Joke of the Week 1999
Joke of the Mid-Week for April 15, 1999
Our final joke of the taxing season
This Joke is borrowed from Joke of the Day.com
WHAT A TAX RETURN!
Submitted by Don Ferris
There was a man who computed his taxes for 1998 and
discovered that he owed $3407. He packaged up his
payment and included this letter:
Enclosed is my 1998 Tax Return & payment. Please take note of
the attached article from the USA Today newspaper. In the
article, you will see that the Pentagon is paying $171.50
for hammers and NASA has paid $600.00 for a toilet seat.
Please find enclosed four toilet seats (value $2400) and
six hammers (value $1029). This brings my total payment to
$3429.00. Please note the overpayment of $22.00 and apply
it to the "Presidential Election Fund," as noted on my return.
Might I suggest you the send the above mentioned fund a "1.5
inch screw." (See attached article...HUD paid $22.00 for a
1.5 inch Phillips Head Screw.)
It has been a pleasure to pay my tax bill this year, and I
look forward to paying it again next year.
A satisfied taxpayer
For the week of April 11, 1999
(This week we we have our final pre-tax time entry : o (
This letter may someday end up in the Fact or Fiction Fileas I am not sure as to its authenticity. However, it is fun in the telling.
("This is a real letter submitted to the IRS in the midst of 1994's weird and bizarre denial of dependents and credits. The letter speaks for itself.")
I am responding to your letter denying the deduction of two of the three dependents I claimed on my 1993 Federal Tax return. THANK YOU! For years, I have questioned whether these are my children or not. They are evil and expensive. It's only fair, since they are minors and not my responsibility, that the government (who evidently is taxing me more to take care of these waifs) knows something about them and what to expect over the next year. You may apply next year to reassign them back to me and reinstate the deduction, but this year, they are yours!
The oldest, Kristen, is now 17. She is brilliant. Ask her! I suggest you put her to work in your office where she can answer people's questions about their returns. While she has no formal training, it has not seemed to hamper her knowledge on any other subject you can name. Taxes should be a breeze. Next year, she is going to college. I think it is wonderful that you will now be responsible for that little expense. While you mull that over, keep in mind that she has a truck. It doesn't run at the moment, so you have the immediate decision of appropriating some Department of Defense funds to fix the vehicle, or getting up early to drive her to school. Kristen also has a boyfriend. Oh joy. While she possesses all of the wisdom of the universe, her alleged mother and I have felt it best to occasionally remind her of the virtues of abstinence and, in the face of overwhelming passion, safe sex. This is always uncomfortable and I am quite relieved you will be handling this in the future. May I suggest that you reinstate Joycelyn Elder, who had a rather good handle on the problem.
Patrick is 14. I've had my suspicions about this one. His eyes are a little close together for normal people. He may be a tax examiner himself one day, if you do not incarcerate him first. In February, was awakened at three in the morning by a police officer who was bringing Pat home. He and his friends were TP'-ing houses. In the future, would you like him delivered to the local IRS office, or to Ogden, Utah? Kids at 14 will do almost anything on a dare. His hair is purple. Permanent dye, temporary dye, what's the big deal? Learn to live with it. You'll have plenty of time as he is sitting out a few days of school after instigating a food fight. I'll take care of filing your phone number with the Vice Principal. Oh yes, he and all of his friends have raging hormones. This is the house of testosterone and it will be much more peaceful when he lives in your home. DO NOT leave any of them unsupervised with girls, explosives, inflammables, inflatables, vehicles, or telephones. (I'm sure that you'll find telephones a source of unimaginable amusement, and be sure to lock out the 900 and 976 numbers!)
Heather is an alien. She slid through a time warp and appeared quite by magic one year. I'm sure this one is yours. She is 10 - going on 21. She came from a bad trip in the sixties. She wears tie-dyed clothes, beads, sandals, and hair that looks like Tiny Tim's. Fortunately, you will be raising my taxes to help offset the pinch of her remedial reading courses. Hooked on Phonics is expensive, so the schools dropped it. Good news! You can buy it yourself for half the amount of the deduction you are denying! It's quite obvious that we were terrible parents (ask the other two), so they have helped raise this one to a new level of terror. She cannot speak English. Most people under 20 understand the curious patois she fashioned out of valley girls/boys in the hood/reggae/political doublespeak. I don't. The school sends her to a speech pathologist who has her roll her R's. It has added a refreshing Mexican/Irish touch to her voice. She wears hats backwards, pants baggy, and wants one of her ears pierced four more times. There is a fascination with tattoos that worries me, but I'm sure you can handle it. Bring a truck when you come to get her. She sort of 'nests' in her room and I think that it would be easier to move the entire thing and find out what it is really made of.
