Joke of the Week 2001

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December 9, 2001

One of those Days

With the holiday season upon us, many of us get stressed out.  In honor of those "stressing" days comes this week's bit of humor.

Did you hear about the teacher who was  helping one of her kindergarten students put his boots on? He asked for help and she could see why. With her pulling and him pushing, the boots still didn't want to go on. When the second boot was on, she had worked up a sweat. She almost whimpered when the little boy said, "Teacher, they're on the wrong feet." She looked and sure enough, they were. It wasn't any easier pulling the boots off then it was putting them on. She managed to keep her cool as together they worked to get the boots back on - this time on the right feet.

 He then announced, "These aren't my boots." She bit her tongue rather than get right in his face and scream, "Why didn't you say so?" like she wanted to. Once again she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off. He then said, "They're my brother's boots. My Mom made me wear them." She didn't know if she should laugh or cry. She mustered up the grace to wrestle the boots on his feet again. She said, "Now, where are your mittens?"
 He said, "I stuffed them in the toes of my boots..."

 Ever have one of those days?

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For the week of November 18, 2001

This week marks one of the busiest travel weeks of the year.  You may experience slower lines and extensive security.  As you travel please take your sense of humor with you.  I travel frequently and have generated lots of ticket agent smiles with my clown nose ID and my Elvis Drivers license.  Here is a little travel agent humor to spark your funny bone.

I had someone ask for an aisle seat so that their hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window.

A client called in inquiring about a package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost info, she asked, "Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii?"

I got a call from a woman who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information when she interrupted me with "I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts." Without trying to make her look like the stupid one, I calmly explained, "Cape Cod is in Massachusetts, Capetown is in Africa." Her response ... click.

A man called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that is not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, "Don't lie to me. I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state."

I got a call from a man who asked, "Is it possible to see England from Canada?" I said, "No." He said, "But they look so close on the map."

Another man called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas. When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed he had a 1-hour lay-over in Dallas. When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, "I heard Dallas was a big airport, and I need a car to drive between the gates to save time."

A nice lady just called. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:20am and got into Chicago at 8:33am. I tried to explain that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but she could not understand the concept of time zones. Finally, I told her the plane went very fast, and she bought that!

A woman called and asked, "Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know who's luggage belongs to who?" I said, "No, why do you ask?" She replied, "Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said FAT, and I'm overweight, is there any connection?" After putting her on hold for a minute while I "looked into it" ( I was actually laughing) I came back and explained the city code for Fresno is FAT, and that the airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage.

I just got off the phone with a man who asked, "How do I know which plane to get on?" I asked him what exactly he meant, which he replied, "I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these darn planes have numbers on them."

A woman called and said, "I need to fly to Pepsi-cola on one of those computer planes." I asked if she meant to fly to Pensacola on a commuter plane. She said, "Yeah, whatever."

A business man called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him he needed a visa. "Oh no I don't, I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those." I double checked and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he said, "Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express." 

A woman called to make reservations, "I want to go from Chicago to Hippopotamus, New York" The agent was at a loss for words. Finally, the agent said,: "Are you sure that's the name of the town?" "Yes, what flights do you have?" replied the customer. After some searching, the agent came back with, "I'm sorry, ma'am, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a Hippopotamus anywhere." The customer retorted, "Oh don't be silly. Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!" The agent scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, "You don't mean Buffalo, do you?"... "That's it! I knew it was a big animal."

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For the week of November 11, 2001

An elderly man, concerned about his wife’s hearing, decides to test her ears.  From across the room he says, “Can you hear me?”  When there is no reply he moves closer and again asks, “Can you hear me?”  Again there is no reply so he moves even closer to his wife and asks, “Can you hear me?” to which his wife replies, “For the third time, Yes!”

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For the week of November 4, 2001

Two blondes are facing each other across a wide stream. One yells to the other, “How do you get to the other side?” to which the other blonde replies, “You are on the other side!”

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For the week of October 28, 2001

A man goes into a pet shop and tells the owner that he wants to buy a pet that can do everything. The owner says "How about a dog?"  The man replies, "Come on, a dog?"  The owner says, "How about a cat?

The man replies, "No way! A cat certainly can't do everything. I want a pet that can do everything!"  The owner thinks for a minute, then says, "I've got it! A centipede!"  The man says, "A centipede? I can't imagine a centipede doing everything, but okay... I'll try a centipede." He gets the centipede home and says to the centipede, "Clean the kitchen."

Thirty minutes later, he walks into the kitchen and... it's immaculate. All the dishes and silverware have been washed, dried, and put away; the counter-tops cleaned; the appliances sparkling; the floor waxed. He's absolutely amazed. He says to the centipede, "Go clean the living room."

