amconfus.wmf (1494 bytes) Humor dedicated to the use and misuse of language.amconfus.wmf (1494 bytes)


Why is it??

Rules for Better Writing

We begin with some mis-translations from another language to English

Some English signs seen in Non-English Speaking Countries:

In a Tokyo Hotel: Is forbitten to steal hotel towels please. If you  are  not person to do such thing is please not to read notis.  

In another Japanese hotel room: Please to bathe inside the tub.  

In a Bucharest hotel lobby: The lift is being fixed for the next day.  During that time we regret that you will be unbearable.   
In a Leipzig elevator: Do not enter the lift backwards, and only when  lit   up.  

In a Belgrade hotel elevator: To move the cabin, push button for  wishing   floor. If the cabin should enter more persons, each one should press a  number of wishing floor. Driving is then going alphabetically by  national  order.   

In a Paris hotel elevator: Please leave your values at the front desk.     

In a hotel in Athens: Visitors are expected to complain at the office  between the hours of 9 and 11 A.M. daily.  

In a Yugoslavian hotel: The flattening of underwear with pleasure is  the  job of the chambermaid.  

In a Japanese hotel: You are invited to take advantage of the  chambermaid.   

In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox  monastery:  You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet  composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursday.   

In an Austrian hotel catering to skiers: Not to perambulate the  corridors  in the hours of repose in the boots of ascension.    

On the menu of a Swiss restaurant: Our wines leave you nothing to hope  for.   

On the menu of a Polish hotel: Salad a firm's own make; limpid red  beet  soup with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted duck let  loose; beef rashers beaten up in the country people's fashion.    

In a Hong Kong supermarket: For your convenience, we recommend  courteous,  efficient self-service.   

Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop: Ladies may have a fit upstairs.   

In a Rhodes tailor shop: Order your summers suit. Because is big rush  we  will execute customers in strict rotation.   

Similarly, from the Soviet Weekly: There will be a Moscow Exhibition  of  Arts by 15,000 Soviet Republic painters and sculptors. These were  executed  over the past two years.   

In an East African newspaper: A new swimming pool is rapidly taking  shape  since the contractors have thrown in the bulk of their workers.  

In a Vienna hotel: In case of fire, do your utmost to alarm the hotel  porter.   

A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest: It is strictly forbidden on  our  black forest camping site that people of different sex, for instance,  men  and women, live together in one tent unless they are married with each  other for that purpose.   

In a Zurich hotel: Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests  of  the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be  used  for this purpose.   

In an advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist: Teeth extracted by the  latest  Methodists.   

A translated sentence from a Russian chess book: A lot of water has  been  passed under the bridge since this variation has been played.    

In a Rome laundry: Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the  afternoon  having a good time.   

In a Czechoslovakian tourist agency: Take one of our horse-driven city  tours -- we guarantee no miscarriages.   

Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand: Would you like to ride on  your  own ass?   

On the faucet in a Finnish washroom: To stop the drip, turn cock to  right.   

In the window of a Swedish furrier: Fur coats made for ladies from  their  own skin.   

On the box of a clockwork toy made in Hong Kong: Guaranteed to work  throughout its useful life.   

Detour sign in Kyushi, Japan: Stop: Drive Sideways.    

In a Swiss mountain inn: Special today -- no ice cream.    

In a Bangkok temple: It is forbidden to enter a woman even a foreigner  if  dressed as a man.  

In a Tokyo bar: Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts.    

In a Copenhagen airline ticket office: We take your bags and send them  in  all directions.   

On the door of a Moscow hotel room: If this is your first visit to the  USSR, you are welcome to it.  

In a Norwegian cocktail lounge: Ladies are requested not to have  children  in the bar.   

At a Budapest zoo: Please do not feed the animals. If you have any  suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.   

In the office of a Roman doctor: Specialist in women and other  diseases.   

In an Acapulco hotel: The manager has personally passed all the water  served here.   

