HumorMatterstm
Joke of the Week 2002

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for Joke of the Week in past years.
 

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 December 22, 2002

Please visit our Christmas Index for a listing of Christmas humor

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December 15, 2002

A Little Christmas Humor

A Good Gift

A guy bought his wife a beautiful diamond ring for Christmas.

After hearing about this extravagant gift, a friend of his said, "I thought she wanted one of those sporty four-wheel-drive vehicles."

"She did," he replied. "But where was I going to find a fake Jeep?"

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November 17, 2002

25 Signs That You are Grown Up:

  1.  Your potted plants are alive.  And you can't smoke any of them.

  2.  Having sex in a twin-sized bed is absurd.

  3.  You keep more food than beer in the fridge.

  4.  6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to sleep.

  5.  You hear your favorite song on an elevator.

  6.  You carry an umbrella cuz you watch the Weather Channel.

  7.  Your friends marry and divorce instead of hookup and breakup.

  8.  You go from 130 days of vacation time to 7.

  9.  Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as 'dressed up.'

  10.  You're the one calling the police because those darn kids next door don't know how to turn down the stereo.

  11.  Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.

  12.  You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.

  13.  Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.

  14.  You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's.

  15.  Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.

  16.  You no longer take naps from noon to 6 p.m.

  17.  Dinner and a movie - The whole date instead of the beginning of one.

  18.  Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 a.m. would severely upset, rather than settle, your stomach.

  19.  You go to the drugstore for Ibuprofen and antacids, not condoms and pregnancy test kits.

  20.  A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer 'pretty good stuff.'

  21.  You actually eat breakfast foods at breakfast time.

  22.  "I just can't drink the way I used to," replaces "I'm never going to drink that much again."

  23.  Over 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.

  24.  You don't drink at home to save money before going to a bar.

  25.  You read this entire list looking for one sign that doesn't apply to you.

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November 10, 2002

You live in California when...

1.You make over $250,000 and you still can't afford to buy a house.
2.The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.
3.You know how to eat an artichoke.
4.You drive to your neighborhood block party.
5.When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is.

You live in New York when...

1.You say "the city" and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan.
2.You have never been to the Statue of Liberty or the Empire State Building.
3.You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle
to Battery Park, but can't find Wisconsin on a map.
4.You think Central Park is "nature."
5.You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multi-lingual.
6.You've worn out a car horn.
7.You think eye contact is an act of aggression.

You live in the Deep South when...

1.You get a movie and bait in the same store.
2."ya'll" is singular and "all ya'll" is plural.
3.After five years you still hear, "You ain't from 'round here, are ya?"
4."He needed killin' " is a valid defense.
5.Everyone has 2 first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Mary Sue, and Betty Jean.

You live in the Pacific Northwest when...

1.You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.
2.You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home and he stops at the day care center.
3.The top of your head is bald, but you still have a ponytail.

You live in the Midwest when...

1.You've never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.
2.Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor.
3.You have had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the same day.
4.You end sentences with a preposition: "Where's my coat at?"
5.When asked how your trip was to any exotic place, you say, "It was different!"

You live in Florida when...

1.You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon.
2.All purchases include a coupon of some kind - even houses and cars.
3.Everyone can recommend an excellent dermatologist.
4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.
5. Cars in front of you are often driven by headless people.
6. There are only GIANT doctors in Florida (Every person's doctor is "The Biggest" in his field.)

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November 3, 2002
From the "Fun With Language" File

A good pun is its own reword.

 A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.

 Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.

 Practice safe eating - always use condiments.

 Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.

 A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.

 A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

 Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.

 Sea captains don't like crew cuts.

 Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

 Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.

 Reading while sunbathing makes you well-red.

 When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.

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October 20, 2002
Keeping in a baseball theme with the World Series in full swing

Baseball In Heaven 

The Devil floats up to see St. Pete and says, "Hey, let's have a baseball game - my people against your people." 

"Sure," replies St. Pete, "but I should warn you, I have all the Hall of Famers!"

 "Who cares?" says the Devil. "I have all the umpires!" 

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October 13, 2002
Given the exciting and outstanding day for the Anaheim Angels lets remember that baseball was part of God's plan after all Genesis opens...

In the Big Inning...