Twenty minutes later, he walks into the living room. The carpet has been vacuumed; the furniture cleaned and dusted; the pillows on the sofa plumped; plants watered. The man thinks to himself, "This is the most amazing thing I've ever seen. This really is a pet that can do everything."

He says to the centipede, "Run down to the corner and get me a newspaper." The centipede walks out the door. 10 minutes later... no centipede. 20 minutes later... no centipede. 30 minutes later... no centipede. The man is wondering what's going on. The centipede should have been back in a couple of minutes. 45 minutes later... still no centipede! He can't imagine what could have happened. Did the centipede run away?  Where is that centipede?? He goes to the front door, opens it ... and there's the centipede sitting right outside. The man says, "Hey!!! I sent you down to the corner 45 minutes ago to get me a newspaper. What's the story?!"  The centipede says, "I'm goin'! I'm goin'! I'm just puttin' on my shoes!"

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For the week of October 21, 2001
In honor of the Baseball playoffs comes this week's joke.

The Atlanta Symphony was performing Beethoven's Ninth. In the piece, there's a long passage - about 20 minutes - during which the bass violinists have nothing to do. Rather than sit around that whole time looking stupid, some bassists decided to sneak offstage and go to the tavern next door for a quick one.

After slamming several beers in quick succession (as bass violinists sometimes do), one of them looked at his watch. "Hey! We need to get back!" he said.

"No need to panic," said a fellow bassist. "I thought we might need some extra time, so I tied the last few pages of the conductor's score together with string. It'll take him a few minutes to get it untangled."

A few moments later they staggered back to the concert hall and took their places in the orchestra. About this time, a member of the audience noticed the conductor seemed a bit edgy and said as much to her companion.

"Well, of course," said her companion. "Don't you see? It's the bottom of the Ninth, the score is tied, and the bassists are loaded."

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For the week of September 23, 2001

This week's contribution comes from my friend and colleague Dr. Laugh

The residents of Chicago are not worried about terrorist attacks at Wrigley Field because no terrorist would destroy the stadium and put Chicago out of it's misery

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For the week of September 16, 2001

For the week of September 9, 2001
(This week we share a bit of Jewish Humor in Honor of the upcoming Jewish Holidays)

Things You Never Learned In Hebrew School 
What business is a yenta in? Yours. 

No meal is complete without leftovers. 

According to Jewish dietary law, pork and shellfish may be eaten...
but only in a Chinese restaurant. 

A schmata is a dress that your husband's ex is wearing. 

Prune Danish is definitely an acquired taste. 

One mitzvah can change the world; two will just make you tired. 

After the destruction of the Second temple, God created Loehmans's. 

No one looks good in a yarmulke. 

If your name were Lipschitz, you'd change it too. 

Anything worth saying is worth repeating a thousand times. 

Where there's smoke, there may be smoked salmon. 

Never take a front row seat at a is. 

Next year in Jerusalem. The year after that, how about a nice cruise? 

Never leave a restaurant empty handed. (You are never too full for Sweet'nLow!)  

Spring ahead, fall back, winter in Miami Beach. 

WASPs leave and never say goodbye; Jews say goodbye and never leave. 

20% off is a bargain; 50% off is a mitzvah. 

Israel is the land of milk and honey; Florida is the land of milk of magnesia. 

The High Holidays have absolutely nothing to do with marijuana. 

Always whisper the names of diseases. 

If it tastes good, it's probably not kosher. 

Without Jewish mothers, who would need therapy? 

If you have to ask the price, you can't afford it. 
But if you can afford it, make sure to tell everybody what you paid. 

The only thing more important than a good education 
is a good parking spot at the mall. 

Laugh now, but one day you'll be driving a big Cadillac and 
eating dinner at four in the afternoon....

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For the week of September 2, 2001

By D'Sign

Sign on an electrician's truck: 
Let us remove your shorts.

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Maternity Clothes Shop: 
We are open on labor day.

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On a Front Door: 
Everyone on the premises is a vegetarian except the dog.

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On a Maternity Room Door: 
Push, Push, Push"

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Non-smoking area: 
If we see you smoking we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action

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Optometrist's Office: 
If you don't see what you're looking for, 
you've come to the right place.

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Scientist's Door: 
Gone Fission

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Taxidermist Window: 
We really know our stuff.

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Podiatrist's Window: 
Time wounds all heels.

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Sign on Fence: 
Salesmen welcome. 
Dog food is expensive.

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Car Dealership: 
The best way to get back on your feet - 
miss a car payment.

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Muffler Shop: 
No appointment necessary. 
We'll hear you coming.

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Help! We need inn - experienced people.

