Joke of the Week April- June, 1999
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For the week of June 27, 1999
An 85-year-old couple, after being married for almost 60 years, died in a car crash. They had been in good health the last ten years, mainly due to her interest in health food and exercising. When they reached the Pearly Gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion, which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen, master bath suite and a Jacuzzi. As they looked around, the old man asked St. Peter how much all this was going to cost. "It's free," St. Peter replied, "this is Heaven."
Next, they went out in the back yard to survey the championship-style golf course that the home was located. They would have golfing privileges every day and each week, the course changed to a new one representing the great golf courses on earth. The old man asked, "What are the green fees?" St. Peter replied, "This is heaven, you play for free."
Next, they went to the club house and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisine of the World laid out. "How much to eat?" asked the old man. "Don't you understand yet? This is heaven, it is free!" St. Peter replied, with some exasperation. "Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol tables?" the old man asked timidly. St. Peter lectured, "That's the best part - you can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick. This is Heaven."
With that, the old man went into a fit of anger, throwing down his hat and stomping on it, and screaming wildly. St. Peter and his wife both tried to calm him down, asking him what was wrong. The old man looked at his wife and said, "This is all your fault! If it weren't for your blasted bran muffins, I could have been here ten years ago!"
For the week of June 20, 1999,
We have The following Father's Day Humor
Four expectant fathers were in Minneapolis hospital waiting room, while their wives were in labor. The nurse arrived and announced to the first man, "Congratulations sir! You're the father of twins!" "What a coincidence" the man said with some obvious pride. "I work for the Minnesota Twins baseball team."
The nurse returned in a little while and turned to the second man, "You sir, are the father of triplets!" "Wow, That's really an incredible coincidence " he answered. "I work for the 3M Corporation. My buddies at work will never let me live this one down."
An hour later, while the other two men were passing cigars around, the nurse came back, this time she turned to the 3rd man who had been quiet in the corner. She announced that his wife had just given birth to quadruplets. Stunned, he barely could reply. "Don't tell me! Another coincidence?" asked the nurse. After finally regaining his composure, he said "I don't believe it, I work for the Four Seasons Hotel."
After hearing this, everybody's attention turned to the 4th guy, who had just fainted, flat out on the floor. The nurse rushed to his side and after some time, he slowly regained consciousness. When he was finally able to speak, you could hear him whispering repeatedly the same phrase over and over again: "I should have never taken that job at 7-Eleven... "I should have never taken that job at 7-Eleven... "I should have never taken that job at 7-Eleven..."
Father's Day Funnies from
Today at work, the boss wanted to know when Father's Day
was. "Easy," I answered. "It's nine months before Mother's
"If my son is getting half as much out of college as the
college is getting out of me, he'll be a success."
Father's Day was both a joy and a worry as my kids were
growing up. I was always afraid they were going to give
me a present that I couldn't afford.
I've got 3 TVs, cable, & a satellite dish; I have 3 phone
lines in the house, a cell phone & one in the car, plus a
pager. I use 2 computers, 3 ISP's and a fax. I subscribe
to two daily papers & one weekly one. I watch both the
local & network news every evening. And my kids have the
nerve to tell me I'm out of touch.
With divorce and remarriage so common these days, pity
the poor kids. Most of them know what to buy for Father's
Day -- they just don't know which "Father" to give it to.
Neither of my kids ever understood my logic. Both of them
failed to see why they had to go to bed when I was tired.
A friend of mine had 5 kids. When the youngest finally
turned 16, and was the last one left at home, my friend
posted a sign on the kid's bedroom door: "Check-out time
If I Had My Child to Raise Over Again
If I had my child to raise all over again, I'd finger-paint more, and point the finger less. I'd do less correcting, and more connecting. I'd take my eyes off my watch, and watch with my eyes. I would care to know lees, and know to care more. I'd take more hikes and fly more kites. I'd stop playing serious, and seriously play. I'd run through more fields, and gaze at more stars. I'd do more hugging, and less tugging. I would be firm less often and affirm much more. I'd build self-esteem first, and the house later. I'd teach less about the love of power, and more about the power of love.
Diane Loomas - Full Esteem Head: 100 Ways to Build Self-Esteem in Children & Adults
For the week of June 13, 1999
A homeless man asked a tourist for $2. The tourist asked, "Will you buy booze?" The homeless man said, "No." The tourist asked, "Will you gamble it away?" The homeless man said, "No." Then the tourist asked, "Will you come home with me so my wife can see what happens to a man who doesn't drink or gamble?"
For the week of June 6, 1999
A donkey had an IQ of 186, and yet he had no friends.
Apparently even in the animal kingdom, nobody likes a smart-ass.
For the week of May 30, 1999
Moses, Jesus, and an older bearded guy were playing a round of golf. Moses stepped up to the tee and hit the ball. It headed toward the water. Quickly, Moses raised his club and the water parted and the ball rolled to the other side into the green. Next, Jesus came up to putt. He hit it toward the same water hole. This time it hovered for a few seconds over the water. Casually, Jesus walked over to it and chipped it over to the green. The older man teed up and whacked the ball which headed over to oncoming traffic. It bounced off the top of a truck and rolled down the gutter of a nearby house. It landed safely on a lily pad in a small pond where a large bullfrog swallowed it. At that moment a large eagle swooped down and grabbed the frog. As they passed over the golf course, the frog burped and the ball fell out of his mouth and into the hole for a beautiful hole in one. Moses turned to Jesus and said, '' I hate playing with your dad.''
