HumorMatterstm
Joke of the Week 2000

             

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Joke of the Week January-March 2000

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For the week of December 31,  2000

With the release of the "New" Beatles CD 
comes the following for all of you computer wizards.
(This was sent to me without a credit.  
I do not therefore know the original source ode)

Yesterday

Yesterday,
All those backups seemed a waste of pay.
Now my database has gone away.
Oh I believe in yesterday.

Suddenly,
There's not half the files there used to be,
And there's a milestone hanging over me
The system crashed so suddenly.

I pushed something wrong
What it was I could not say.

Now all my data's gone
and I long for yesterday-ay-ay-ay.

Yesterday,
The need for back-ups seemed so far away.
I knew my data was all here to stay,
Now I believe in yesterday.

Eleanor Rigby

Eleanor Rigby
Sits at the keyboard
And waits for a line on the screen
Lives in a dream
Waits for a signal
Finding some code
That will make the machine do some more.
What is it for?

All the lonely users, where do they all come from?
All the lonely users, why does it take so long?

Guru MacKenzie
Typing the lines of a program that no one will run;
Isn't it fun?
Look at him working,
Munching some chips as he waits for the code to compile;
It takes a while...
All the lonely users, where do they all come from?
All the lonely users, why does it take so long?

Eleanor Rigby
Crashes the system and loses 6 hours of work;
Feels like a jerk.
Guru MacKenzie
Wiping the crumbs off the keys as he types in the code;
Nothing will load.
All the lonely users, where do they all come from?
All the lonely users, why does it take so long?



Unix Man
--------
He's a real UNIX Man
Sitting in his UNIX LAN
Making all his UNIX plans
For nobody.

Knows the blocksize from du(1)
Cares not where /dev/null goes to
Isn't he a bit like you
And me?

UNIX Man, please listen(2)
My lpd(8) is missin'
UNIX Man
The wo-o-o-orld is at(1) your command.
He's as wise as he can be
Uses lex and yacc and C
UNIX Man, can you help me At all?

UNIX Man, don't worry
Test with time(1), don't hurry UNIX Man
The new kernel boots, just like you had planned.
He's a real UNIX Man Sitting in his UNIX LAN
Making all his UNIX .plans For nobody ...
Making all his UNIX .plans For nobody.



Write in C ("Let it Be")

When I find my code in tons of trouble,
Friends and colleagues come to me,
Speaking words of wisdom:
"Write in C."

As the deadline fast approaches,
And bugs are all that I can see,
Somewhere, someone whispers:
"Write in C."

Write in C, Write in C,
Write in C, oh, Write in C.
LOGO's dead and buried,
Write in C.

I used to write a lot of FORTRAN,
For science it worked flawlessly.
Try using it for graphics!
Write in C.

If you've just spent nearly 30 hours,
Debugging some assembly,
Soon you will be glad to
Write in C.

Write in C, Write in C,
Write in C, yeah, Write in C.
BASIC's not the answer.
Write in C.

Write in C, Write in C
Write in C, oh, Write in C.
Pascal won't quite cut it.
Write in C.


Something
---------
Something in the way it fails,
Defies the algorithm's logic!
Something in the way it coredumps...
I don't want to leave it now
I'll fix this problem somehow
Somewhere in the memory I know,
A pointer's got to be corrupted.
Stepping in the debugger will show me...

I don't want to leave it now
I'm too close to leave it now
You're asking me can this code go?
I don't know, I don't know...
What sequence causes it to blow?
I don't know, I don't know...

Something in the initializing code?
And all I have to do is think of it!
Something in the listing will show me...
I don't want to leave it now
I'll fix this tonight I vow!


For the week of December 24,  2000

Since we are entering the time of goodies and sweets this week we shall examine the truth about dieting:

The Truth About Diets is Out There

1. If you eat something and no one sees you eat it, it has no calories.

2. If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar, the calories in the candy bar are cancelled out by the diet soda.

3. When you eat with someone else, calories don't count if you don't eat more than they do.

4. Food used for medicinal purposes NEVER count, such as hot chocolate, toast and Sara Lee Cheesecake.

5. If you fatten up everyone else around you, then you look thinner. 

6. Movie related foods (Milk Duds, Buttered Popcorn, Junior Mints, Red Hots, Tootsie Rolls, etc.) do not have additional calories because they are part of the entertainment package and not part of one's personal fuel.

7. Cookie pieces contain no calories -- the process of breaking causes calorie leakage.

8. Things licked off knives and spoons have no calories if you are in the process of preparing something. Examples are peanut butter on a knife making a sandwich and ice cream on a spoon making a sundae.

9. Foods that have the same color have the same number of calories.
Examples are: spinach and pistachio ice cream; mushrooms and white chocolate.

