Joke of the Week 97

No Joke this week but please read the jokes below or go to the Christmas Humor page

Recently a guy in Paris nearly got away with stealing several paintings from the Louvre. However, after planning the crime, getting in and out and past security, he was captured only 2 blocks away when his Econoline ran out of gas. When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied:

A little girl and her mother were spending a day together. The girl, out of the blue, asked her mother, "Mommy, how old are you?"

The mother responded, "Honey, women don't talk about their age. You'll learn this as you get older.

The girl then asked, "Mommy, how much do you weigh?"

Her mother responded again, "That's another thing women don't talk about. You'll learn this, too, as you grow up."

The girl still wanting to know about her mother, then asked, "Mommy, Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?"

The mother, a little annoyed by the questions, responded, "Honey, that is a subject that makes me sad, and I don't want to talk about it now."

Later while at a friend's house the little girl asks her girlfriend about her conversation with her mother. The girlfriend explains, "All you have to do is peek at your mother's driver's license. It's just a like a report card from school. It tells you everything."

Later, the little girl and her mother are together when the little girl states, "Mommy, Mommy, I know how old you are. You're 32 years old."

The mother is very surprised, and asks, "Sweetheart, how do you know that?"

The little girl shrugs and says, "I just know. And I know how much you weigh. You weigh 130 pounds."

"Where did you learn that?"

The little girl says, "I just know. And I know why you and daddy got a divorce. You got an "F" in sex."

An Engineer's Approach to the Subject of Santa

1. NO KNOWN SPECIES OF REINDEER CAN FLY. But there are 300,000 species of living organisms yet to be classified, and while most of these are insects and germs, this does not completely rule out flying reindeer, which reindeer only Santa has ever seen.

2. THERE ARE 2 BILLION CHILDREN (PERSONS UNDER 18) IN THE WORLD. But, since Santa doesn't appear to handle Muslim, Hindu, Jewish and Buddhist children, that reduces his world load to 15% of the total - 378m. according to Population Reference Bureau. At an average (census) rate of 3* children per household, that's 91.8m. homes. One presumes there's at least one good child in each home.

3. 'SANTA' HAS 31 HOURS OF X-MAS TO WORK WITH, THANKS TO THE DIFFERENT TIME ZONES and the rotation of the Earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seems most logical). This works out to 822.6 visits per second. This is to say for each 'Christian' household with good children, Santa has 1/1000th of a second to park, hop out of the sleigh, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining [resents under the tree, eat whatever snack have been left, get back up the chimney, get back in the sleigh and move on to the next house. Assuming that each of the 91.8 m. stops are evenly distributed around the earth, (which we know to be false, but for purposes of calculation will accept), we are now talking about .78 miles per household, a total trip of 75* million miles, not counting the stops to do what most of us must do at least every 31 hours, plus feeding, etc. This means that Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second - a conventional reindeer conventional can run tops, 15 miles per hour.

4. The payload on the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium lego set, (2 pds.) the sled is carrying 321,000 tons, not counting Santa who is invariably described as overweight. On land, a conventional reindeer can carry no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that 'flying reindeer' (see pt. #1) could pull 10 times the normal amount we cannot do the job with even 8 or 9. We need 214,200 reindeer. This increases the payload - not even counting the weight of the sleigh, to 353,430 tons. Again for comparison this is 4 times the weight of Queen Elizabeth.

5. 353,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance. This will heat the reindeer up in the same fashion as a spacecraft reentering earth's atmosphere. The lead reindeer will absorb 14,3 quintillion joules of energy per second, each. In short they will burst into flames almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them and creating deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team will be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second. Santa meantime will be subjected to centrifugal forces 17,500.6 times greater than gravity. A 250 lb. Santa, (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of his sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force.

IN CONCLUSION: If Santa ever did deliver presents on Xmas eve, he's dead now. "

For the week of November 23, 1997

With Thanksgiving approaching this week's joke is a thought about that holiday.

Thanksgiving is a truly American Holiday where families all over the country sit to eat dinner at the same time; Halftime!!

A priest and a nun were returning from a tiring day on the road when their car broke down. They were unable to get it fixed, so they were forced to spend the night. As it would happen, the only hotel in the town had only one room available.

After assessing the situation the Priest said, "Sister, I don't think the Lord would object, under the circumstances, if we spent the night together in this one room. I'll sleep on the sofa, and you may have the bed."

The Nun replied, "I think that would be okay." They prepared for bed and each one took their agreed place in the room.

Just as the Priest was falling asleep, the Nun asked, "Father, I'm terribly cold. Could you get me a blanket?" The Priest replied, "Okay Sister, I'll get you a blanket." The Priest got the blanket and returned to the sofa.

As the priest was about to fall asleep a second time, the Nun once again requested, "Father, I'm still terribly cold. Could you get me another blanket?" The Priest replied "Okay Sister, I'll get you another blanket." He got the blanket and returned to the sofa.