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Butcher's Window: 
Pleased to meat you.

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Sign in an office: 
We shoot every 3rd salesman, and the 2nd one just left.

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Veterinarians Waiting Room: 
Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!

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The Electric Company: 
We would be delighted if you send in your bill.
However, if you don't, you will be.

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Beauty Shop: 
Dye now!

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Garbage Truck: 
We've got what it takes to take what you've got.

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Computer Store: 
Out for a quick byte

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Diner Window: 
Don't stand there and be hungry, 
come in and get fed up.

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Bowling Alley: 
Please be quiet. We need to hear a pin drop.

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Shoes are required to eat in the cafeteria. 
Socks can eat any place they want.

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Music Library: 
Bach in a minuet.

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Funeral Home: 
Drive carefully, we'll wait.

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For the week of August 26, 2001

'Daddy,' said a six-year-old boy, 'I'd like to get  married.'
'Sure, son.' said his father. 'Anyone special in mind?'
'Yes,' answered the boy. 'Grandma.'
'Now, wait a minute,' said his father. 'You don't think I'd let you marry my mother, do you!!'
'Why not?' the boy asked. 'You married mine.'

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For the week of August 19, 2001

Charlie had a massive heart attack and died. His body was delivered to the mortuary. He had been wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit at the time of his demise, so he really looked wonderful, considering the circumstances. 

His wife went to the funeral home to make the final arrangements for his interment.

She spoke to the mortician about what her husband would be wearing. The mortician pointed out that the man looked really nice in the black suit he was wearing, and that frankly it would be easier and less expensive to leave him dressed as he was.

The woman noted that Charlie had always looked his very best in blue, and that she really wanted him in a blue suit for his trip to eternity. To silence the mortician's continued outcries, she gave him a blank check and said, "I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in the very best blue suit money can buy for the ceremony."

The woman came back the next day for the wake. To her delight, she found her Charlie dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fit him perfectly.

 She said to the mortician, "Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job, and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?"

 To her astonishment, the mortician presented her with the blank check, indicating there was no charge for these extra services. "No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!" she cried.

 The mortician responded, "Honestly, ma'am, the change to the blue suit cost nothing.  Funny thing, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, wearing an attractive blue suit.

 I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing an attractive black suit. She indicated that it made no difference, as long as he looked nice...

 So I switched the heads."

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For the week of August 12, 2001

With the baseball season in its final months, it appears that once again the Yankees will be in the playoffs.  While I am not a Yankees fan, I must concede that they are among the most devoted.  With that in mind comes this week's joke which blends a but of New York Jewish humor with Yankee spirit.  It is dedicated to my best friend who, while not Jewish he could have been and whose greatest fault is his devotion to the Yankees.

Morton Goldberg, a lifelong Yankees fan, called his Rabbi and whined, "I know tonight is Kol Nidre, but tonight the Yankees start the playoffs. As you know, Rabbi, I'm a devout fan.  I've got to watch the Yankee game on TV."

The Rabbi responded, "Mort, you know that's what VCRs are for."

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For the week of August 5, 2001

An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any   interest in his paintings on display at that time.

"I have good news and bad news," the owner replied. "The good   news is that a gentleman enquired about your work and   wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death.   When I told him it would, he bought all 15 of your   paintings."

"That's wonderful!" the artist exclaimed. "What's the bad   news?"

"The guy was your doctor."

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For the week of July 29, 2001

A fire started on some grassland near a farm. The county fire department was called to put out the fire. The fire was more than the county fire department could handle. Someone suggested that a nearby volunteer bunch be called. Despite some doubt that the volunteer outfit would be of any assistance, the call was made. The volunteers arrived in a dilapidated old fire truck. They rumbled straight towards the fire, drove right into the middle of the flames and stopped! The firemen jumped off the truck and frantically started spraying water in all directions. Soon they had snuffed out the center of the fire, breaking the blaze into two easily controlled parts. Watching all this, the farmer was so impressed with the volunteer fire department's work and was so grateful that his farm had been spared, that right there on the spot he presented the volunteers with a check for $1,000. A local news reporter asked the volunteer fire captain what the department planned to do with the funds. "That ought to be obvious," he responded, wiping ashes off his coat. "The first thing we're gonna do is get the brakes fixed on our fire truck!"

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For the week of July 22, 2001

A man's car stalled on a country road. When he got out to fix it, a cow came along and stopped beside him. "Your trouble is probably in the carburetor," said the cow.

Startled, the man jumped back and ran down the road until he met a farmer. He told the farmer his story. 

"Was it a large red cow with a brown spot over the right eye?" asked the farmer.

"Yes, yes," the man replied.

