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Joke of the Week 2007

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June 17, 2007

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April 15, 2007

WHY THE CHICKEN CROSSED THE ROAD


GEORGE W BUSH
We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to
know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is either against
us, or for us.  There is no middle ground here.

COLIN POWELL
Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of
the chicken crossing the road.

HANS BLIX
We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been
allowed to have access to the other side of the road.

JOHN KERRY
Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it!

RALPH NADER
The chicken's habitat on the other side of the road had been polluted by
unchecked industrial greed. The chicken did not reach the unspoiled
habitat on the other side of the road because it was crushed by the
wheels of a gas-guzzling SUV.

PAT BUCHANAN
To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.

RUSH LIMBAUGH
I don't know why the chicken crossed the road, but I'll bet it was getting
a government grant to cross the road, and I'll bet that somebody out there
is already forming a support group to help chickens with crossing-the-road
syndrome. Can you believe this?!? How much more of this can real
Americans take? Chickens crossing the road paid for by their tax dollars.
And when I say tax dollars, I'm talking about your money, money the
government took from you to build a road for chickens to cross.

MARTHA STEWART
No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. 
I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. 
No little bird gave me any insider information.

DR SEUSS
Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? 
Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY
To die in the rain. Alone.

MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR
I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads 
without having their motives called into question.

GRANDPA
In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road.
Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.

BARBARA WALTERS
Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the
chicken tell, for the first time, the heartwarming story of how it experienced a
serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its life long dream
of crossing the road.

JOHN LENNON
Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together - in peace.

ARISTOTLE
It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

KARL MARX
It was an historic inevitability.

RONALD REAGAN
What chicken?

CAPTAIN KIRK
To boldly go where no chicken has ever gone before.

SIGMUND FREUD
The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road 
reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.

BILL GATES
I have just witnessed eChicken2003, which will not only cross roads,
but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your
checkbook. Internet explorer is an integral part of eChicken.

ALBERT EINSTEIN
Did the chicken really cross the road, 
or did the road move beneath the chicken?

BILL CLINTON
I did not cross the road with THAT chicken.
 What is your definition of chicken?

AL GORE
I invented the chicken!

THE BIBLE
And God came down from heaven, and he said unto the chicken
THOU SHALT CROSS THE ROAD. And the chicken didst cross the
road, and there was much rejoicing.

COLONEL SANDERS
Did I miss one?

April 8, 2007

Ponderings for Our Ages  

 How Old is Grandma?

One evening a grandson was talking to his grandmother about current events. He asked what she thought about the shootings at schools, the computer age, and just things in general.

 The grandma replied, & I quote; Well, let me think a minute . I was born before television, penicillin, polio shots, frozen foods, Xerox, contact lenses, Frisbees and the pill.

 There was no radar, credit cards, laser beams or ball-point pens. Man had not invented pantyhose, air conditioners, dishwashers, clothes dryers, well the clothes were hung out to dry in the fresh air and man hadn't yet walked on the moon.

 Your granddad and I got married first, and then lived together. Every family had a father and a mother, and every boy over 14 had a rifle that his dad taught him how to use and respect. And they went hunting and fishing together.

 Until I was 25, I called every man older than I, 'Sir'-and after I turned 25, I still called policemen and every man with a title, 'Sir.' Sundays were set aside for going to church as a family, helping those in need, and visiting with family or neighbors.

 We were before gay rights, computer dating, dual careers, daycare centers, and group therapy.

 Our lives were governed by the Ten Commandments, good judgment, and common sense. We were taught to know the difference between right and wrong and to stand up and take responsibility for our actions.

 Serving your country was a privilege; living here was a bigger privilege.

 We thought fast food was what people ate during Lent. Having a meaningful relationship meant getting along with your cousins. Draft dodgers were people who closed their front doors when the evening breeze started.

 Time-sharing meant time the family spent together in the evenings and weekends not purchasing condominiums.

 We never heard of FM radios, tape decks, CDs, electric typewriters, yogurt, or guys wearing earrings. We listened to the Big Bands, Jack Benny, and the President's speeches on our radios. And I don't ever remember any kid blowing his brains out listening to Tommy Dorsey.

 If you saw anything with 'Made in Japan ' on it, it was junk. The term 'making out' referred to how you did on your school exam. Pizza Hut, McDonald's , and instant coffee were unheard of.

 We had 5 & 10 cent stores where you could actually buy things for 5 and 10 cents. Ice cream cones, phone calls, rides on a streetcar, and a Pepsi were all a nickel. And if you didn't want to splurge, you could spend your nickel on enough stamps to mail 1 letter and 2 postcards.

 You could buy a new Chevy Coupe for $600, but who could afford one? Too bad, because gas was 11 cents a gallon.