 

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September 29, 2002

From the Signs of the Times File

25 Signs That You Have Had Too Much of the New Century

1. You just tried to enter your password on the microwave.

2. You have a list of 15 phone #'s, to reach your family of three.

3. You call your son's beeper to let him know it's time to eat. He emails you back from his bedroom, "What's for dinner?"

4. Your daughter sells Girl Scout Cookies via her web site.

5. You chat several times a day with a stranger from South Africa, but you haven't spoken with your next door neighbor yet this year.

6. You check the ingredients on a can of chicken noodle soup to see if it contains Echinacea.

7. You check your blow-dryer to see if it's Windows compatible.

8. Your grandmother clogs up your e-mail inbox asking you to send her a JPEG file of your newborn so she can create a screen saver.

9. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone
is home.

10. Every commercial on television has a website address at the bottom of the screen.

11. You buy a computer and a week later it is out of date and now sells for half the price you paid.

12. The concept of using real money, instead of credit or debit, to make a purchase, is foreign to you.  At a garage sale you ask if they accept cash.

13. Cleaning up the dining room means getting the fast food bags out of the back seat of your car.

14. Your reason for not staying in touch with family is that they do not have e-mail addresses.

15. You consider second-day air delivery painfully slow.

16. Your dining room table is now your flat filing cabinet.

17. Your idea of being organized, is multicolored Post-It notes.

18. You hear most of your jokes via e-mail instead of in person.

19. You get an extra phone line so you can get phone calls.

20. You turn off your Modem and get this awful feeling, as if you just pulled the plug on a loved one.

21. You get up in morning and go online before getting your coffee.

22. You wake up at 4 AM, to go to the bathroom and check your e-mail on your way back to bed.

23. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. :)

24. You're reading this.

25. Even worse; you're going to forward it to someone else!

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September 22, 2002

With the school year 2002 being fully underway I thought it might be time to direct our thoughts to those who dedicated themselves to educating for our future.

And God Created Teacher

On the 6th day, God created men and women.  On the 7th day, he rested.  Not so much to recuperate, but rather to prepare himself for the work he was going to do on the next day.  For it was on that day-the 8th day-that God created the FIRST TEACHER.

 This TEACHER, though taken from among men and women, had several significant modifications.  In general, God made the TEACHER more durable than other men and women.

 The TEACHER was made to arise at a very early hour and to go to bed no earlier than 11:30p.m.-with no rest in between.

  The TEACHER had to be able to withstand being locked up in an air-tight classroom for six hours with thirty-five "monsters" on a rainy Monday.  And the TEACHER had to be fit to correct 103 term papers over Easter vacation.

 Yes, God made the TEACHER tough...but gentle too.

  The TEACHER was equipped with soft hands to wipe away the tears of the neglected and lonely student...of those of the sixteen year old girl who was not asked to the prom.

 And into the TEACHER God poured a generous amount of patience.

 Patience when a student asks to repeat the directions the TEACHER has just repeated for someone else.  Patience when the kids forget their lunch money or the fourth day in a row.  Patience when one-third of the class fails the test.   Patience when the text books haven't arrived yet, and the semester starts tomorrow.

 And God gave the TEACHER a heart slightly bigger than the average human heart.

 For the Teacher's heart had to be big enough to love the kid who screams, "I hate this class-it's boring!"  and to love the kid who runs out of the classroom at the end of the period without so much as a "goodbye", let alone a "thank you".

 And lastly, God gave the TEACHER an abundant supply of HOPE.

 For God knew that the TEACHER would always be hoping.  Hoping that the kids would someday learn how to spell...hoping not to have lunchroom duty...hoping that Friday would come...hoping for a free day....hoping for deliverance.

 When God finished creating the TEACHER, he stepped back and admired the work of his hands.  And God saw that the TEACHER was good.  Very Good!  And God smiled, for when he looked at the TEACHER, he saw into the future.  He knew that the future is in the hands of the TEACHERS.

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September 15, 2002

A journalist assigned to the Jerusalem bureau had an apartment overlooking the Western Wall. Every day when she looked out, she saw an old bearded Jewish man praying vigorously. Certain he would be a good interview subject, the journalist went to the Wall, and  introduced herself to the old man. She asked, "I see you everyday at the wall. Sir, how long have you done that and what are you praying for?" 