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For the week of July 15, 2001

A policeman had a perfect spot to watch for speeders, but wasn't getting many. Then he discovered the problem-a 10 year old boy was standing up the road with a hand painted sign which read "RADAR TRAP AHEAD." The officer then found a young accomplice down the road with a sign reading "TIPS" and a bucket full of change.bomb2_ln.gif (615 bytes)

For the week of July 8, 2001

Your Daily Moment of Zen

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. 
Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. 
Do not walk beside me, either.

2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.

3. It's always darkest before dawn. 
So if you're going to steal your neighbor's paper, that's the time to do it.

4. Sex is like air. It's not important unless you aren't getting any.

5. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

6. No one is listening until you fart.

7. Always remember you are unique. Just like everyone else.

8. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

9. It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.

10. It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help.

11. If you think no one cares if you live or die, try missing a couple car payments

12. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes.
That way, when you do criticize them, you're a mile away...and you have their shoes.

13. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

14. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. 
Teach him how to fish and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

15. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.

16. Don't squat with your spurs on.

17. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

18. If you drink, don't park; accidents cause people.

19. Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield.

20. Don't worry, it only seems kinky the first time.

21. Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

22. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and stick it in your back pocket.

23. Timing has an awful lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.

24. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

25. Duct tape is like the force. 
It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

26. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

27. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your mouth is moving.

28. Experience is something you don't get until just after you needed it.

29. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

30. We are born naked, wet, and hungry.

Then things get worse.
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For the week of June 31, 2001

The Price of a gallon of  gas got you down?
Try these by the gallon cost comparisons!

1. Diet Snapple, 16 oz. @ $1.29, equals $10.32 per gallon.
2. Lipton Ice Tea, 16 oz. @ $1.19, equals $9.52 per gallon.
3. Gatorade, 20 oz. @ $1.59, equals $10.17 per gallon.
4. Ocean Spray, 16 oz. @ $1.25, equals $10.00 per gallon.
5. Quart of Milk, 16 oz. @ $1.59, equals $6.32 per gallon. (more like $2.99 a gallon)
6. STP Brake Fluid, 12 oz. @ $3.15, equals $33.60 per gallon.
7. Vick's Nyquil, 6 oz. @ $8.35, equals $178.13 per gallon.
8. Pepto Bismol, 4 oz. @ $3.85, equals $123.20 per gallon.
9. Whiteout, 7 oz. @ $1.39, equals $254.17 per gallon.
10. Scope, 1.5 oz. @ $.99, equals $84.84 per gallon.
...... here's the real KICKER.......

....Evian water, 9 oz. @ $1.49, equals $21.19 per gallon......

The next time you're at the pump ".. be glad your car doesn't run on Nyquil or Scope J"

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For the week of June 24, 2001

Something Religious

A plane full of retirees headed for Florida was gripped with fear when the pilot announced, "Two of our engines are on fire; we are flying through a heavy fog and it has eliminated all our visibility." The passengers were numb with fear, except for one - a retired minister. "Now, now, keep calm," he said. "Let's all bow our heads and pray." Immediately, the group bowed their heads to pray, except one man. "Why aren't you bowing your head to pray?" the minister asked. "I don't know how to pray," replied the passenger. "Well, just do something religious!" instructed the minister. The man got up and passed his hat down the aisle, taking an offering.

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For the week of June 17, 2001

Happy Father's Day

Four expectant fathers were in Minneapolis hospital waiting room, while their wives were in labor. The nurse arrived and announced to the first man, "Congratulations sir! You're the father of twins!" "What a coincidence" the man said with some obvious pride. "I work for the Minnesota Twins baseball team."

The nurse returned in a little while and turned to the second man, "You sir, are the father of triplets!" "Wow, That's really an incredible coincidence, " he answered. "I work for the 3M Corporation. My buddies at work will never let me live this one down."

An hour later, while the other two men were passing cigars around, the nurse came back, this time she turned to the 3rd man who had been quiet in the corner. She announced that his wife had just given birth to quadruplets. Stunned, he barely could reply. "Don't tell me! Another coincidence?" asked the nurse. After finally regaining his composure, he said "I don't believe it, I work for the Four Seasons Hotel."

After hearing this, everybody's attention turned to the 4th guy, who had just fainted, flat out on the floor. The nurse rushed to his side and after some time, he slowly regained consciousness. When he was finally able to speak, you could hear him whispering repeatedly the same phrase over and over again:

"I should have never taken that job at 7-Eleven...
"I should have never taken that job at 7-Eleven...
"I should have never taken that job at 7-Eleven..."

