“My belief is that we are going to eventually discover that the most dramatic health
benefits of humor are not in laughter, but in the cognitive and emotional management
that humorous experiences provide. The experience of humor relieves emotional
distress and assists in changing negative thinking patterns.”
Steven M. Sultanoff, Ph.D.

HumorMatterstm
Joke of the Week 2004

Click here:   for Joke of the Week in past years.

November 7, 2004

Here is our annual post election chicken jokes.
Enjoy

 WHY THE CHICKEN CROSSED THE ROAD


GEORGE W BUSH
We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.

COLIN POWELL
Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.

HANS BLIX
We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.

JOHN KERRY
Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it!

RALPH NADER
The chicken's habitat on the other side of the road had been polluted by unchecked industrial greed. The chicken did not reach the unspoiled habitat on the other side of the road because it was crushed by the wheels of a gas-guzzling SUV.

PAT BUCHANAN
To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.

RUSH LIMBAUGH
I don't know why the chicken crossed the road, but I'll bet it was getting a government grant to cross the road, and I'll bet that somebody out there is already forming a support group to help chickens with crossing-the-road syndrome. Can you believe this?!? How much more of this can real Americans take? Chickens crossing the road paid for by their tax dollars. And when I say tax dollars, I'm talking about your money, money the government took from you to build a road for chickens to cross.

MARTHA STEWART
No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.

DR SEUSS
Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY
To die in the rain. Alone.

MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR
I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.

GRANDPA
In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.

BARBARA WALTERS
Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heartwarming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its life long dream of crossing the road.

JOHN LENNON
Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together - in peace.

ARISTOTLE
It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

KARL MARX
It was an historic inevitability.

RONALD REAGAN
What chicken?

CAPTAIN KIRK
To boldly go where no chicken has ever gone before.

SIGMUND FREUD
The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.

BILL GATES
I have just witnessed eChicken2003, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook. Internet explorer is an integral part of eChicken.

ALBERT EINSTEIN
Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?

BILL CLINTON
I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What is your definition of chicken?

AL GORE
I invented the chicken!

THE BIBLE
And God came down from heaven, and he said unto the chicken THOU SHALT CROSS THE ROAD. And the chicken didst cross the road, and there was much rejoicing.

COLONEL SANDERS
Did I miss one?

 

October 31, 2004

Happy Halloween

Click on the Ghost for Halloween Humor

September 6, 2004

For Labor Day We have a Few Business Signs and A Few Chuckles
For more Labor Day Humor click here

On a Septic Tank Truck sign:
"We're #1 in the #2 business."
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Sign over a Gynecologist's Office:
"Dr. Jones, at your cervix."
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At a Proctologist's door
"To expedite your visit please back in."
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On a Plumber's truck:
"We repair what your husband fixed."
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On a Plumber's truck:
"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."
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Pizza Shop Slogan:
"7 days without pizza makes one weak."
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At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee:
"Invite us to your next blowout."
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On a Plastic Surgeon's Office door:
"Hello. Can we pick your nose?"
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At a Towing company:
"We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."
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On an Electrician's truck:
"Let us remove your shorts."
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In a Nonsmoking Area:
"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."
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On a Maternity Room door:
"Push. Push. Push."
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At an Optometrist's Office
"If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."
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On a Taxidermist's window:
"We really know our stuff."
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In a Podiatrist's office:
"Time wounds all heels."
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On a Fence:
"Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive."
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At a Car Dealership:
"The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."
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Outside a Muffler Shop:
"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."
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In a Veterinarian's waiting room:
"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
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At the Electric Company:
"We would be delighted if you send in your payment.
However, if you don't, you will be."
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In a Restaurant window:
"Don't stand there and be hungry, Come on in and get fed up."
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In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
"Drive carefully. We'll wait.."
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At a Propane Filling Station,
"Tank heaven for little grills."
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And don't forget the sign at a Chicago Radiator Shop:
"Best place in town to take a leak."
 

August 8, 2004

News Release - Teacher Arrested:

At New York's Kennedy airport today, an individual later discovered to be a public school teacher was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a set square, a slide rule, and a calculator.

At a morning press conference, Attorney general John Ashcroft said he believes the man is a member of the notorious al-gebra movement. He is being charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.

"Al-gebra is a fearsome cult," Ashcroft said. "They desire average solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in a search of absolute value. They use secret code names like 'x' and 'y' and refer to themselves as 'unknowns', but we have determined they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, 'there are 3 sides to every triangle'."

When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes."

August 1, 2004

From the Washington Post Style Invitation, in which it was postulated that English should have male and female nouns and readers were asked to assign a gender to a noun of their choice and explain their reason.

The best submissions:

ZIPLOC BAGS - male, because they hold everything in, but you can always see right through them.

SWISS ARMY KNIFE - male, because even though it appears useful for a wide variety of work, it spends most of its time just opening bottles.

KIDNEYS - female, because they always go to the bathroom in pairs.

SHOE - male, because it is usually unpolished, with its tongue hanging out.

COPIER - female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm up. Because it is an effective reproductive device when the right buttons are pushed. Because it can wreak havoc when the wrong buttons are pushed.