The old man replied, "I have come here to pray every day for 25 years. In the morning I pray for world peace and for the brotherhood of man. I go home have a cup of tea, and I come back and pray for the eradication of illness and disease from the earth. And very, very important, I pray for peace and understanding between the Israelis and Palestinians." 

The journalist was quite impressed. "How does it make you feel to come here every day for 25 years and pray for these wonderful things?" she asked. The old man replied, calmly, "Like I'm talking to a wall." 

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September 15, 2002

From the Signs of the Times File 
You know you are living in 2002 when...

1. You try to enter your password on the microwave.
2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.
4. You e-mail your buddy who works at the desk next to you.
5. You chat several times a day with a stranger from South America, but you haven't spoken to your next door neighbor yet this year.
6. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends is that they do not have e-mail addresses.
7. You hear most of your jokes via email instead of in person. 
8. When you go home after a long day at work you still answer the phone in a business manner.
9. When you make phone calls from home, you accidentally insert a "9" to get an outside line.
10.You've sat at the same desk for four years and worked for three different companies.
11.Your company's welcome sign is attached with Velcro.
12.You have your resume on a diskette.
13.Your biggest loss from a system crash was when you lost all of your best jokes.
14.Your supervisor doesn't have the ability to do your job.
15.Contractors outnumber permanent staff and are more likely to get long-service awards.
16.Board members salaries are higher than all the Third World countries annual budgets combined.
17.It's dark when you drive to and from work, even in the summer.
18.You know exactly how many days you've got left until you retire.
19.You see a good looking person and you know it must be a visitor.
20.Free food left over from meetings is your staple diet.
21.You're already late on the assignment you just got.
22.There's no money in the budget for the five permanent staff your department is short of, but they can afford four full-time management consultants advising your boss's boss on strategy.
23.Vacation time is something you roll over to next year.
24.Every week another brown collection envelope comes around because someone you DIDN'T EVEN KNOW WORKED THERE is leaving.
25.Your relatives and family describe your job as "works with computers."
26.The only reason you recognize your kids is because their pictures are on your desktop.

AND THE CLINCHERS ARE:
27.You read this entire list, and kept nodding and smiling.
28.As you read this list, you think about forwarding it to your "friends you send jokes to" e-mail group.
29.You got this email from a friend that never talks to you anymore, except to send you jokes from the net.

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September 1, 2002

Cell-dom do we offer such cell-ected humor enjoy.

Cell Phone Terminology 

Cell Phones and the populous: 

Cellibate: One who does not own or use a cell phone

Cellout: One who breaks down and buys a cell phone

Cellmudgeon: One who is chronically annoyed by cell phones and their users

Cellective: One who talks on the cell phone while performing multiple other tasks

Celfasured: One who is confident that his or her battery will not run out

More Cell Terms

Cell Block: Inability to access a dial tone.

Cell Pat: The amusement when a group of people desperately pat their cell phones when a single phone rings

Dead Ringer: the melody of a dead composer used in place of a traditional ring

Dialogus interruptus: a cell phone interrupting a live conversation

Bermuda cell-angle: a cell phone free zone where no coverage exists

On-Cell: A bargain price for the purchase of cell phone

Cellabration: A party exclusive for cell phone owners.

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While we averted a baseball strike this past week, 
we were prepared to
help the striking players.

August 25, 2002
This week we deal with more "pun-ishment"

1. A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two-tired.
2. What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway).
3. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
4. A backwards poet writes inverse.
5. In democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.
6. She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
7. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
8. If you don't pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
9. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
10. Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll show you A-flat minor.
11. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
12. The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
13. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
14. You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
15. Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
16. He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
17. Every calendar's days are numbered.
18. A lot of money is tainted. It taint yours and it taint mine.
19. A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
20. He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
21. A plateau is a high form of flattery.
22. The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
23. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
24. Once you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.
25. Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
26. When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.
27. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
28. Acupuncture is a jab well done.
29. Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.