10. Foods that are frozen have no calories because calories are units of heat.

Examples are ice cream, frozen pies, and popsicles. 

NOTE: Chocolate is a universal color and may be substituted for any other food color.
For the week of December 17,  2000

The Week's joke is dedicated to all of you who live in a winter wonderland of snow.

Eldon and Dorothy were sitting down to their usual cup of morning coffee listening to the weather report over the radio. "There will be 3 to 5 inches of snow today and a snow emergency has been declared. You must, therefore, park your car on the odd numbered side of the street." Eldon finished his coffee and said, "Dorothy, I have to go park the car across the street." 

Two days later, again they both were sipping their morning coffee when the weather forecast reported, "There will be 2 to 4 inches of snow today and a snow emergency has been declared. This week you must park your car on the even numbered side of the street." Eldon once again finished his coffee and stated, "Okay here I go again moving the car." 

Three days later, again they were drinking their cups of morning coffee when the weather forecast reported, "There will be 6 to 8 inches of snow today and a snow emergency has been declared. You must park your car... " and suddenly the power went out and Eldon didn't hear the rest of the instructions. He turned to Dorothy and said, "Now, what am I going to do?" Dorothy replied, "Oh Eldon, just leave the car in the garage.
For the week of December 10,  2000
(Okay, I finally had to succumb to the election humor with the following note:)

The movie "102 Dalmatians" is set to be released this weekend.  However, in Florida it will be re-titled "97 Dalmatians." Palm Beach County has decided to throw out 5 of them because the spots were in the wrong place.
For the week of December 3,  2000

From Humor enthusiast Janet comes the following set of riddles

What happened to the mechanic who fell asleep dreaming about car mufflers?

He woke up exhausted!



Why were the middle ages also called the dark ages?

Because there were a lot of knights in those days!


What happened to the wooden car?

It wooden go!



One atom says to the other atom, "I think I lost an electron."

And the other atom says, "Are you sure?"

And the first atom says, "I'm positive."
For the week of December 3,  2000
(Humor Enthusiast Robin informs me that this joke was used as an earlier Joke-of-the-Week.  
Therefore I have added the above riddles for the week of December 3, 2000)

A senior moment!

 It's really tough getting old...... 
When I went to lunch today, I noticed  a lady about 75-80 years old sitting on a bench near the shops and she was sobbing her eyes out.
 
 I stopped and asked her what was wrong. She said: "I have a 22 year old husband at home. He makes love to me every morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground, brewed coffee."
 
 I said: "Well, then why are you crying?" She said: "He makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favorite brownies and then makes love, to me half  the  afternoon."
 
 I said: "Well so why are you crying?" She said: "For dinner he makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favorite desert and then makes love to me until 2:00 a.m."
 
 I said: "Well, why in the world would you be crying?" 
She said: "I CAN'T REMEMBER WHERE I LIVE!!!!"
For the week of November 19,  2000

At 85 years of age, Morris marries LouAnne, a lovely 25-year-old. Because her new husband is so old, LouAnne decides that on their wedding night, she and Morris are to have separate bedrooms. The newlywed is concerned that her new husband may overexert himself if they spend the entire night together.

After the wedding festivities, LouAnne prepares herself for bed, and for the expected "knock" on the door. Sure enough, the knock comes, the door opens, and there is her 85-year-old groom, ready for action. They unite as one. All goes well, whereupon Morris takes leave of LouAnne, and she prepares to go to sleep.

After a few minutes, LouAnne hears another knock on her bedroom door. It's Morris! And he's again ready for more action. Somewhat surprised, LouAnne consents to further coupling. When the newlyweds are done, Morris kisses LouAnne, bids her a fond good night, and leaves. 

LouAnne is set to go to sleep again. However, after a few short minutes, there is another knock at her door, and there he is again: Morris, as fresh as a 25-year-old and ready for a bit more action. And again they enjoy one another. 
As Morris is once again set to leave, the young bride says to him, "I am thoroughly impressed that at your age, honey, you have enough juice to go at it three times. I've been with guys less than a third your age who were only good once! You're a great lover, Morris."

Morris, somewhat embarrassed, turns to LouAnne and says "You mean I was here already?"

For the week of November 11,  2000

Press Release
I apologize to those of you who are offended by the following.  
I found it too cute to resist.

The two major party presidential candidates today agreed that Americans are seeing too much inappropriate material in popular entertainment. However, they disagreed on the details. The Republican candidate, George W. Bush, stated that there is too much bloody violence in the movies and on television. Vice President Al Gore, his Democratic opponent, stated that the media present Americans with too much sex and frontal nudity. In other words, Bush says there is too much gore and Gore says there is too much bush.