As the priest was about to fall asleep for a third time, the Nun stated, "Father, I'm still terribly cold. I don't think the Lord would mind if we acted as man and wife just for this one night.
The Priest replied, "You're probably right. Get up and get your own damn blanket!"

A very shy man goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage, he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?" To which she responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.

After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."

Dracula went into a medical clinic to get some relief for his sore throat. The doctor told him, "Take two coffin drops and gargoyle in the morning."

Baseball, "America's Favorite Pastime," has reached its annual championship as the World Series is played this week. Of course, many of you may not realize that baseball was first discussed in the Bible. In Genesis God makes reference to Baseball. As you are probably aware Genesis starts, "In the Big Inning...."

A Jewish lawyer was troubled by the way his son turned out, and went to see his Rabbi about it.

"I brought him up in the faith, gave him a very expensive bar mitzvah, and it cost me a fortune to educate him. Then he tells me last week he has decided to be a Christian. Rabbi, where did I go wrong?"

"Funny you should come to me," said the Rabbi. "Like you I too brought my boy up in the faith, put him through the University, cost me a fortune, and then one day he too comes and tells me he has decided to become a Christian."

A man traveling across the country stops in a small town for some refreshment. He enters the local bar to find it deserted except for the bar tender. The tables are clean and tidy and the each has a basket of nuts at the center.

The man orders a drink and sits quietly at one of the tables. After a few moments he hears a voice say, "Nice tie." He looks about, but no one is in sight.

A couple of moments later he hears another voice say, "Great haircut." He looks about, but no one is around.

A moment later he hears another voice say, "Attractive shirt." Puzzled he approaches the bar tender and asks about the voices. The bar tender states, "Oh that. It is the nuts. They are complimentary!

The famous philosopher, Descartes, walks into a bar. The bar tender asks, "Can I get you a drink?"

A boy frog telephones the Psychic Hotline and his Personal Psychic Advisor tells him: "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you."

The frog is thrilled and exclaimed, "This is great! And where will I meet this beautiful young girl?"

"In her biology class," replied the psychic.

This week's "Joke of the Week is a collection of Oxymoron's from Ed Dunkleblau, Past President of American Association for Therapeutic Humor

Act naturally
Found missing
Resident alien
Advanced BASIC
Genuine imitation
Safe sex
Airline food
Good grief
Same difference
Almost exactly
Government organization
Sanitary landfill
Alone together
Legally drunk
Silent scream
British fashion
Living dead
Small crowd
Business ethics
Soft rock
Butt head
Military intelligence
Software documentation
New classic
Childproof
"Now, then ..."
Synthetic natural gas
Passive aggression
Taped live
Clearly misunderstood
Peace force
Temporary tax increase
Computer jock
Plastic glasses
Terribly pleased
Computer security
Political science
Tight slacks
Definite maybe
Pretty ugly
Twelve-ounce pound cake
Diet ice cream
Working vacation
Exact estimate
Religious tolerance
Microsoft Works

A Panda walks into a restaurant, sits down and orders a sandwich. After eating the sandwich, he pulls out a gun, shoots the waiter, and prepares to leave.

The manager shouts, "Where are you going. You ate your food, shot my waiter, and now you're leaving without paying!"

The Panda responds, "I am a Panda, that's what I do. If you don't believe me, look it up." With that the Panda slammed a dictionary on the table and exited the restaurant.

The manager being curious grabbed the dictionary and checked the definition for a Panda. He read: A tree dwelling marsupial of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves."

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.

Always remember to pillage before you burn.

The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.

It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.

If "clothes maketh the man" then it follows that naked people have little or no influence on society.

Important papers will demonstrate their importance by moving to where you can't find them.

The law of Probability Dispersal decrees that whatever it is that hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.

Indecision is the key to flexibility.

There is absolutely no substitute for a genuine lack of preparation.

Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

The facts, although interesting, are usually irrelevant.

The careful application of terror is also a form of communication.

Things are more like they are today than they ever have been before.

Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler.

Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.

If you can smile when things go wrong then you have someone in mind to blame.

One-seventh of your life is spent on Monday.

By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.

This is as bad as it can get -- but don't bet on it.

Never wrestle with a pig. You both get dirty but only the pig enjoys it.

The trouble with life is that you're halfway through it before you realize it's a "do it yourself" thing..

Drink varnish and you'll have a lovely finish.

We can sympathize with a child who is afraid of the dark, but the tragedy of life is that most people are afraid of the light.

If only the good die young then what does that say about senior citizens?

Employ teenagers - while they know everything.

The best antiques are old friends.

Down with gravity!

Nobody's perfect and since I'm nobody...!

People who eat natural foods die from natural causes.

Why is there only one Monopolies Commission?

Some day my ship will come in, but with my luck, I'll be at the airport.