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August 18, 2002
This week we have a few one liners to ponder

I live in my own little world. But it's ok... they know me here. 
 I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said, "Implants?" 
I don't do drugs anymore 'cause I find I get the same effect just standing up really fast. 
Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with. 
 If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal? 
I don't approve of political jokes... I've seen too many of them get  elected. 
I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life. 
Shopping tip: You can get shoes for about a buck at the bowling alley. 
If I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; then I must be perfect. 
I married my wife for her looks... but not the ones she's been giving me lately! 
Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've  stayed alive. 
Two peanuts were walking down the street. One was a salted. 
If carrots are so good for the eyes, why do I see so many dead rabbits on the highway? 
How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America? 
 Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled. 

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August 4, 2002
This Week's "Joke" Comes from Some 
Fun with English

A good pun is its own reword.

A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.

Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.

Practice safe eating - always use condiments.

Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.

A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.

Sea captains don't like crew cuts.

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.

Reading while sunbathing makes you well-red.

When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.

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July 28, 2002
The following is an example of Humor Aikido.  
It is humor where an "attack" is redirected.

A theologian and an astronomer were talking together one day. The
astronomer said that after reading widely in the field of religion,
he had concluded that all religion could be summed up in a single
phrase.

"Do unto others as you would have them do unto you," he said, with
a bit of smugness, knowing that his field is so much more complex.

After a brief pause, the theologian replied that after reading
widely in the area of astronomy he had concluded that all of it could
be summed up in a single phrase also.

"Oh, and what is that?" the astronaut inquired.

"Twinkle, twinkle, little star; how I wonder what you are!"

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July 22, 2002
I am sorry that there have not been any jokes or updates for a while. 
 I have had computer problems that blocked my web update access.

To Get us going here is some 
"Aging" Humor From Senior "Personal" Ads

Foxy Lady: Sexy, fashion-conscious blue-haired beauty, slim, 5-4 (used to be 5-6), searching for sharp-looking, sharp-dressing companion. Matching white shoes and belt a plus.

Serenity Now: I am into solitude, long walks, sunrises, the ocean, yoga and meditation. If you are the silent type, let's get together, take our hearing aids out and enjoy quiet times.

Beatles or Stones? I still like to rock, still like to cruise in my Camaro on Saturday nights and still like to play the air guitar. If you were a groovy chick, or are now a groovy hen, let's get together and listen to my boss collection of eight-track tapes. I can usually remember Monday through Thursday. If you can remember Friday, Saturday and Sunday, let's put our two heads together.

Mint Condition--Male, 1932, high mileage, good condition, some hair, many new parts including hip, knee, cornea, valves. Doesn't run but walks well.

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May 26, 2002

Computer Acronyms
I have been having more than my share of computer problems of late 
so here is some fun with computer language.


PCMCIA - People Can't Memorize Computer Industry Acronyms
PENTIUM - Produces Erroneous Numbers Through Incorrect Understanding of
Mathematics
WWW - World Wide Wait
COBOL - Completely Obsolete Business Oriented Language
CD-ROM - Consumer Device - Rendered Obsolete in Months
OS/2 - Obsolete Soon, Too.
MIPS - Meaningless Indication of Processor Speed
WINDOWS - Will Install Needless Data On Whole System
MICROSOFT - Most Intelligent Customers Realize Our Software Only Fools
Teenagers
LISP - Lots of Infuriating & Silly Parenthesis
RISC - Reduced Into Silly Code
SCSI - System Can't See It
DOS - Defunct Operating System
BASIC - Bill's Attempt to Seize Industry Control
IBM - I Blame Microsoft
DEC - Do Expect Cuts

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May 19, 2002

Thoughts about Exercising
From dear friend and colleague Patty W.

1. It is well documented that for every mile you jog, you add 1 minute to
your life.  This enables you at 95 years old...to spend an additional 5 months in
a nursing home at $5,000 per month.

2. My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60.
She's 97 now and we don't know where she is.

3. The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

4. I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Have NOT lost a pound. Apparently you have to show up.

5. I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing.

6. I don't exercise at all.  If God meant us to touch our toes, 
he would have put them further up our body.

7. I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

8. I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.

9. The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.

10. If you are going to try cross-county skiing, start with a small country.

11. I don't jog, it makes the ice jump right out of my glass.

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May 12, 2002

Happy Mother's Day

Please visit our Mother's Day Page

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May 5, 2002

Your Daily Moment of Zen

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either.

"JUST LEAVE ME ALONE !"