For the week of November 4,  2000

This week marks the passing of one of the greatest creative individuals of the 20th century.  There is only one Steve Allen. He is the author of 53 books; has recorded more than 50 record albums and written 8,500 songs; and is best known for his years of comedy on television during the "Golden Age of Comedy" in the 1950s. Mr. Allen created and hosted the "Tonight " show; starred in the critically acclaimed NBC series "The Steve Allen Comedy Hour"; has written the score and lyrics for several musicals; and has been inducted into the TV Academy's Hall of Fame.  Steve Allen was truly a Renaissance Man.  We present the following Top Ten List  in his honor.   
Steve Allen will be receiving the Doug Fletcher Award for Excellence In therapeutic Humor  
at the AATH National Conference in San Diego CA on February 3, 2001.

The Top Ten "Show Host" Innovations 
Created by Steve Allen 

10. Interviewing people in the audience. 

9. Interviewing people on the sidewalk outside the theater. 

8. Placing a live camera in a public place outside the theater. 

7. Waging pie fights, e.g., with Soupy Sales. 

6. Bringing zoo animals on the show. 

5. The Matinee Movie Host. 

4. Laughing for a long time in falsetto. 

3. Jumping into a vat of Jell-O. 

2. Writing song based on 2 notes supplied by audience. 

And the Number One Steve Allen innovation is: 

1. Being Steve Allen :). 

So Long Steverino

For the week of November 4,  2000
(This week's joke is a commentary about those who choose to be politicians.)

A bus load of politicians were driving down a country road, when all of a sudden, the bus ran off the road and crashed into a tree in an old farmer's field. The old farmer, after seeing what happened, went over to investigate. He then proceeded to dig a hole and bury the politicians. A few days later, the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus, and asked the farmer where all the politicians had gone. The old farmer said he had buried them.

The sheriff then asked the old farmer, "Were they ALL dead?" The old farmer replied, "Well, some of them said they weren't, but  you know how them politicians lie."

For the week of October 29,  2000

Two men were walking home after a Halloween party and decided to take a shortcut through the cemetery just for laughs. Right in the middle of the cemetery, they were startled by a tap-tap-tapping noise coming from the misty shadows.

Trembling with fear, they found an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at one of the headstones.

"Holy cow, Mister," one of them said after catching his breath. "You scared us half to death -- we thought you were a ghost! What are you doing working here so late at night?"

"Those fools!" the old man grumbled. "They misspelled my name!"

For the week of October 22,  2000

Two nuns, Sister Mary and Sister Helen, are traveling through Europe in their car. They get to Transylvania and are stopped at a traffic light. Suddenly, out of nowhere, a tiny little Dracula jumps onto the hood of the car and hisses through the windshield.

"Quick, quick!" shouts Sister Mary, "What shall we do?"

"Turn the windshield wipers on. That will get rid of the abomination," says Sister Helen.

Sister Mary switches them on, knocking Dracula about, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns. "What shall I do now?" she shouts.

"Switch on the windshield washer. I filled it up with Holy Water at the Vatican, " says Sister Helen.

Sister Mary turns on the windshield washer. Dracula screams as the water burns his skin, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns.

"Now what?" shouts Sister Mary.

"Show him your cross," says Sister Helen.

"Now you're talking," says Sister Mary.

She opens the window and shouts, "Get the hell off our car!"

For the week of October 15,  2000

Why are vampires Democrats?

They want Gore in 2000!

For the week of October 8,  2000

Moishe called his Rabbi and said, "I know tonight is
Kol Nidre, but tonight  the Yankees start the playoffs. 
Rabbi, I'm a lifelong Yankee fan. I've got
to watch the Yankee game on TV."

The Rabbi responded, "Moishe, that's what VCRs are for."

Moishe is surprised. "You mean I can tape Kol Nidre"?
For the week of October 1,  2000

From ponderings out of the mouths of babes comes this week joke:

After watching Peter Pan for the first time,  a child asked: 
"What was Captain Hook's name before the crocodile ate his hand?"

For the week of September 24,  2000

Famous Short Very Short Books
My apologies to those of your who may be offended by some of these rare titles.

Staying Happily Married by Elizabeth Taylor

Atlantic Crossings of the Titanic by White Star Lines

Winning a SuperBowl by Dan Marino

Things I Cannot Afford by Bill Gates

My Plan to Find the Real Killer by O.J. Simpson

Things I would not Do for Money by Dennis Rodman

The Wild Years by Al Gore

 A Guide to the Pacific Ocean by Amelia Earhart

America's Most Popular Lawyers By the ABA

Detroit--A Travel Guide By the Chamber of Commerce

Everything Men Know about Women

All the Men I Have Loved Before by Ellen DeGeneres

Mike Tyson'S Guide to Dating Etiquette

For the week of September 17,  2000

It's tough getting old...... When I went to lunch today, I noticed
 this lady about 75-80 years old sitting on a bench near the shops
and she was sobbing her eyes out.
 