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For the week of June 10, 2001
We continue with humor and relationships

The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly of Marriage

Good: Your hubby and you agree, no more kids
Bad:   You can't find your birth control pills
Ugly:  Your daughter borrowed them

Good: Your son studies a lot in his room
Bad:   You find several porn movies hidden there
Ugly:  You're in them

Good: Your husband understands fashion
Bad:   He's a cross dresser
Ugly:  He looks better than you

Good: Your son's finally maturing
Bad:   He's involved with the woman next door
Ugly:  So are you

Good: You give the birds and bees talk to your daughter
Bad:   She keeps interrupting
Ugly:  With corrections

Good: Your wife's not talking to you
Bad:   She wants a divorce
Ugly:  She's a lawyer

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For the week of June 3, 2001
It is that "marrying" time of year so this month's humor will target marriage and relationships.

On Love, Lust and Marriage

LOVE - When your eyes meet across a crowded room.
LUST - When your tongues meet across a crowded room.
MARRIAGE - When you try to lose your spouse in a crowded room.

LOVE - When intercourse is called "making love."
LUST - When intercourse is called "screwing."
MARRIAGE - When intercourse is a town in Pennsylvania.

LOVE - When you argue over how many children to have.
LUST - When you argue over who gets the wet spot.
MARRIAGE - When you argue over whose idea it was to have kids.

LOVE - When you share everything you own.
LUST - When you do not care about what you own.
MARRIAGE - When the bank owns everything.

LOVE - When it doesn't matter if you don't climax.
LUST - When you always climax.
MARRIAGE - When. uh ... what's a climax?

LOVE - When you phone each other just to say, "Hi."
LUST - When you phone each other to pick a hotel
MARRIAGE - When you phone each other to bitch about work.

LOVE - When you write poems about your partner.
LUST - When there is no time to write.
MARRIAGE - When all you write is checks.

LOVE - When your only concern is for your partner's feelings.
LUST - When your only concern is to find a room with mirrors all around.
MARRIAGE - When you're only concern as to what's on TV.

LOVE - When you are proud to be seen in public with your partner.
LUST - When you only see each other naked.
MARRIAGE - When you never see each other awake.

LOVE - When your heart flutters every time you see them.
LUST - When your groin twitches every time you see them.
MARRIAGE - When your wallet empties every time you see them.

LOVE - When all the songs on the radio describe exactly how you feel.
LUST - When the song on the radio determines how you do it.
MARRIAGE - When you listen to talk radio.

LOVE - When breaking up is something you try not to think about.
LUST - When you do not do much thinking.
MARRIAGE - When just getting through the day is your only thought.

LOVE - When you're only interested in doing things with your partner.
LUST - When you're only interested in doing things TO your partner.
MARRIAGE - When you're only interested in your golf score.

LOVE - When a rainy day means more time to stay inside and talk.
LUST- When a rainy day means more time to stay inside and have sex.
MARRIAGE - When a rainy day means it's time to clean the basement.

LOVE - You only leave the house to buy coffee and doughnuts.
LUST - You only leave the house to buy condoms and K-Y Jelly.
MARRIAGE - You only leave the house when you're allowed.

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For the week of May 27, 2001

A Mathematician, a Biologist and a Physicist are sitting in a street cafe watching people going in and coming out of the house on the other side of the street. First they see two people going into the house. Time passes. After a while they notice three persons coming out of the house.

The Physicist says: "The measurement wasn't accurate." The Biologist concludes: "They have reproduced." The Mathematician says: "Now if another person enters the house, it'll be empty again."
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For the week of May 20, 2001
Next weekend is a busy travel week and this week's joke may help you put a little perspective on the trails and tribulations of air travel. 
An award should go to the United Airlines gate agent in Denver for being smart and funny, and making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo. Be sure to smile as you fly the friendly skies.

 A crowded United flight was canceled. A single agent was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced travelers. Suddenly, an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS."

The agent replied, "I'm sorry sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these folks first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out." The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "Do you have any idea who I am?" Without hesitating, the gate agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone. "May I have your attention please?" she began, her voice bellowing throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at the gate WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to the gate." With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the United agent, gritted his teeth and swore, F*** you!" Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to stand in line for that, too."

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For the week of May 13, 2001
Happy Mother's Day

One day, a little girl is sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly notices that her mother has several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast to her brunette hair. She looks at her mother and inquisitively asks, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?" Her mother replied "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white." The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then asked, "Momma, how come all of grandma's hairs are white?"
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For the week of May 6, 2001
Next week is Mother's Day so this week's and next Week's  jokes are dedicated to  mothers

'Daddy,' said a six-year-old boy, 'I'd like to get married.' 
 'Sure, son.' said his father. 'Anyone special in mind?'   
'Yes,' answered the boy. 'Grandma.'  
'Now, wait a minute,' said his father. 'You don't think I'd let you marry my mother, do you!!'  
'Why not?' the boy asked. 'You married mine.'
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For the week of April 29,  2001

After settling into the White House President George W. Bush wanted to expand his culinary pallet.  An aide suggested that President Bush try some traditional Jewish Deli delights.  At the Deli the first course arrived and was a large bowl of Matzoth Ball soup with two large matzoth balls. 