 In my day, 'grass' was mowed, 'coke' was a cold drink, 'pot' was something your mother cooked in, and 'rock music' was your grandmother's lullaby.

 'Aids' were helpers in the Principal's office, 'chip' meant a piece of wood, 'hardware' was found in a hardware store, and 'software' wasn't even a word.

 And we were the last generation to actually believe that a lady needed a husband to have a baby. No wonder people call us "old and confused" and say there is a generation gap; how old do YOU think I am - ????

 Grandma would be only 65 years old in 2007

March 14, 2007

Check out our St. Patrick's Day Page

March 11, 2007

Baseball Season is upon us and 
that means the Rebirth of the Yankee/Red sox Rivalry

One foggy night, a Yankee fan is heading north from New York and a Red Sox fan is driving south from Boston . While crossing a narrow bridge, they hit each other head-on, mangling both cars.  The Red Sox fan manages to climb out of his car and survey the damage.  He looks at his twisted car and says, "Man, I'm lucky to be alive!" Likewise, the Yankee fan gets out of his car uninjured, he too feeling fortunate to have survived. The Red Sox fan walks over to the Yankee fan and says, "Hey, man, I think this is a sign that we should put away our petty differences and live as friends instead of being rivals." The Yankee fan thinks for a moment and says, "You know, you're absolutely right! We should be friends. In fact, I'm going to see if something else survived the wreck." The Yankee fan pops open his trunk and removes a full, undamaged bottle of Jack Daniel's. He says to the Red Sox fan, "I think this is another sign we should toast to our newfound friendship." The Red Sox fan agrees and grabs the bottle. After sucking down half of the bottle, he hands it back to the Yankee fan and says, "Your turn!" The Yankee fan calmly twists the cap back on the bottle, throws the bottle over the bridge into the river and says, "Nah, I think I'll just wait for the cops to show up.

March 4, 2007

Ponderings for 2007

Number 10
Life is sexually transmitted.

Number 9
Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

Number 8
Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny.
If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.

Number 7
Give a person a fish and you feed him for a day; 
teach a person to use the Internet and he won't bother you for weeks.

Number 6
Consider what Willie Nelson said regarding being caught recently with a bag of Marijuana: "It's a good thing I had a bag of Marijuana instead of a bag of spinach. 
I'd be dead by now."

Number 5
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, 
lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

Number 4
All of us could take a lesson from the weather. 
It pays no attention to criticism.

Number 3
Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars, 
and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents?

Number 2
In the 60s, people took acid to make the world weird. 
Now the world is weird, and people take Prozac to make it normal.

AND THE NUMBER 1 THOUGHT TO PONDER IN 2007:
We know exactly where one cow with Mad-cow-disease is located among the millions and millions of cows in America , but we haven't got a clue as to where thousands of illegal immigrants and Terrorists are located. Maybe we should put the Department of Agriculture in charge of immigration.

June 4, 2006

ZEN SARCASM

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me,
for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. In fact, just leave me
the hell alone.

2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a
leaky tire.

3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's
newspaper, that's the time to do it.

4. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

5. Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else.

6. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

7. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car
payments.

8. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes.
That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their
shoes.

9. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish,
and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

11. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was
probably worth it.

12. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

13. Some days you're the bug; some days you're the windshield.

14. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

15. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put
it back in your pocket.

16. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

17. Duct tape is like 'The Force'. It has a light side and a dark side,
and it holds the universe together.

18. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

19. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are
moving.

20. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

21. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

22. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative
on the same night.

February 6, 2005

Super Bowl Sunday and we have a bit of

Super Bowl Humor

A man had 50 yard line tickets for the Eagles-Patriots Super Bowl Game in Jacksonville, Florida.

 

As he sat down, a man approached him and asked him if the seat next to him was available.

 

"Yes," he said sadly, "the seat is empty".

 

"This is incredible", exclaimed the man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Super Bowl, the biggest sports event in the world, and not use it ?"

 

Somberly, the man replied, "Well... the seat actually belongs to me.

I was supposed to come here with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Super Bowl we have not been together since we got married in 1967."

 

"Oh I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find someone

else - a friend or relative or even a neighbor to take the seat?"

 

Shaking his head he replied, "No. They're all at her funeral."

January, 2005

2004 The Year's Best  Headlines
  
Crack Found on Governor's Daughter
       
  Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
  
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
  
Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?
  
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
  
Miners Refuse to Work after Death
  
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
  
War Dims Hope for Peace
  
If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
  
Cold Wave Linked to Temperature
  
Enfield (London) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
  
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
  
Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge
  
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
  
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
  
 Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
  
Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy
  
Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half 
  
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
  
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

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