You denied two of the three exemptions, so it is only fair that you get to pick which two you'll take. I prefer that you take the youngest. That way I'll still go bankrupt with Kristen's college, but then I'm free! If you take the two oldest, then I still have time for counseling before Heather becomes a teenager. If you take the two girls, then I won't feel so bad about putting Patrick in a military academy. Please let me know of your decision as soon as possible, since I have already increased the withholding on my W-4 to cover the $395 in additional tax and make a down payment on an airplane.
For the week of April 4, 1999
(This week we continue to pick on accountants during this taxing time of the year :o(
A mathematician, a statistician and an accountant apply for the same job. The interviewer calls in the mathematician and asks "What does two plus two equal?" The mathematician replies "Four." The interviewer asks "Four, exactly?" The mathematician looks at the interviewer incredulously and says "Yes, four, exactly."
Then the interviewer calls in the statistician and asks the same question "What does two plus two equal?" The statistician says "On average, four - give or take ten percent, but on average, four."
Then the interviewer calls in the accountant and poses the same question "What does two plus two equal?" The accountant gets up, locks the door, closes the shade, sits down next to the interviewer and says "What do you want it to equal?"
For the week of March 28, 1999
For the next few weeks we will turn our humorous attention to poking fun at accountants, taxes, and the IRS.
submitted by Andrew Deazeley
What's the definition of an accountant?
Someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had in a way
you don't understand.
How do you know you've met a good tax accountant?
He has a loophole named after him.
What does an accountant Do for birth control?
He talks about his business.
What's an extroverted accountant?
One who looks at your shoes while he's talking to you instead of his own.
What's an insolvency practitioner?
Someone who arrives after the battle and bayonets all the wounded.
Why did the auditor cross the road?
Because he looked in the file and that's what they did last year.
There are three kinds of accountants in the world.
Those who can count and those who can't.
How do you drive an accountant completely insane?
Tie him to a chair, stand in front of him and fold up a road
map the wrong way.
What do accountants suffer from that ordinary people don't?
An accountant is someone who knows the cost of everything
and the value of nothing.
For the week of March 21, 1999
Well it had to happen sometime. I have refrained from using blonde jokes so as not to offend. However, my collection has grown and this one was too cute not to share with you. For those of you who take offense, I hope you can appreciate the spirit of the joke.
The Blonde and the Final Exam
The blonde reported for her University final examination which consisted of "yes/no" type questions. She took her seat in the examination hall, stared at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration took out her purse, removed a coin, and started tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet - Yes for Heads and No for Tails. Within half an hour she had completed the exam while the rest of the class was feverishly continuing to work. During the last few minutes, she desperately began throwing the coin, swearing, and sweating. The instructor, alarmed, approached her and asked if there was a problem. "I finished the exam in half an hour," she replied, "Now, I am rechecking my answers."
For the week of March 14, 1999This week, from my humor pal Patty, comes the first installment of Tom Swifties. (For those of you who do not know the reference Tom Swift is the character in a series of kids books. Tom is a boy inventor.)1) "I can't believe I ate that whole pineapple!" Tom said, Dolefully.2) "That's the last time I'll ever pet a lion," Tom said, offhandedly.3) "I'll never sleep on the railroad tracks again!" Tom said, beside himself.4) "That's the third electric shock I've gotten this week!" Tom said, revolted.5) "I'm never anywhere on time," Tom related.6) "I won't let a flat tire get me down," Tom said, without despair.7) "That car you sold me has defective steering!" Tom said, straightforwardly.8) "I've been on a diet," Tom expounded.9) "I'll have to send that telegram again," Tom said, remorsefully.10) "I keep banging my head on things," Tom said, bashfully.11) "Look at that jailbird climb down that wall," Tom observed with condescension.12) "I remember the midwest being flatter than this," Tom explained.13) "That's the third time my teacher changed my grade," Tom remarked.14) "I'll have to dig another ditch around that castle," Tom sighed, remotely.15) "I've lived through a lot of windstorms," Tom regaled.17) "I haven't caught a fish all day!" Tom said, without debate.18) "That mink coat is on wrong side out," Tom inferred.
For the week of March 7, 1999
As you are reading this week's joke on the internet, you may be reminded how easily this wonderful technology can be used, misused, and bemused intentionally or unintentionally and sometimes with serious consequences.
Consider the case of the Illinois man who left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail. Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it from memory. Unfortunately, he missed one letter, and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife, whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor in a dead faint. At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen: Dearest Wife, Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Signed, Your eternally loving husband. PS. Sure is hot down here.