 I stopped and asked her what was wrong. She said: "I have a
 22 year old husband at home. He makes love to me every morning and
 then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and 
freshly ground, brewed coffee."
 
 I said: "Well, then why are you crying?" She said: "He makes me
 homemade soup for lunch and my favorite brownies and then 
makes love, to me half  the afternoon."
 
 I said: "Well so why are you crying?" She said: "For dinner he makes me
 a gourmet meal with wine and my favorite desert and then makes love 
to me until 2:00 a.m."
 
 I said: "Well, why in the world would you be crying?"
 She said: "I CAN'T REMEMBER WHERE I LIVE!!!!"

For the week of September 10,  2000
From Fellow Jester patty

A Mathematician, a Biologist and a Physicist are sitting in a street
cafe watching people going in and coming out of the house on the
other side of the street. First they see two people going into the
house. Time passes. After a while they notice three persons coming
out of the house.

The Physicist assumes: "The measurement wasn't accurate." 
The Biologist concludes: "They have reproduced." 
The Mathematician deduces: "Now if another person
enters the house, it'll be empty again."
For the week of September 3,  2000
With apologies to the world of football players.

A football coach looked over to his star player and said, "I know I'm not supposed to let you play since you failed math but we need you in there. How about I ask you a math question to prove you know your math so you can play?"

The player agreed and the coach asked the following question, "Okay, what is 2+2?"

The player thought for a moment and then he answered,"4."

Suddenly, all the other players on the team began screaming, "Come on coach, give him another chance!"

For the week of August 27,  2000

A young woman goes to the local psychic in hopes of contacting her dearly departed grandmother. As the séance begins the psychic's eyelids begin fluttering, her voice begins warbling, her hands float up above the table, and she begins moaning. Eventually, a coherent voice emerges saying, "Granddaughter? Are you there?"

The woman, wide-eyed and on the edge of her seat, responds, "Grandmother? Is that you?"  

"Yes granddaughter, it's me."

"It's really, really you, Grandmother?" the woman repeats.

"Yes, it's really me, granddaughter."

The woman looks puzzled and questions, "You're sure it's you, Grandmother?"

"Yes, granddaughter, I'm sure it's me."

The woman pauses a moment, "Grandmother, I have just one question for you."

"Anything, my child."

"Grandmother, when did you learn to speak English?"
For the week of August 20,  2000
From fellow jester Patty

The Top Ten Ways the White House will Change with Lieberman as Vice President

10) Air Force One to be renamed  "El Al Gore."

9) Tipper to be referred to as "The First Shiksa."

8) Saturday Night State Dinners to be replaced by Sunday Brunches.

7) Inauguration to be completed with Breaking of Glass.

6) Presidential Baldness will have the following cover-up:  The Presidential Yarmulke!

5) Every time "Hail to the Chief" is played, Secret Servicemen Lift Gore in Chair and Dance Around.

4) The U.S. government (especially the Pentagon) will never to pay retail again.

3) Federal Employees To Have Saturdays off for Shabbat.

2) Camp David relocated to the Catskill Mountains.

1) In First Major Trade Agreement with India, New Delhi to be renamed Moshe's Deli.

For the week of August 13,  2000
This week's Joke's are "Out of the Mouths of Babes"

   A Sunday school teacher asked the children just before she dismissed   them to go to church, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?" 
Annie replied, "Because people are sleeping."
   ____________________________________________
     A Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took  Jesus with them to Jerusalem. 
A small child replied: "They couldn't get a   baby-sitter."
   _____________________________________________
  
   A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her   five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor thy   father and thy mother," she asked "Is there a commandment that teaches us  how to treat our brothers and sisters?"   
Without missing a beat one little boy answered, "Thou shall not kill."
   _____________________________________________
  
   At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything,   including human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they  told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs. Later in the week  his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and said, "Johnny  what is the matter?"
   Little Johnny responded, "I have a pain in my side. I think I'm going  to have a wife."
   _____________________________________________
  
   A very dirty little fellow came in from playing in the yard and asked  his mother, "Who am I? " Ready to play the game she said, "I don't know!  Who are you?"  "WOW!" cried the child. "Mrs. Johnson was right! She said I was so dirty, my own mother wouldn't recognize me!"
For the week of August 6,  2000

Ponderings
If you mixed vodka with orange juice and milk of magnesia, would you get a Philip's Screwdriver?

Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

Why do women wear evening gowns to nightclubs? Shouldn't they be wearing night gowns?