Noticing President Bush's hesitation the aide gently encouraged, "Just have a taste, sir. If you don't like it, you don't have to finish it." The President spooned a small piece of matzo ball with some soup, and to his delight was pleased with the taste. He quickly finished the entire bowl and both matzo balls. "That was delicious," The President said. "I wonder if they eat any other parts of the Matzoth, or just the balls?"
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For the week of April 22,  2001

Oh, What the Cell
Phone Junkies
From Joke of the

Addicted to Your Cell Phone? Tangled in a web of wireless?
Maybe you should ask yourself these questions.

1. Do parts of your body tingle when you get free cell
phone minutes?

2. Does raising your children interfere with programming
your speed dial?

3. Do you have long-distance conversations while sitting
on the toilet in a public restroom?

4. Does the term fashion statement mean to you matching
your outfit with your cell phone carrying case?

5. When getting into a car accident, is your first
response "Can you hold on a moment, I’m hemorrhaging?"

6. Does the sound of static trigger dark memories of
ill-fated connections?

7. Do you use the menu light as your night light?

8. Does it take you an hour on a regular phone to get
the same feeling of a five-minute cellular call?

9. When receiving a phone call, do you ever ask the film
projectionist to lower the volume of the movie?

10. Do you have erotic dreams about digital service?

For the week of April 15,  2001
This humor was shared by several of my friends on the Internet.  
I hope you enjoy it.

All I Need to Know About Life 
I Learned from The Easter Bunny

Don't put all of your eggs in one basket.
Walk softly and carry a big carrot.
Everyone needs a friend who is all ears.
There's no such thing as too much candy.
All work and no play can make you a basket case.
A cute little tail attracts a lot of attention.
Everyone is entitled to a bad hare day.
Let happy thoughts multiply like rabbits.
Some body parts should be floppy.
Keep your paws off other people's jellybeans.
Good things come in small sugarcoated packages.
The grass is always greener in someone else's basket.
An Easter bonnet can tame even the wildest hare.
To show your true colors you have to come out of your shell.
The best things in life are still sweet and gooey.

For the week of April 1,  2001
Truth or Fiction????

The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez oil spill in Alaska was $80,000. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later they were both eaten by a killer whale.bomb2_ln.gif (615 bytes)
A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen, shaking frantically with what looked like a wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current she whacked him with a handy plank of wood by the back door, breaking his arm in two places. A shame as he had merely been listening to his walkman.bomb2_ln.gif (615 bytes)
Two animal rights protesters were protesting at the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn. Suddenly the pigs, all two thousand of them, escaped through a broken fence and stampeded, trampling the two hapless protesters to death.bomb2_ln.gif (615 bytes)
Iraqi terrorist, Khay Rahnajet, didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with "return to sender" stamped on it. You guessed it, he opened it and said a fond farewell to his face.

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For the week of March 25,  2001
This week we take a fast break from our taxing humor to poke a bit of fun at the annual March Madness

The psychology instructor had just finished a lecture on mental health and was giving an oral test. Speaking specifically about manic depression, she asked, "How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in a chair weeping uncontrollably the next?" A young man in the rear raised his hand and answered, "A basketball coach?"bomb2_ln.gif (615 bytes)

For the week of March 18,  2001
Shared by Kelli:

The Job Applicants

A mathematician, a statistician and an accountant apply for the same job. The interviewer calls in the mathematician and asks "What do two plus two equal?"

The mathematician replies "Four."

The interviewer asks "Four, exactly?"

The mathematician looks at the interviewer incredulously and says "Yes, four, exactly."

Then the interviewer calls in the statistician and asks the same question "What do two plus two equal?"

The statistician says "On average, four - give or take ten percent, but on average, four."

Then the interviewer calls in the accountant and poses the same question "What do two plus two equal?"

The accountant gets up, locks the door, closes the shade, sits down next to the interviewer and says "What do you want it to equal?"
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For the week of March 11,  2001

This week we continue with our accountants and taxes theme.

There are three kinds of accountants in the world. Those who can count and those who can't.

What's the definition of an accountant?

Someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had in a way you don't understand.

What is another definition of an accountant?

Someone who knows the cost of everything and the value of nothing.