Age is a case of mind over matter. If you don't mind then it really doesn't matter.

A friend in need may turn out to be a nuisance.

When the cat's away there are fewer hairs on the armchair.

An expert is nothing more than an ordinary person away from home.

If you can't be kind, be vague.

George Burns always wanted to live to be 100 because very few people die over the age of 100.

A young executive was leaving the office at 6pm when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in hand.

"Listen," said the CEO, "this is important, and my secretary has left. Can you make this thing work?"

"Certainly," said the young executive. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.

"Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine. "I just need one copy."

A man was driving down the road when a pig feel off a truck ahead of him. The man stopped and put the pig in his car. A few minutes later he was stopped by a police officer. When the officer approached the man said, "This pig feel off a truck. What should I do with him?"

The next day the officer once again saw the man driving with the pig in his car. The officer stopped the car and said, "I thought I told you to take that pig to the zoo!"

"You did," replied the man. "In fact, we had such a good time at the zoo yesterday that we decided to go to the beach today."

A man walks into a bar and orders 3 shots of whisky. He drinks the shots, pays, and leaves.
He then repeats this process at the same time every day for the next 2 weeks.
Finally, the bartender, out of curiosity, asks the man, "Why do you come in each day, order 3 drinks, and leave."
The man replies, "One drink is for me and the others are for my 2 buddies who live out of town and asked me to have a drink for them."
After another 2 weeks of the same routine, the man arrives but this time only orders 2 drinks.
Surprised the bartender queries, "I see you are only having 2 drinks. Did something happen to one of your buddies."
"Oh, no," the man replies, "I just quit drinking!"

Three people approached St. Peter at the pearly gates of heaven. As first person approached,
St. Peter asked, "What did you do in your lifetime to benefit humanity?"
The person replied, "I was a scientist and invented a new medicine that saved the lives of thousands."
St. Peter replied, "Welcome! Enjoy your stay."

As the second person approached, St. Peter again asked, "What did you do in your lifetime to benefit humanity?"
The person replied, "I was a teacher and educated thousands of children."
St. Peter replied, "Welcome! Enjoy your stay."

As the third person approached, St. Peter again asked, "What did you do in your lifetime to benefit humanity?"
The person replied, "I was the head of a large managed health care company and provided health care for thousands of men, women, and children."
St. Peter replied, "Welcome, enjoy your stay, but please remember you can stay only three days."

A woman frantically calls the fire department to report a fire in the neighborhood.

In a certain suburban neighborhood, there were two brothers, 8 and 10 years old, who were exceedingly mischievous. Whatever went wrong in the neighborhood, it turned out they had had a hand in it.

Their parents were at their wits' end trying to control them. Hearing about a priest nearby who worked with delinquent boys, the mother suggested to the father that they ask the priest to talk with the boys. The father replied, "Sure, do that before I kill them!"

The mother went to the priest and made her request. He agreed, but said he wanted to see the younger boy first and alone. So the mother sent him to the priest. The priest sat the boy down across a huge, impressive desk he sat behind. For about five minutes they just sat and stared at each other.

Finally, the priest pointed his forefinger at the boy and asked, "Where is God?" The boy looked under the desk, in the corners of the room, all around, but said nothing. Again, louder, the priest pointed at the boy and asked, "Where is God?" Again the boy looked all around but said nothing. A third time, in a louder, firmer voice, the priest leaned far across the desk and put his forefinger almost to the boy's nose, and asked, "Where is God?"

The boy panicked and ran all the way home. Finding his older brother, he dragged him upstairs to their room and into the closet, where they usually plotted their mischief. He finally said, "We are in BIIIIG trouble." The older boy asked, "What do you mean, BIIIIG trouble?" His brother replied, "God is missing and they think we did it."

A man and his dog walk into a bar. The man says to the bartender, "If you give me a drink, I will have my dog talk."

The bartender gives the man a drink, and the man says to the dog, "What's on top of a house?" The dog growls, "Roof."

The man then says, "What is the surface of sand paper?" The dog barks, "Ruff."

The man then asks, "Who is the greatest baseball player of all time?" The dog barks, "Ruth."

The bartender feeling deceived throws the man and the dog out the door. The dog turns to the man and asks, "DiMaggio?"

An older gentleman is playing a round of golf. Suddenly his ball slices and lands in a shallow pond. As he is attempting to retrieve the ball he discovers a frog who says: "Kiss me, and I will change into an beautiful princess, and I will give you great sex." He picks up the frog and places it in his pocket. As he continue to play golf the frog repeats its message: "Kiss me, and I will change into an beautiful princess, and I will give you great sex." The man continues to play his golf game and once again the frog says: "Kiss me,and I will change into an beautiful princess, and I will give you great sex." Finally, the old man turns to the frog and exclaims: "At my age I'd rather have a talking frog!"

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