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts," and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread to begin with.

When cheese gets it's picture taken, what does it say?

Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a race car not called a racist?

Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?

Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?

If horrific means to make horrible, does terrific mean to make terrible?

Why isn't 11 pronounced onety one?

"I am " is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do " is the longest sentence?

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models
deposed, tree surgeons debarked and dry cleaners depressed?

Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?

Why is it that if someone tells you that there are 1 billion stars in the universe you will believe them, but if they tell you a wall has wet paint you will have to touch it to be  sure?

If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?

If people from Poland are called "Poles," why aren't people from Holland called "Holes?"

For the week of July 30,  2000

Gaining Perspective

 Pythagorean theorem: 24 words
 The Lord's prayer: 66 words
 Archimedes' Principle: 67 words
 The 10 Commandments: 179 words
 The Gettysburg address: 286 words
 The Declaration of Independence: 1,300 words
 The US Government regulations on the sale of cabbage: 26,911 words

For the week of July 23,  2000
With the Mid-East peace talks in full swing comes this week's joke

Hussein called President Clinton and said, "Bill, I had a wonderful dream last night. I could see America, the whole country, and on each house I saw a banner."

"What did it say on the banners?" Mr. Clinton asked.

Saddam replied, "LONG LIVE SADDAM HUSSEIN."

Mr. Clinton responded, "You know, Saddam, I am really happy you called. Last night I had a similar dream. I could see all of Baghdad, and it
was more beautiful than ever. It had been rebuilt completely, and on each house flew an enormous banner."

"What did the banners say?" Saddam asked.

"I don't know," replied President Clinton, "I can't read Hebrew."

For the week of July 16,  2000

This week I offered a continuing education program on therapeutic humor for mental health therapists.   One of the participants shared the following joke.  I hope you enjoy it.

Late one night, while he believed his single mom was asleep, a 10-year old boy peered into his mother's bedroom to discover her lying on her back holding her arms to her chest and chanting, "Oh I need a man, Oh I need a man, Oh I need a man."

A week later he once again peered into his mother's bedroom to find her lying on her back with her arms wrapped closely around a man.

He returned to his room, crawled into bed, held his arms closely to his chest and chanted, "Oh, I need a bike, Oh I need a bike, Oh I need a bike."

For the week of July 9,  2000

Two moose hunters from Texas are flown into a remote
lake in Alaska. They have a good hunt and both manage
to get a large moose. When the plane returns to pick
them up, the pilot looks at the animals and says,
"This little plane won't lift all of us, the
equipment, and both of those animals. You'll have to
leave one. We'd never make it over the trees on the
take off."

"That's baloney!" says one of the hunters. "Yeah," the
other agrees, "you're just chicken. We came out here
last year and got two moose and that pilot had some
guts! He wasn't afraid to take off!"

"Yeah", said the first hunter, "and his plane wasn't
any bigger than yours!"

The pilot got angry, and said, "Hell, if he did it,
then I can do it! I can fly as well as anybody!"

They loaded up, taxied at full throttle, and the plane
almost made it, but didn't have the lift to clear the
trees at the end of the lake. It clipped the tops,
then flipped, then broke up, scattering the baggage,
animal carcasses, and passengers all through the
brush.

Still alive, but hurt and dazed, the pilot sat up,
shook his head to clear it, and said, "Where are we?"

One of the hunters rolled out from being thrown into a
bush, looked around and said, "I'd say... About a
hundred yards further than last year."

For the week of July 2,  2000

With concern for safety with fireworks on the 4th of July
comes the following from the files of the Darwin Awards

In unincorporated Fox Lake, Illinois, 28-year-old
Daniel Wyman drowned after he and a companion inadvertently
blew a hole in the bottom of their boat with an M-250 firecracker. The
M-250 firecracker is the equivalent of one-fourth of a stick
of dynamite. Daniel Wyman and his friend threw the firecracker into
the water near their 14-foot aluminum rowboat.

The boat was caught by a gust of wind that pushed the boat over the
explosive. The boat was not equipped with life preservers; Wyman, who
could not swim, drowned when the boat sank. His companion swam to
shore and was taken to Northern Illinois Medical Center
in McHenry for observation.

Fox Lake Fire Capt. Thomas Preidis said that the device
probably had floated back to the surface when it
exploded; otherwise the cushion of water between the explosive and the
boat
probably would have prevented a breach of the hull. "We really don't
know why it happened," Preidis said. "It's getting close to the 4th
of July, and people like to blow off fireworks. When you throw an
M-250 in the water it makes a nice big geyser. Then again, they may
have been trying to scare fish to the surface."