TIRE - male, because it goes bald and often is over inflated.

HOT AIR BALLOON - male, because to get it to go anywhere you have to light a fire under it...  and, of course, there's the hot air part.

SPONGES - female, because they are soft and squeezable and retain water.

WEB PAGE - female, because it is always getting hit on.

SUBWAY - male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.

HOURGLASS - female, because over time the weight shifts to the bottom.

HAMMER - male, because it hasn't evolved much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around.

REMOTE CONTROL - female...  Ha!  You thought I'd say male. But consider, it gives man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying.

 

Happy 4th of July

 

June 26, 2004

Have we gone crazy with the low-carb Diets???
Consider the following "low-carb" option from one of my favorite local restaurants

New: 
Low-Carb "Really" BIG Egg Breakfast

3 Eggs served with 3 strips of bacon, 3 sausages, and 2 slices of ham. Served with choice of cottage cheese or tomato slices instead of spuds and toast

(and with this breakfast low-carb and all they expect us to lose weight????)

 

May 30, 2004
In the spirit of the the summer approaching and millions will begin their annual weight loss endeavors:

A Dieter's Prayer

Lord, My soul is ripped with riot
incited by my wicked diet.
"We Are What We Eat," said a wise old man!
and, Lord, if that's true, I'm a garbage can.

I want to rise on Judgment Day, that's plain!
but at my present weight, I'll need a crane.
So grant me strength, that I may not fall
into the clutches of cholesterol.

May my flesh with carrot-curls be dated,
that my soul may be poly unsaturated
And show me the light, that I may bear witness
to the President's Council on Physical Fitness.

And at margarine I'll never mutter,
for the road to Hell is spread with butter.
And cream is cursed; and cake is awful;
and Satan is hiding in every waffle.

Mephistopheles lurks in provolone;
the Devil is in each slice of baloney,
Beelzebub is a chocolate drop,
and Lucifer is a lollipop.

Give me this day my daily slice
but, cut it thin and toast it twice.
I beg upon my dimpled knees,
deliver me from jujubees.

And when my days of trial are done,
and my war with malted milk is won,
Let me stand with Heavenly throng,
In a shining robe--size 30 long.

I can do it Lord, If You'll show to me,
the virtues of lettuce and celery.
If You'll teach me the evil of mayonnaise,
of pasta a la Milannaise
potatoes a la Lyonnaise
and crisp-fried chicken from the South.

Lord, if you love me, shut my mouth.

 

May 23, 2004

Subject: From the British Newspapers
  
 Commenting on a complaint from a Mr Arthur Purdey about a large gas bill, a spokesman for North Westgas said, "We agree it was rather high for the time of year. It's possible Mr Purdey has been charged for the gas used up during the explosion that destroyed his house." (The DailyTelegraph)
 
 Police reveal that a woman arrested for shoplifting had a whole salami in her knickers. When asked why, she said it was because she was missing her Italian boyfriend. (The Manchester Evening News)
 
 Irish police are being handicapped in a search for a stolen van because they cannot issue a description. It's a Special Branch vehicle and they don't want the public to know what it looks like. (The Guardian)
 
 A young girl who was blown out to sea on a set of inflatable teeth was rescued by a man on an inflatable lobster. A coastguard spokesman commented, "This sort of thing is all too common". (The Times)
 
 At the height of the gale, the harbourmaster radioed a coastguard on the spot and asked him to estimate the windspeed. He replied he was sorry, but he didn't have a guage. However, if it was any help, the wind had just blown his Land Rover off the cliff. (Aberdeen Evening Express)

 

 

May 16, 2004

The Health Note of the Day

Chocolate is derived from cocoa beans. 

Beans = vegetable.

Sugar is derived from either sugar cane or sugar BEETS. Both of them are plants, in the vegetable category. 

Thus, chocolate is a vegetable.

To go one step further, chocolate candy bars also contain milk, which is dairy. 

So, candy bars are a health food.

 Chocolate-covered raisins, cherries, orange slices and strawberries all count as fruit, so eat as many as you want.  

Remember:

"STRESSED"spelled backward is "DESSERTS"

 Send this to four people and you will lose 2 pounds.

 Send this to all the people you know (or ever knew), and you will lose 10 pounds.

 If you delete this message, you will gain 10 pounds immediately.

That's why I had to pass this on - - - I didn't want to risk it.

 

May 9, 2004

If you're playing a poker game and you look around the table and can't tell who the sucker is-----it's you.

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

I asked Mom if I was a gifted child...she said they certainly wouldn't have paid for me.

Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?

According to a recent survey, men say the first thing they notice about women is their eyes. And women say the first thing they notice about men is they're a bunch of liars.

Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut save you thirty cents?

In the 60's people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take prozac to make it normal.

Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a barbecue?

Doctors can be frustrating. You wait a month-and-a-half for an appointment, and he says, "I wish you'd come to me sooner."

 You read about all these terrorists; most of them came here legally but they hang around on expired visas, some for as long as 10-15 years. Now, compare that to Blockbuster: you are two days late with a video and these people are all over you. Let's put Blockbuster in charge of immigration.
 

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