2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.

3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's paper, that's the time to do it.

4. Sex is like air. It's not important unless you aren't getting any.

5. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

6. No one is listening until you fart.

7. Always remember you are unique. Just like everyone else.

8. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

9. It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.

10. It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help.

11. If you think no one cares if you live or die, try missing a couple car payments

12. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes.

That way, when you do criticize them, you're a mile away...and you have their shoes.

13. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

14. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish  and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

15. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.

16. Don't squat with your spurs on.

17. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

18. If you drink, don't park; accidents cause people.

19. Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield.

20. Don't worry, it only seems kinky the first time.

21. Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

22. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and stick it in your back pocket.

23. Timing has an awful lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.

24. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

25. Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

26. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

27. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your mouth is moving.

28. Experience is something you don't get until just after you needed it.

29. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

30. We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.

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April  28, 2002

A theologian and an astronomer were talking together one day. The astronomer said that after reading widely in the field of religion, he had concluded that all religion could be summed up in a single phrase.

"Do unto others as you would have them do unto you," he said, with a bit of smugness, knowing that his field is so much more complex.

After a brief pause, the theologian replied that after reading widely in the area of astronomy he had concluded that all of it could be summed up in a single phrase also.

"Oh, and what is that?" the astronaut inquired.

"Twinkle, twinkle, little star; how I wonder what you are!"

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April  21, 2002

When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie
That's amore.

When an eel bites your hand and that's not what you planned
That's a moray.

When our habits are strange and our customs deranged
That's our mores.

When your horse munches straw and the bales total four
That's some more hay.

When Othello's poor wife, she gets stabbed with a knife
That's a Moor, eh?

When a Japanese knight used a sword in a fight
That's Sa...mur...ai.

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April  14, 2002

The boss of a small company called a spontaneous staff meeting in the middle of a particularly stressful week. When everyone gathered, the employer, who understood the benefits of having fun, told the burnt-out staff the purpose of the meeting was to have a quick contest, whose theme was "Viagra advertising slogans." Dividing into 10 groups of three, the only rule was they had to use past ad slogans that captured the essence of Viagra. 
  
About 7 minutes later, they turned in their suggestions, and created a "Top Ten List." After all the laughter and camaraderie, the rest of the week went very well for everyone. 
  

 10. Viagra, It's "Whaazzzzz Up!" 
  9. Viagra, The quicker pecker upper 
  8. Viagra, Like a rock! 
  7. Viagra, When it absolutely, positively has to be there tonight. 
  6. Viagra, Be all that you can be. 
  5. Viagra, Reach out and touch someone. 
  4. Viagra, Strong enough for a [woman], but made for a [man]. 
  3. Viagra, Tastes great!........More filling! 
  2. Viagra, We bring good things to life! 
  
  And the unanimous number one slogan: 
  
  1. This is your penis. This is your penis on drugs. Any questions? 

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March 24, 2002

Baseball In Heaven 
(In honor of the next week's opening of another Baseball season)

The Devil floats up to see St. Pete and says, 
"Hey, let's have a baseball game - my people against your people." 
"Sure," replies St. Pete, "but I should warn you, I have all the Hall of Famers!" 
"Who cares?" says the Devil. "I have all the umpires!"

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March 17, 2002

Check out our St. Patty's Day Page

 

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March 10, 2002
From friend Michael

Everything I Need to Know I Learned in Corporate America

1. Indecision is the key to flexibility.
2. You can't tell which way the train went by looking at the track.
3. There is absolutely no substitute for a genuine lack of preparation.
4. Happiness is merely the remission of pain.
5. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
6. Sometimes too much to drink is not enough.
7. The facts, although interesting, are irrelevant.
8. The careful application of terror is also a form of communication.
9. Someone who thinks logically is a nice contrast to the real world.
10. Things are more like they are today than they ever were before.
11. Anything worth fighting for is worth fighting dirty for.
12. Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler.
13. Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.
14. I have seen the truth and it makes no sense.
15. Suicide is the most sincere form of self-criticism.
16. If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.
17. All things being equal, fat people use more soap.
18. If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.
19. One seventh of your life is spent on Monday.
20. By the time you make ends meet, they move the ends.
21. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
22. The more you run over a dead cat, the flatter it gets.
23. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
24. This is as bad as it can get, but don't count on it.
25. Never wrestle a pig. You both get dirty and the pig likes it.
26. The trouble with life is, you're halfway through it before you realize
it's a do-it-yourself thing.
27. Youth and skill are no match for experience and treachery.
28. No amount of advance planning will ever replace dumb luck.
29. Anything you do can get you fired; this includes doing nothing.
30. Money can't buy happiness; it can, however, rent it.
31. Never pass a snow plow on the right.