For the week of June 25,  2000

A big-city lawyer was representing the railroad in a lawsuit filed by an old rancher. The rancher's prize bull was missing from the section through which the railroad passed. The rancher claimed that the bull must have been hit by the train, and wanted to be paid the fair value of the bull. The case was scheduled to be tried before the justice of the peace in the back room of the general store. As soon as the rancher showed up, the attorney for the railroad pulled him aside and tried to get him to settle out of court. The lawyer did his best selling job, and finally the rancher agreed to take half of what he was asking. After the rancher had signed the release and took the check, the young lawyer couldn't resist gloating a little over his success, telling the rancher, "You know, I hate to tell you this, old man, but I put one over on you in there. I couldn't have won the case. The engineer was asleep and the fireman was in the caboose when the train went through your ranch that morning. I didn't have one witness to put on the stand. I bluffed you!" The old rancher replied, "Well, I'll tell you, young feller, I was a little worried about winning that case myself, because that darned bull came home this morning."

For the week of June 18,  2000

There are only 3 types of people in the world. Those who can count, and those who can't.

For the week of June 11,  2000

The Retirement Present

The neighborhood postman was retiring after 25 years. On his last day of delivering mail, 
all of the people on his route left him something in the mail box in honor of his retirement. 
Some left money, some left small gifts, and some met him at the door and
invited him in for a meal. This went on all through the neighborhood. 
As he proceeded through his route, the gifts got better and better. 
One house even gave him a gold watch!

He was so satisfied, but the last house paled in comparison. 
As he was putting the mail in the mailbox, the door opened, and the
woman of the house stood there in beautiful lingerie. She invited him inside. 
He knew that this woman's husband was a truck driver and was away, so he went inside. 
She proceeded to give him the day and night of his life.

The next morning he woke up to find she was bringing him breakfast in bed. 
He found a dollar bill under his plate as he ate and asked her about it. 
She explained, "When I called my husband to tell ask him what we should give you for your
retirement, he said, 'screw him, give him a dollar.' Breakfast was my idea."

For the week of June 4,  2000

At 3 am a desk clerk at a hotel gets a call from a drunk guy asking what time the bar opens. "It opens at noon," answers the clerk. About an hour later he gets a call from the same guy, sounding even drunker. "What time does the bar open?" he asks. "Same time as before... Noon." replies the clerk. Another hour passes and he calls again, plastered "Whatjoo shay the bar opins at?" The clerk then answers, "It opens at noon, but if you can't wait, I can have room service send something up to you." "No... I don't wanna git in... Ah wanna git OUT!!!"

For the week of May 28,  2000

Birds and the Bees
Morris asks his son, now aged 10, if he knows about the birds and the bees.
"I don't want to know!" the child cried, bursting into tears.
Confused, the father asked his son what was wrong.
"Oh dad," he sobbed, "at age six I got the 'there's no Santa' speech. At age seven I got the 'there's no Easter bunny' speech. Then at age 8 you hit me with the 'there's no tooth fairy' speech! If you're going to tell me now that grown-ups don't really have sex, I've got nothing left to live for!"

For the week of May 21,  2000

An elderly man lay dying in his bed.  In death's agony, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookies wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort forced himself down the stairs, gripping the railing with both hands.  With labored breath, he leaned against the door-frame, gazing into the kitchen.

Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven: there, spread out upon newspapers on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies. Was it heaven?  Or, was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?

Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture.  His parched lips parted; the wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his mouth; seemingly bringing him back to life.

The aged and withered hand, shaking made its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife. "Stay out of those!" she said, "They're for the funeral."

For the week of May 14,  2000

Happy Mother's Day

This week's Joke is deicated to all of you who are mothers or are the children of mothers.