What's the definition of a good tax accountant?

Someone who has a loophole named after him.

When does a person decide to become an accountant?

When he realizes he doesn't have the charisma to succeed as an undertaker.

What's an extroverted accountant? 

One who looks at your shoes while he's talking to you instead of his own.

What's an auditor?

Someone who arrives after the battle and bayonets all the wounded.

Why did the auditor cross the road?

Because he looked in the file and that's what they did last year.

What's an accountant's idea of trashing his hotel room?

Refusing to fill out the guest comment card.

How do you drive an accountant completely insane?

Tie him to a chair, stand in front of him and fold up a road map the wrong way.

What's the most wicked thing a group of young accountants can do?

Go into town and gang audit someone.

What do accountants suffer from that ordinary people don't?


An accountant is having a hard time sleeping and goes to see his doctor. "Doctor, I just can't get to sleep at night." "Have you tried counting sheep?" "That's the problem I make a mistake and then spend three hours trying to find it."

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For the week of March 4,  2001

Although the most taxing day of the year is not until April 15, it is time to roll out the annual tax time humor so for the next month or so each week the joke of the week will be dedicated to our annual sacrifice of income!

One taxpayer, who worked at a pest control firm listed his
occupation as "Hired Killer."

An IRS telephone assistant was overheard to say, "Sir please
watch your language!...Sir, watch your language!...Sir,
please!...Reverend, I'm ashamed of you!"

In 1987, Congress required that the Social Security numbers
of all dependents age five and older be included on the tax
return. In that tax year, over 7 million dependents
disappeared from tax returns all over the country. Must have
been the largest case of mass alien abduction in the history
of the world.

Along the same line was the couple who wanted to deduct the
cost of their daughter's wedding as a casualty loss. After
all, they reasoned, she really made a terrible mistake
marrying the man she did.
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For the week of February 25,  2001

When the store manager returned from lunch, he noticed his clerk's hand was bandaged. Before he could ask about the bandage, the clerk said he had some very good news for him.

 "Guess what, sir?" the clerk said. "I finally sold that terrible, ugly suit we've had so long!"

 "Do you mean that repulsive pink and blue double-breasted thing?" the manager asked.

 "That's the one!"

 "That's great!" the manager cried, "I thought we'd never get rid of that monstrosity! That had to be the ugliest suit we've ever had! But tell me, why is your hand bandaged?"

 "Oh," the clerk replied, "after I sold the guy that suit, his guide dog bit me."

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For the week of February 18,  2001
Here's one for the luck of the Irish.

Saddam Hussein was sitting in his office wondering who to invade next when his telephone rang. "Hallo! Mr. Hussein," a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy down in County Cavan, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!"

"Well, Paddy," Saddam replied, "This is indeed important news! Tell me, how big is your army?"

"At this moment in time," said Paddy after a moment's calculation, "there is myself, my cousin Sean, my next door neighbor Gerry, and the entire dominoes team from the pub -- that makes eight!"

Saddam sighed. "I must tell you Paddy that I have a million men in my army waiting to move on my command."

"Begorra!", said Paddy, "I'll have to ring you back!" Sure enough, the next day Paddy rang back. "Right Mr. Hussein, the war is still on! We have managed to acquire some equipment!"

"And what equipment would that be, Paddy?" Saddam asked.

"Well, we have two combine harvesters, a bulldozer and Murphy's tractor from the farm."

Once more Saddam sighed. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have sixteen thousand tanks, fourteen thousand armored personnel carriers, and my army has increased to 1 and a half million since we last spoke."

"Really?!" said Paddy "I'll have to ring you back!" Sure enough, Paddy rang again the next day. "Right Mr. Hussein, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We've modified Ted's ultra-light with a couple of rifles in the cockpit and the bridge team has joined us as well!"

Saddam was silent for a minute, then sighed. "I must tell you Paddy that I have ten thousand bombers, twenty thousand MiG 19 attack planes, my military complex is surrounded by laser- guided surface-to-air missile sites, and since we last spoke, my army has increased to two million."

"Faith and begorra!", said Paddy, "I'll have to ring you back." Sure enough, Paddy called again the next day. "Right Mr. Hussein, I am sorry to tell you that we have had to call off the war."

"I'm sorry to hear that" said Saddam. "Why the sudden change of heart?"

"Well," said Paddy "We've all had a chat, and there's no way we can feed two million prisoners."

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For the week of February 11,  2001

In honor of Valentine's Day we have the 
Chocolate Funnies

Why is there no such organization as Chocoholics Anonymous? ....
Because no one wants to quit.

How to get 2 pounds of chocolate home from the store in hot car...
Eat it in the parking lot.