For the week of February 28, 1999
A traveling salesman stopped alongside a field on a country road to rest for a few minutes. The man had just closed his eyes when a horse came to the fence and began to boast about his past. "Yes sir, I'm a fine horse. I've run in 25 races and won over $5 million dollars. I keep my trophies in the barn." The salesman computed the value of having a talking horse, found the horse's owner and offered a handsome sum for the animal. "Aw, you don't want that horse," said the farmer. "Yes I do," insisted the salesman, "I'll pay you $100,000 for the horse." Recognizing a good deal, the farmer said without hesitation, "He's yours." While he wrote out his check, the salesman asked, "By the way, why wouldn't I want your horse?" "Because," replied the farmer, "he's a liar - he hasn't won a race in his life."
For the week of February 21, 1999
Sad Newas from the Cuklinary World
Fresh from the Oven:
PILLSBURY DOUGHBOY DEAD AT 71.
Veteran Pillsbury spokesman Pop N. Fresh died yesterday of a severe yeast infection. He was 71. Fresh was buried in one of the largest funeral ceremonies in recent years. Dozens of celebrities turned out including Mrs. Butterworth, the California Raisins, Hungry Jack, Betty Crocker, and the Hostess Twinkies. The graveside was piled high with flours as longtime friend Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy, describing Fresh as a man who "never knew how much he was kneaded." Fresh rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with many turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Still, even as a crusty old man, he was a roll model for millions. Fresh is survived by his second wife. They have two children and one in the oven. The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes
For the week of February 14, 1999
A joke from a religious perspective
A minister is stopped for speeding on the highway. The state trooper smells alcohol on his breath, sees an empty wine bottle on the floor, and says: "Sir, have you been drinking?"
The minister replies, "Just water."
The trooper questions, "Then why do I smell wine?"
With that the minister looks down at the bottle and exclaims, "Good Lord, He's done it again!"
For the week of February 7, 1999
A man arrives at his seat on an airplane, and is surprised to find a parrot strapped into the seat next to him. Once in the air, the flight attendant offers the man coffee and suddenly before she has the opportunity to serve the coffee, the parrot squawks: "Get me a whisky now, you cow". The flight attendant, somewhat flustered rushes to bring a whisky for the parrot, but forgets the coffee. When the man points this out to her, the parrot immediately drains its glass and yells "and get me another whisky you idiot!" Quite upset, the flight attendant shaking returns shortly with a whisky for the parrot, but still no coffee. Unaccustomed to such slackness, the man decides to try the parrot's approach: "I've asked you twice for coffee, cow, now go and get it or I'll give you a slap!" Moments later several flight attendants grab both him and the parrot, take them to the emergency exit and throw them out. As they are ejected from the plane, the parrot turns to the man and says "You know, for someone who can't fly, you've sure got an attitude!"
For the week of January 31, 1999
Well it is Super Bowl time and the end of January, 1999. It is time to evaluate all thoise New Year's resolutions.
Resolutions for 1999
Do my taxes......for 1991.
Continue to help O.J. find the real killer.
Never send e-mail while I'm drinking, especially since those guys at the Pentagon seem to have no sense of humor.
I have been doing a lot of reading about the hazards of chocolate.
For my New Year's resolution, I am quitting it totally. 100%. Completely.
That's right, starting next week absolutely no more reading!
Lose another 20 pounds (how many 20 pounds have I lost over the years?)
A Look Back at Past Resolutions-A Retro-Perspective
Resoluition #1 Increase My Knowledge adn Understanding
1993: I will read at least 20 good books a year.
1994: I will read at least 10 books a year.
1995: I will read 5 books a year.
1996: I will finish The Pelican Brief
1997: I will read some articles in the newspaper this year.
1998: I will read at least one article this year.
1999: I will try and finish the comics section this year.
Resoluition #2 Weight Loss
1993: I will get my weight down below 180.
1994: I will watch my calories until I get below 190.
1995: I will follow my new diet religiously until I get below 200.
1996: I will try to develop a realistic attitude about my weight.
1997: I will work out 5 days a week.
1998: I will work out 3 days a week.
1999: I will try to drive past a gym at least once a week.
Resoluition #3 Fiscal Responsibility
1993: I will not spend my money frivolously.
1994: I will pay off my bank loan promptly.
1995: I will pay off my bank loans promptly.
1996: I will begin making a strong effort to be out of debt by 1999.
1997: I will be totally out of debt by 2000.
1998: I will try to pay off the debt interest by 2000.
1999: I will try to be out of the country by 2000.
For the week of January 24, 1999
An elderly husband and wife were having difficulty remembering things, so they decided to go to their doctor for help. They explained the difficulty to the doctor, and after a complete examination, the doctor reported that they were physically fine. The doctor suggested that they start writing things down and make notes to help them remember things. The couple thanked the doctor and left.
Later that night while watching TV, the man got up from his chair and his wife asked, "Where are you going?" He replied, "To the kitchen. Would you like something?"