Principles of Motherhood

1. Motherhood ~~ If it was going to be easy, it never would have started with something called labor!
2. Shouting to make your children obey is like using the horn to steer your car, and you get about the same results.
3. To be in your children's memories tomorrow, you have to be in their lives today.
4. The smartest advice on raising children is to enjoy them while they are still on your side. 5. Avenge yourself ~~~ Live long enough to be a problem to your children.
6. The best way to keep kids at home is to make the home a pleasant atmosphere ~~ and to let the air out of the tires.
7. The right temperature in a home is maintained by warm hearts, not by hot heads.
8. Raising a teenager is like nailing Jello to a tree.
9. Parents: People who bare infants, bore teenagers, and board newlyweds.
10. The joy of motherhood: What a woman experiences when all the children are finally in bed.
11. Life's golden age is when the kids are too old to need baby-sitters and too young to borrow the family car.
12. Any child can tell you that the sole purpose of a middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.
13. Grandparents are similar to a piece of string ~ handy to have around and easily wrapped around the fingers of grandchildren.
14. A child outgrows your lap, but never outgrows your heart.
15. God gave you two ears and one mouth ... so you should listen twice as much as you talk. 16. There are three ways to get something done: Do it yourself, hire someone to do it, or forbid your children to do it.
17. Adolescence is the age when children try to bring up their parents.
18. You know the only people in this world who are always sure about the proper way to raise children? Those who've never had any.
19. Cleaning your house while your kids are at home is like trying to shovel the driveway during a snowstorm.
20. Oh to be only half as wonderful as my child thought I was when he was small, and half as stupid as my teenager now thinks I am.
21. There are only two things a child will share willingly: communicable diseases and his mother's age.
22. Money isn't everything, but it sure keeps the kids in touch.
23. Adolescence is the age at which children stop asking questions because they know all the answers.
24. An alarm clock is a device for awakening people who don't have small children.
25. Why is it that our children can't read a Bible in school, but they can in prison?
26. How do you cope when the apple of your eye becomes a bone in your throat?
27. No wonder kids are confused today. Half the adults tell them to find themselves; the other half tell them to get lost.
28. The persons hardest to convince they're at the retirement age are children at bedtime. 29. Kids really brighten a household; they never turn off any lights.
Additional Mother's Day Humor

For the week of May 7,  2000

Believing in Toys

Atheism: There is no toy maker.
Polytheism: There are many toy makers.
Evolutionism: The toys made themselves.
Capitalism: He who dies with the most toys, wins.
Communism: Everyone gets the same number of toys,
and whoever is caught selling his toys will go straight to Siberia.
Buddhism: He who dies with no toys, wins.
Hinduism: He who plays with bags of plastic farm animals, loses.
Mormonism: Every boy can have as many toys as he wants.
Satanism: He who plays with fire, wins.
Judaism: He who plays without following the rules, loses.
Anglican: They were our toys first.
Greek Orthodox: No, they were OURS first.
7th Day Adventist: He who plays with his toys on Saturday, loses.
Baptist: Once played, always played.
Catholicism: He who denies himself the most toys, wins.
Pentecostalism: He whose toys can talk, wins.
Jehovah's Witnesses: If you let us in, we will tell you why there are so many toys and how to recognize true players.

For the week of April 30,  2000

: Stock Market Report
AMEX (American Mirthful Exchange)

Microsoft Monopoly Split 1 for 2 (or 3 or 4)
Oil companies had each other over a barrel
IPOs, POed
Internet Stocks were off line
Software Mutual Funds were front loaded
Helium was up
Feathers were down.
Paper was stationary.
Fluorescent tubing was dimmed in light trading.
Knives were up sharply.
Cows steered into a bull market.
Pencils lost a few points.
Hiking equipment was trailing.
Elevators rose, while escalators continued their slow decline.
Weights were up in heavy trading.
Light switches were off.
Mining equipment hit rock bottom.
Diapers remained unchanged.
Shipping lines stayed at an even keel.
The market for raisins dried up.
Coca Cola fizzled.
Caterpillar stock inched up a bit.
Sun peaked at midday.
Balloon prices were inflated.
Scott Tissue touched a new bottom.
Batteries exploded in an attempt to recharge the market.
Energy stocks lost steam
Humor was laughed out of the market

For the week of April 23,  2000
This week's "Joke" was received from Ellie Marek AATH Newsletter Editor

All I Need to Know About Life I Learned from the Easter Bunny

Don't put all of your eggs in one basket.
Walk softly and carry a big carrot.
Everyone needs a friend who is all ears.
There's no such thing as too much candy.
All work and no play can make you a basket case.
A cute little tail attracts a lot of attention.
Everyone is entitled to a bad hare day.
Let happy thoughts multiply like rabbits.
Some body parts should be floppy.
Keep your paws off other people's jellybeans.
The grass is always greener in someone else's basket.
An Easter bonnet can tame even the wildest hare.
To show your true colors you have to come out of your shell.
The best things in life are still sweet and gooey!

For the week of April 16,  2000

Dear IRS,

Enclosed is my 1998 Tax Return & payment. Please take note of the attached article from the USA Today newspaper. In the article, you will see that the Pentagon is paying $171.50 for hammers and NASA has paid $600.00 for a toilet seat. Please find enclosed four toilet seats (value $2,400) and six hammers (value $1,029). This brings my total payment to $3,429.00. Please note the overpayment of $22.00 and apply it to the "Election Fund," as noted on my return. Might I suggest that you send the above mentioned fund a "1.5 inch screw". (See attached article...HUD paid $22.00 for a 1.5 inch Phillips Head Screw.) It has been a pleasure to pay my tax bill this year, and I look forward to paying it again next year

For the week of April 8,  2000
The Jewish Holiday of Passover is beginning next week so here's a humorous groaner tribute to Passover!