A nice box of chocolates provide your total daily intake of calories in one place. Isn't that handy?

If calories are an issue, store your chocolate on top of the fridge.
Calories are afraid of heights, and they will jump out of the chocolate to protect themselves.

The preservatives in chocolate make you look younger.

If not for chocolate, there would be no need for control top pantyhose. 
An entire garment industry would be devastated.

Put "eat chocolate" at the top of your list of things to do today. 
That way, at least you'll get one thing done.
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For the week of January 28,  2001

I loved these.  I hope they bring a smile to you.


1. You just tried to enter your password on the microwave.

2. You have a list of 15 phone #'s, to reach your family of three.

3. You call your son's beeper to let him know it's time to eat. He emails you back from his bedroom, "What's for dinner?"

4. Your daughter sells Girl Scout Cookies via her web site.

5. You chat several times a day with a stranger from South Africa, but you haven't spoken with your next door neighbor yet this year.

6. You check the ingredients on a can of chicken noodle soup to see if it contains Echinacea.

7. You check your blow-dryer to see if it's Y2K compliant.

8. Your grandmother clogs up your e-mail inbox asking you to send her a JPEG file of your newborn so she can create a screen saver.

9. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home.

10. Every commercial on television has a website address at the bottom of the screen.

11. You buy a computer and a week later it is out of date and now sells for half the price you paid.

12. The concept of using real money, instead of credit or debit, to make a purchase, is foreign to you.

13. Cleaning up the dining room means getting the fast food bags out of the back seat of your car.

14. Your reason for not staying in touch with family is that they do not have e-mail addresses.

15. You consider second-day air delivery painfully slow.

16. Your dining room table is now your flat filing cabinet.

17. Your idea of being organized, is multicolored Post-It notes.

18. You hear most of your jokes via e-mail instead of in person.

19. You get an extra phone line so you can get phone calls.

20. You turn off your Modem and get this awful feeling, as if you just pulled the plug on a loved one.

21. You get up in morning and go online before getting your coffee.

22. You wake up at 4 AM, to go to the bathroom and check your e-mail on your way back to bed.

23. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. :)

24. You're reading this.

25. Even worse; you're going to forward it to someone else!

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For the week of January 21,  2001

Proverbs for the New Millenium

1. Speak softly and carry a cellular phone.

2. The modem is the message.

3. The geek shall inherit the earth.

4. Don't byte off more than you can view.

5. A user and his leisure time are soon parted.

6. Give a man (or for that matter anyone) a fish and you feed him for a day; teach him to use the Net and he won't bother you for weeks.

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For the week of January 14,  2001
This week for a change of pace we offer our first knock knock of 2001

Who's there?
Doris who?
Doris locked, that's why I had to knock!

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For the week of January 7,  2001

New Year's Prayer
(This has been revised from the original)

 May we get a clean bill of health from our dentist, our psychiatrist, our ophthalmologist, our cardiologist, our gastroenterologist, our urologist, our proctologist, our gynecologist, our podiatrist, our plumber, our hairdresser, and the IRS.

May our hair, our teeth, our facelift, our abs, our honey cakes, and our stocks not fall and may our blood pressure, our triglycerides, our cholesterol, our white blood count, our weight and our mortgage interest rates not rise.

May we find a way to travel from anywhere to anywhere in the rush hour in less than an hour and when we get there, may we find a parking space.

May our computers not crash or catch a virus.  May the internet increase speed so that we can go virtually at the speed of enlightenment.

May we be sensitive to the needs of others and create balance with those of our own. 

May we be awestruck by the ironies of life and the world's sense of humor as we realize that a professional wrestler has become a governor and could become president of the United States.  

May we accept that we may not keep up with our New Year's resolutions.

May we can laugh at ourselves and realize that if we were supposed to touch our toes while exercising, nature would have put them further up our bodies; and, the reason so many of us take up jogging is to hear heavy breathing again.

May what we see in the mirror delight us and what others see in us, delight them. May someone love us enough to accept and forgive our faults, be blind to our blemishes, and tell the world about our virtues.

May the telemarketers wait until after we finish dinner to call us. May our checkbooks and budgets balance. 

May we remember to say "I love you" at least once a day to our spouse, our child, our parent, all of our significant others. 

May we live in a world at peace, with awareness of the beauty in every sunset, flower, baby's smile, lover's kiss, and every wonderful astonishing beat of our heart. May we smile and laugh throughout the year. 

Original Source Unknown

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Humor Matters™

Steven M. Sultanoff, Ph.D.
Mirthologist and Clinical Psychologist
3972 Barranca Pkwy. Suite J-221
Irvine, CA 92606