"Yes," She responded, "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"
"Sure." he said.
She then asked, "Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?"
He replied, "No, I can remember that."
She then said, "Well I also would like some strawberries on top. You had better write that down cause I know you'll forget that."
He retorted, "I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."
She replied, "Well I also would like whip cream on top. I know you will forget that so you better write it down."
With irritation in his voice, he said, "I don't need to write that down I can remember that." He then stomped moodily off to the kitchen. After about 20 minutes he returned from the kitchen and gave her a plate of bacon & eggs.
She stared at the plate for a moment and complained, "You forgot my toast."
For the week of January 17, 1999
An elderly couple, after being married for almost 60 years, died in a car crash. They had been in good health the last ten years, mainly due to her interest in health food and exercising. When they reached the Pearly Gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion, which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen, master bath suite and a Jacuzzi. As they looked around, the old man asked St. Peter how much all this was going to cost. "It's free," St. Peter replied, "this is Heaven." Next, they went out in the back yard to survey the championship-style golf course that the home was located. They would have golfing privileges every day and each week, the course changed to a new one representing the great golf courses on earth. The old man asked, "What are the green fees?" St. Peter replied, "This is heaven, you play for free." Next, they went to the club house and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisine of the World laid out. "How much to eat?" asked the old man. "Don't you understand yet? This is heaven, it is free!" St. Peter replied, with some exasperation. "Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol tables?" the old man asked timidly. St. Peter lectured, "That's the best part - you can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick. This is Heaven." With that, the old man went into a fit of anger, throwing down his hat and stomping on it, and screaming wildly. St. Peter and his wife both tried to calm him down, asking him what was wrong. The old man looked at his wife and said, "This is all your fault! If it weren't for your blasted bran muffins, I could have been here ten years ago!"
For the week of January 10, 1999
It is a time of resolutions. I made one resolution many years ago and I have stuck to it. I resolved to no longer make resolutions. The following are some alternative affirmations for a new year.
At the end of one year and the start of another, many of us will renew our commitment to living with daily affirmations. I know the power of affirming my truth, over and over, everyday! While these may not suit everyone's taste, here are some "possible" affirmations to consider!
1. As I let go of my feelings of guilt, I am in touch with my inner sociopath.
2. I have the power to channel my imagination into ever-soaring levels of suspicion and paranoia.
3. I assume full responsibility for my actions, except the ones that are someone else's fault.
4. In some cultures what I do would be considered normal.
5. My intuition nearly makes up for my lack of wisdom and judgment.
6. I need not suffer in silence while I can still moan, whimper, and complain.
7. When someone hurts me, I know that forgiveness is cheaper than a lawsuit, but not nearly as rewarding.
8. I am at one with my duality.
9. Blessed are the flexible, for they can tie themselves in knots.
10. I will strive to live each day as if it were my 50th birthday.
11. I honor and express all facets of my being, regardless of state and local laws.
12. Today I will gladly share my experience and advice, for there are no sweeter words than "I told you so!"
13. A scapegoat is almost as good as a solution.
14. Just for today, I will not sit in my living room all day in my underwear. Instead, I will move my computer into the bedroom.
15. I will no longer waste my time reliving the past; I will spend it worrying about the future?
16. The complete lack of evidence is the surest proof that the conspiracy is working.
17. Before I criticize a man, I walk a mile in his shoes. That way, if he gets angry, he's a mile away and barefoot.
For the week of January 1, 1999
The following was shared by surfer Cathy W.
'Twas the month after Christmas, and all through the house,
Nothing would fit me, not even a blouse.
The cookies I'd nibbled, the eggnog I'd taste,
At the holiday parties had gone to my waist.
When I got on the scales there arose such a number!
When I walked to the store (less a walk than a lumber).
I'd remember the marvelous meals I'd prepared,
The gravies and sauces and beef nicely rared.
The wine and the rum balls, the bread and the cheese,
And the way I'd never said, "No thank you, please."
As I dressed myself in my husband's old shirt,
And prepared once again to do battle with dirt.
I said to myself, as I only can,
"You can't spend a winter disguised as a man!"
So--away with the last of the sour cream dip,
Get rid of the fruit cake, every cracker and chip.
Every last bit of food that I like must be banished,
'Till all the additional ounces have vanished.
I won't have a cookie--not even a lick,
I'll want only to chew on a long celery stick.
I won't have hot biscuits, or corn bread, or pie,
I'll munch on a carrot and quietly cry.
I'm hungry, I'm lonesome, and life is a bore,
But isn't that what January is for?
Unable to giggle, no longer a riot,
Happy New Year to all and to all a good diet!
For 1999 Joke of hte Week January-April 15
For 1998 Joke of the Week January-June