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March 3, 2002
This week's joke came compliments of my friend and colleague Ed.

Having Stress in the office? 
Here's one way to get a "pick-me-up!"

The boss of a small company called a spontaneous staff meeting in the middle of a particularly stressful week. When everyone gathered, the employer, who understood the benefits of having fun, told the burnt-out staff the purpose of the meeting was to have a quick contest, whose theme was "Viagra advertising slogans." Dividing into 10 groups of three, the only rule was they had to use past ad slogans that captured the essence of Viagra. 
  
About 7 minutes later, they turned in their suggestions, and created a "Top Ten List." After all the laughter and camaraderie, the rest of the week went very well for everyone. 


 10. Viagra, It's "Whaazzzzz Up!" 
  9. Viagra, The quicker pecker upper 
  8. Viagra, Like a rock! 
  7. Viagra, When it absolutely, positively has to be there tonight. 
  6. Viagra, Be all that you can be. 
  5. Viagra, Reach out and touch someone. 
  4. Viagra, Strong enough for a [woman], but made for a [man]. 
  3. Viagra, Tastes great!........More filling! 
  2. Viagra, We bring good things to life! 
  
  And the unanimous number one slogan: 
  
  1. This is your penis. This is your penis on drugs. Any questions?
 

 

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February 24, 2002

Good News Bad News

A guy wakes up from an operation and the doctor tells him, "I've got good news and bad news for you". 

So the guy says, "OK, give me the bad news first" And the doctor  says, "We've made a mistake and cut off the wrong leg". 

After a while the guy pulls himself together and says, "So what's the good news?" 

The doctor replies, "We ran a second check and decided that the Amputation isn't needed after all".

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February 17, 2002

Women Drivers

I tell you, women drivers are a hazard to traffic. Driving to work this morning on the freeway, I looked over to my left and there was a woman in a Mustang doing 65 miles per hour with her face up next to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner! I looked away for a couple seconds and when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane. It scared me so bad I dropped my electric shaver in my coffee, and it spilled all over my cell phone!

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February 10, 2002

Let's Go Clubbing
Are you ready for the Following Clubs?

The Yoko Club? Oh no.
The German philosophy club?  I. Kant.
The Ford-Nixon club?  Pardon me?
The Alzheimer's club?  Forget it.
The Ebert movie club?  Roger.
The Groucho Marx club?  You bet your life.
The Peter Pan club?  Never. Never.
The Japanese theater club?  Noh.
The quarterback club?  I'll pass.
The Rhett Butler club?  Frankly, I don't give a...
The compulsive rhymers club? Okey-dokey.
The Spanish optometrists club? Si.
The pregnancy club? Conceivably.
The Procrastinator's Club? Maybe, next week...
The Self Esteem Builders? They wouldn't accept me, anyway.
The Agoraphobics Society? Only if they meet at my house.
The Co-Dependence Club? Can I bring a friend?
The Prayer Group? Lord willing!

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February 3, 2002

Welcome to Never, Never, Ever....


"I will NOT get bad luck, lose my friends, or lose my mailing lists if I DON'T forward an email! 

I will NOT hear any music or see a taco dog, if I DO forward an e-mail. 

Bill Gates is NOT going to send me money

Victoria Secret doesn't know anything about a gift certificate they're supposed to send me, 

Ford will not give me a 50% discount even if I forward my e-mail to more than 50 people! 

I will NEVER receive gift certificates, coupons, or freebies from Coca Cola, Cracker Barrel, Old Navy, or anyone else if I send an e-mail to 10 people. 

I will NEVER see a pop-up window if I forward an e-mail ... EVER!! 

My phone will not MYSTERIOUSLY! ring after I forward an e-mail. 

