000

(These have nothing to do with baseabll or ancient Greece)

From the mouth of Homer J. Simpson in "The Simpsons":

"Marge, it takes two to lie. One to lie and one to listen."

"You couldn't fool your mother on the foolingest day of your life if you had an electrified fooling machine."

"Marge, don't discourage the boy! Weaseling out of things is important to learn.
It's what separates us from the animals! Except the weasel."

"If you really want something in life you have to work for it. Now quiet, they're about to announce the lottery numbers."

"To alcohol! The cause of - and solution to - all of life's problems!"

"I want to share something with you - the three sentences that will get you through life:
Number one, 'cover for me.'
Number two, 'oh, good idea, boss.'
Number three, 'it was like that when I got here.'"

"Marge, you're as pretty as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda."

"Step aside everyone! Sensitive love letters are my specialty. 'Dear Baby, Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: you.'"

"Stealing! How could you? Haven't you learned anything from that guy who gives those sermons at church? Captain whats-his-name? We live in a society of laws. Why do you think I took you to all those Police Academy movies? For fun? Well I didn't hear anybody laughin', did you?"

"Maybe, just once, someone will call me 'sir' without adding, 'you're making a scene.'" 

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For the week of February 13, 2000

You may know that "emoticons" are those on line symbols that show emotion like :)    or  ;)  but here at humormatters we want to keep you abreast of new developments!

Perfect breasts

( + )( + )
Fake silicone breasts

High nipple breasts

Big nipple breasts

A cups

{ O }{ O }
D cups

Wonder bra breasts

( ^ )( ^ )
Cold breasts

Lopsided breasts

Pierced breasts

Hanging tassels breasts

Grandma's breasts

( - )( - )
Flat against the shower door breasts

Android breasts

Jenny McCarthy breasts

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For the week of February 6, 2000
With the sudden surge of game shows comes this weeks joke.

Regis Philbin is in bed and starts getting a little frisky with his wife Joy .  Joy rolls over and says, "Not tonight Regis, I have a headache." He responds "Is that your final answer?"

She replies "Yes Regis, that's my final answer!"

Regis replies, "In that case, I'd like to phone a friend."

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For the week of January 30, 2000
In Honor of Super Bowl Sunday Marking the completion of another NFL Season comes the following politically correct names for teams for the new millenium.

From now on, no offensive team names will be permitted. While the owners of the teams rush to change uniforms and such, the National Football League announced, yesterday, its name changes and schedules for the '2000 season:

Opening Week Match-Ups

The Washington Native Americans versus The New York Very Tall People
The Dallas Western-Style Laborers versus The St. Louis Wild Endangered Species
The Minnesota Plundering Men of the North versus The Green Bay Meat Industry Workers

Week 2
There are several key matchups, highlighted by the showdown between

The San Francisco Precious Metal Enthusiasts and The New Orleans Heavenly People
The Atlanta Birds of Prey will play host to The Philadelphia Larger Birds of Prey
The Seattle Aqua Birds of Prey will visit The Phoenix Male Finches

Monday Night Football
The Miami Playful Sea Mammals against the Denver Wild Horses

Week 3
The Cincinnati Massive Bangladeshi Carnivorous Felines will face The Tampa Bay Rogues of the Sea

The Detroit Dishonest Large Carnivorous Cats will play The Chicago Large Mountain Carnivores
The Indianapolis Young Male Horses will face New England Zealous Lovers of Country


Super Bowl Prediction for 2001

The Los Angeles Hollywood Stars versus The Houston Men of Space

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For the week of January 23, 2000
(From LyteBytes)

A priest, a rabbi and a minister walk into a bar.
The bartender says, "Hey, what is this, some kind of joke?"

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For the week of January 16, 2000

(If this week's joke offends you, please accept my apologies and considerate it in the context of the current news story about Atlanta Brave's pitcher John Rocker)

An Irishman, a Mexican and a redneck were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building. They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch I'm going to jump off this building." The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too." The redneck opened his lunch and said, "Bologna again. If I get a bologna sandwich one more time I'm jumping too." next day the Irishman opens his lunch box, sees corned beef and cabbage and jumps to his death. The Mexican opens his lunch, sees a burrito and jumps too. The redneck opens his lunch, sees the bologna and jumps to his death also. At the funeral The Irishman's wife is weeping. She says, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage I never would have given it to him again! The Mexican's wife also weeps and says, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much." Everyone turned and stared at the redneck's wife. "Hey, don't look at me" she said. "He makes his own lunch"

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For the week of January 09, 2000

A woman's car breaks down on the Interstate.  She eases over onto the shoulder where she carefully steps out of the car and opens the trunk.   Out pop two men in trench coats, who walk to the rear of the vehicle where they stand facing on-coming traffic and begin opening their coats and exposing themselves to approaching drivers.
Soon traffic is backed up for miles.  When a police officer arrives he is clearly enraged, runs toward the woman yelling,  "What the hell is going on here?"  
"My car broke down," replies the lady, calmly.  
"Well, what are these perverts doing here by the road?" screams the   officer.  
"These are my emergency flashers!" retorts the woman.

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For the week of January 02, 1900 (ooops)

For the First Week of (arguably) The New Millenium


1. Home is where you hang your @.
2. The e-mail of the species is more deadly than the mail.
3. A journey of a thousand sites begins with a single click.
4. You can't teach a new mouse old clicks.
5. Great groups from little icons grow.
6. Speak softly and carry a cellular phone.
7. C:\ is the root of all directories.
8. Oh, what a tangled website we weave when first we practice.
9. Pentium wise, pen and paper foolish.
10. The modem is the message.
11. Too many clicks spoil the browse.
12. The geek shall inherit the earth.
13. There's no place like
14. Don't byte off more than you can view.
15. Fax is stranger than fiction
16. What boots up must come down.
17. Windows will never cease.
18. Virtual reality is its own reward.
19. Modulation in all things.
20. Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; teach him
to use the Net and he won't bother you for weeks.

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Twas the Day After Christmas
From my friend and fellow jester, Patty.

Twas the day after Christmas, and all through the house, Every
creature was hurtin' even the mouse.

The toys were all broken, their batteries dead; Santa passed out, with
some ice on his head.

Wrapping and ribbons just covered the floor, while Upstairs the family
continued to snore.

And I in my T-shirt, new Reeboks and jeans, I went into the kitchen
and started to clean.

When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter, I sprang from the
sink to see what was the matter.

Away to the window I flew like a flash, tore open the curtains, and
threw up the sash.

When what to my wondering eyes should appear, But a little white
truck, with an oversized mirror.

The driver was smiling, so lively and grand; The patch on his jacket
said "U.S. POSTMAN."

With a handful of bills, he grinned like a fox. Then quickly he
stuffed them into our mailbox.

Bill after bill, after bill, they still came. Whistling and shouting
he called them by name:

"Now Dillard's, now Broadway's, now Penny's and Sears Here's
Robinson's, Levitz's and Target's and Mervyn's.

To the tip or your limit, every store, every mall, Now
chargeaway--chargeaway--chargeaway all!"

He whooped and he whistled as he finished his work. He filled up the
box, and then turned with a jerk.

He sprang to his truck and he drove down the road, Driving much faster
with just half a load.

Then I heard him exclaim with great holiday cheer, "ENJOY WHAT YOU

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For 1999 Joke of the Week in Previous Years click here enter.gif (3615 bytes)

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Humor Matters™

Steven M. Sultanoff, Ph.D.
Mirthologist and Clinical Psychologist
3972 Barranca Pkwy. Suite J-221
Irvine, CA 92606