As Moses and the Children of Israel were crossing through the parted Red Sea, Moses heard cries about how thirsty they were after walking so far. Unfortunately, the water was salty and not drinkable. Miraculously, a fish appeared from the wall of water and told Moses that she and her family heard the pleas of the people. The fish said to Moses that she and her family would remove the salt from the water by passing it through their gills and forcing it out of their mouths. The water would be fresh like a fountain from which the Israelites could drink as they walked by. Moses accepted this kindly offer. To remember the miracle of the fish who transformed salt water to fresh water, Moses let it be known that hence forth the Sedar to honor the Exodus would always include "Gill Filter Fish"

For the week of April 1,  2000
How about a reverse April Fools where the Truth is out there
but maybe not on those forwarded emails.
Debunking all of us "Fools" on the Internet :)

1. Big companies don't do business via chain letters.
Bill Gates is not giving you $1000, and Disney is not
giving you a free vacation. There is no baby food
company issuing class-action checks. Procter and
Gamble is not part of a satanic cult or scheme,
and its logo is not satanic. MTV will not give you
backstage passes if you forward something to the most
people. You can relax; there is no need to pass it on
"just in case it's true". Furthermore, just because
someone said in a message, four generations back, that
"we checked it out and it's legit", does not actually
make it true.

2. There is no kidney theft ring in New Orleans. No
one is waking up in a bathtub full of ice, even if a
friend of a friend swears it happened to their cousin. If you are
hell-bent on believing the kidney-theft ring stories, please see:
http://urbanlegends.tqn.com/library/weekly/aa062997.htm
And I quote: "The National Kidney Foundation has
repeatedly issued requests for actual victims of organ
thieves to come forward and tell their stories. None
have." That's "none" as in "zero". Not even your
friend's cousin.

3. Neiman Marcus doesn't really sell a $200 cookie
recipe. And even if they do, we all have it. And even
if you don't, you can get a copy at:
http://www.bl.net/forwards/cookie.html
Then, if you make the recipe, decide the cookies are
that awesome, feel free to pass the recipe on.

4. If the latest NASA rocket disaster(s) DID contain
plutonium that went to particulate over the eastern
seaboard, do you REALLY think this information would
reach the public via an AOL chainletter?

5. There is no "Good Times" virus. In fact, you
should never, ever, ever forward any email containing
any virus warning unless you first confirm that an
actual site of an actual company that actually deals
with viruses. Try: http://www.norton.com
And even then, don't forward it. We don't care. And
you cannot get a virus from a flashing IM or email,
you have to download....ya know, like, a FILE!

6. There is no gang initiation plot to murder any motorist who flashes
headlights at another car driving at night without lights.
7. If you're using Outlook, IE, or Netscape to write
email, turn off the "HTML encoding." Those of us on
Unix shells can't read it, and don't care enough to
save the attachment and then view it with a web
browser, since you're probably forwarding us a copy of
the Neiman Marcus Cookie Recipe anyway.

8. If you still absolutely MUST forward that
10th-generation message from a friend, at least have
the decency to trim the eight miles of headers showing
everyone else who's received it over the last 6
months. It sure wouldn't hurt to get rid of all the
"" that begin each line either. Besides, if it has
gone around that many times we've probably already
seen it.

9. Craig Shergold (or Sherwood, or Sherman, etc.) in
England is not dying of cancer or anything else at
this time and would like everyone to stop sending him
their business cards. He apparently is no longer a
"little boy" either.

10. The "Make a Wish" foundation is a real
organization doing fine work, but they have had to
establish a special toll free hot line in response to
the large number of Internet hoaxes using their good
name and reputation. It is distracting them from the
important work they do.

11. If you are one of those insufferable idiots who
forwards anything that "promises" something bad will
happen if you "don't," then something bad will happen
to you if I ever meet you in a dark alley.

12. Women really are suffering in Afghanistan, and PBS
and NEA funding are still vulnerable to attack
(although not at the present time) but forwarding an
e-mail won't help either cause in the least. If you
want to help, contact your local legislative
representative, or get in touch with Amnesty
International or the Red Cross. As a general rule,
e-mail "signatures" are easily faked and mean nothing
to anyone with any power to do anything about whatever
the competition is complaining about.


(P.S.: There is no bill pending before Congress that
will allow long-distance companies to charge you for
using the Internet.)

Bottom Line... composing e-mail or posting something
on the Net is as easy as writing on the walls of a
public restroom. Don't automatically believe it until
it's proven false... ASSUME it's false, unless there
is proof that it's true.

Now, forward this message to ten friends, and you
will win the Publishers Clearing House sweepstakes.

 

 

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