In a Tokyo shop: Our nylons cost more than common, but you'll find  they  are best in the long run.    

From a Japanese information booklet about using a hotel air   conditioner:  Cooles and Heates: If you want just condition of warm in your room,  please  control yourself.    

From a brochure of a car rental firm in Tokyo: When passenger of foot  heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at first, but  if  he still obstacles your passage then tootle him with vigor.    

Two signs from a Majorcan shop entrance:  English well talking.  Here speeching American.



Our Crazy Language-Why is it that way??

Did you know that "verb" is a noun?

How can you look up words in a dictionary if you can't spell them?

If a word is misspelled in a dictionary, how would we ever know?

If two mouses are mice and two louses are lice, why aren't two houses hice?

If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?

If you wrote a letter, perhaps you bote your tongue?

If you've read a book, you can reread it. But wouldn't this also mean that you would have to "member" somebody in order to remember them?

In Chinese, why are the words for crisis and opportunity the same?

Is it a coincidence that the only 15 letter word that can be spelled without repeating a letter is uncopyrightable?

Is there another word for a synonym?

Shouldn't there be a shorter word for "monosyllabic"?

What is another word for "thesaurus"?

Where do swear words come from?

Why can't you make another word using all the letters in "anagram"?

Why do fat chance and slim chance mean the same thing?

Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?

Why do people use the word "irregardless"?

Why do some people type "cool" as "kewl?"

Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?

Why do we say something's out of order when its broken but we never say in of order when it works?

Why does "cleave" mean both split apart and stick together?

Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?

Why does flammable and inflammable mean the same thing?

Why does the Chinese ideogram for trouble symbolize two women living under one roof?

Why does X stand for a kiss and O stand for a hug?

Why doesn't "onomatopoeia" sound like what it is?

Why don't we say "why" instead of "how come"?

Why is "crazy man" an insult, while to insert a comma and say "Crazy, man!" is a compliment?

Why are a wise man and wise guy opposites?

Why is abbreviation such a long word?

Why is dyslexic so hard to spell?

Why is it so hard to remember how to spell MNEMONIC?

Why is it that no word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, or purple?

Why is it that the word "gullible" isn't in the dictionary?

Why is it that we recite at a play and play at a recital?

Why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham?

Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

Why is the plural of goose-geese, and not the plural of moose-meese?

Why isn't "palindrome" spelled the same way backwards?

Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?


Rules for Better Writing

1. Verbs HAS to agree with their subjects.

2. Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.

3. And don't start a sentence with a conjunction.

4. It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.

5. Avoid clich=E9s like the plague. (They're old hat)

6. Also, always avoid annoying alliteration.

7. Be more or less specific.

8. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are (usually)unnecessary.

9. Also too, never, ever use repetitive redundancies.

10. No sentence fragments.

11. Contractions aren't necessary and shouldn't be used.

12. Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.

13. Do not be redundant; do not use more words than necessary; it's
highly superfluous.

14. One should NEVER generalize.

15. Comparisons are as bad as clich=E9s.

16. Don't use no double negatives.

17. Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.

18. One-word sentences? Eliminate.

19. Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.

20. The passive voice is to be ignored.

21. Eliminate commas, that are, not necessary. Parenthetical words
however should be enclosed in commas.

22. Never use a big word when a diminutive one would suffice.

23. Kill all exclamation points!!!

24. Use words correctly, irregardless of how others use them.

25. Understatement is always the absolute best way to put forth earth
shaking ideas.

26. Use the apostrophe in it's proper place and omit it when its not

27. Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, "I hate
quotations. Tell me what you know."

28. If you've heard it once, you've heard it a thousand times: Resist
hyperbole; not one writer in a million can use it correctly.

29. Puns are for children, not groan readers.

30. Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.

31. Even IF a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.

32. Who needs rhetorical questions?

33. Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.


Humor Matters™

Steven M. Sultanoff, Ph.D.
Mirthologist and Clinical Psychologist
3972 Barranca Pkwy. Suite J-221
Irvine, CA 92606