There is NO SUCH THING as an e-mail tracking program, and I am not STUPID enough to think that someone will send me $100 for forwarding an e-mail to 10 or more people! 

There is no kid with cancer through the Make-a-Wish program in England collecting anything! He did when he was 7 years old. He is now cancer free and 35 years old and DOESN'T WANT ANY MORE POST CARDS, CALLING CARDS, or GET-WELL CARDS. 

The government does not have a bill in Congress called 901B (or whatever they named it this week) that, if passed, will enable them to charge us 5 cents for every e-mail we send. 

There will be NO cool dancing, singing, waving, colorful flowers, characters, or program that I will receive immediately after I forward an e-mail. 

The American Red Cross will NOT donate 50 cents to a certain individual dying of some never-heard-of disease for every e-mail address I send this to. The American Red Cross RECEIVES donation! 

Finally, and most important !, I WILL NOT let others "guilt" me into sending things by telling me I am not their friend or that I will be irreparably harmed by failing to pas on an email to everyone I know. 

Remember everything I have told you MUST BE TRUE because you read it on the Internet!!!!!

Now, repeat this to yourself until you have it memorized, and send it along to at least 10 of your friends before the next full moon or you will surely be constipated for the next three months and all of your hair will fall out!!!  I know it happened to me!!

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January 19, 2002

It is a new year and will be filled with Internet Fun.  
Be sure you are prepared for the onslaught of Internet opportunities :)

I was on my way to the Post Office to pick up my case of free M&M's (sent to me because I forwarded an e-mail to five other people, celebrating the fact that the year 2000 is "MM" in Roman numerals), when I ran into a friend whose neighbor, a young man, was home recovering from having been served a rat in his bucket of Kentucky Fried Chicken (which is predictable, since as everyone knows, there's no actual chicken in Kentucky Fried Chicken, which is why the government made them change their name to KFC). 

Anyway, one day this guy went to sleep and when he awoke he was in his bathtub and it was full of ice and he was sore all over and when he got out of the tub he realized that HIS KIDNEY HAD BEEN STOLEN. He saw a note on his mirror that said "Call 911!" but he was afraid to use his phone because it was connected to his computer, and there was a virus on his computer that would destroy his hard drive if he opened an e-mail entitled "Join the crew!" He knew it wasn't a hoax because he himself was a computer programmer who was working on software to prevent a global disaster in which all the computers get together and distribute the $250 Neiman-Marcus cookie recipe under the leadership of Bill Gates. (It's true! I read it all last week in a mass e-mail from BILL GATES HIMSELF, who was also promising me a free Disney World vacation and $5,000 if I would forward the e-mail to everyone I know.) 

The poor man then tried to call 911 from a pay phone to report his missing kidneys, but a voice on the line first asked him to press #90, which unwittingly gave the bandit full access to the phone line at the guy's expense. Then reaching into the coin-return slot he got jabbed with an HIV-infected needle around which was wrapped a note that said, "Welcome to the world of AIDS." Luckily he was only a few blocks from the hospital -- the one where that little boy who is dying of cancer is, the one whose last wish is for everyone in the world to send him an e-mail and the American Cancer Society has agreed to pay him a nickel for every e-mail he receives. I sent him two e-mails and one of them was a bunch of x's and o's in the shape of an angel (if you get it and forward it to more than 10 people, you will have good luck but for only 10 people you will only have OK luck and if you send it to fewer than 10 people you will have BAD LUCK FOR SEVEN YEARS). So anyway the poor guy tried to drive himself to the hospital, but on the way he noticed another car driving without its lights on. To be helpful, he flashed his lights at him and was promptly shot as part of a gang initiation. 

Send this to all the friends who send you their mail and you will receive four green M&Ms-if you don't, the owner of Procter & Gamble will report you to his Satanist friends and you will have more bad luck: you will get sick from the sodium laureate sulfate in your shampoo, your spouse will develop a skin rash from using the antiperspirant which clogs the pores under your arms, and the U.S. government will put a tax on your e-mails forever. I know this is all true because I read it on the Internet. 

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Steven M. Sultanoff, Ph.D.
Mirthologist and Clinical Psychologist
3972 Barranca Pkwy. Suite J-221
Irvine, CA 92606
714-665-8801