For the week of May 23, 1999
A mangy looking guy who goes into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says: "No way. I don't think you can pay for it." The guy says, "You're right. I don't have any money, but if I show you something you haven't seen before, will you give me a drink?" The bartender says, "Only if what you show me ain't risqué." "Deal!" says the guy and reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out a hamster. He puts the hamster on the bar and it runs to the end of the bar, down the bar, across the room, up the piano, jumps on the key board and starts playing Gershwin songs. And the hamster is really good.
The bartender says, "You're right. I've never seen anything like that before. That hamster is truly good on the piano." The guy downs the drink and asks the bartender for another. "Money or another miracle else no drink", says the bartender. The guy reaches into his coat again and pulls out a frog. He puts the frog on the bar, and the frog starts to sing. He has a marvelous voice and great pitch. A fine singer.
A stranger from the other end of the bar runs over to the guy and offers him $300 for the frog. The guy says "It's a deal." He takes the three hundred and gives the stranger the frog. The stranger runs out of the bar. The bartender says to the guy "Are you some kind of nut? You sold a singing frog for $300? It must have been worth millions. You must be crazy." "Not so", says the guy. "The hamster is also a ventriloquist."
For the week of May 16, 1999
In Honor of the Phantom Menace which opens this week comes the following groaner.
Luke and Obi-Wan are in a Chinese restaurant having a meal. Skillfully using his chopsticks, Obi-Wan deftly dishes himself a large portion of noodles into his bowl, then tops it off with some chicken and cashew nuts. All this is done with consummate ease you'd expect from a Jedi Master. Anyway, poor old Luke is having a nightmare, using his chopsticks in both hands, dropping his food all over the table and eventually himself. Obi-Wan looks at Luke disapprovingly and says, "Use the forks, Luke."
For the week of May 9, 1999
In Honor of Mother's Day this week's "Joke" is:
Blessed are those who hunger and thirst, for they are sticking to their diets.
Life is an endless struggle full of frustrations and challenges, but eventually you find a hairstylist you like.
One of the life's mysteries is how a two pound box of candy can make a woman gain five pounds.
It's frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
If you can remain calm, you just don't have all the facts.
I finally got my head together, and my body fell apart.
The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing in the right place, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.
Time may be a great healer, but it's also a lousy beautician.
Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.
Age doesn't always bring wisdom. Sometimes age comes alone.
Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.
Sometimes I think I understand everything, then I regain consciousness.
If at first you don't succeed, see if the loser gets anything.
You don't stop laughing because you grow old; you grow old because you stop laughing.
I don't mind the rat race, but I could do with a little more cheese.
I had to give up jogging for my health.
My thighs kept rubbing together and setting my pantyhose on fire.
You just hang something in your closet for a while, and it shrinks two sizes.
It is bad to suppress laughter; it goes back down and spreads to your hips.
Age is important only if you're cheese or wine.
The only time a woman wishes she were a year older is when she is expecting a baby.
Freedom of the press means no-iron clothes.
Inside some of us is a thin person struggling to get out, but she can usually be sedated with a few pieces of chocolate cake. Can it be a mistake that "STRESSED" is "DESSERTS" spelled backwards.
For the week of May 2, 1999
Life In Russia
Morris, a Russian man saves his rubles for twenty years to buy a new car. After choosing the model and options he wants, he's not the least bit surprised or even concerned to learn that it will take two years for the new car to be delivered. He thanks the salesman and starts to leave, but as he reaches the door he pauses and turns back to the salesman "Do you know which week two years from now the new car will arrive?" he asks. The salesman checks his notes and tells the man that it will be two years to the exact week.
The man thanks the salesman and starts out again, but upon reaching the door, he turns back again. "Could you possibly tell me what day of the week two years from now the car will arrive?" The salesman, mildly annoyed, checks his notes again and says that it will be exactly two years from this week, on Thursday.
Morris thanks the salesman and once again starts to leave. Halfway though the door, he hesitates, turns back, and walks up to the salesman. "I'm sorry to be so much trouble, but do you know if that will be two years from now on Thursday in the morning, or in the afternoon?" Visibly irritated, the salesman flips through his papers yet another time and says sharply that it will be in the afternoon, two years from now on Thursday. "That's a relief !" says Morris. "The plumber is coming that morning!"
For the week of April 25, 1999
This week's "joke" is a collection of fractured phrases.
If you get them all you are a better man, woman or child than I : o)
HARLEZ-VOUS FRANCAIS?---Can you drive a French motorcycle?
EX POST FACTO---Information lost in the mail
IDIOS AMIGOS---We're wild and crazy guys
VENI, VIPI, VICI---I came, I'm a very important person, conquered.
COGITO, EGGO SUM---I think, therefore I am a waffle
RIGOR MORRIS---The cat is dead
RESPONDEZ S'IL VOUS PLAID---Honk if you're Scottish
QUE SERA SERF---Life is feudal
LE ROI EST MORT. JIVE LE ROI---The king is dead. No kidding
POSH MORTEM---Death styles of the rich and famous
PRO BOZO PUBLICO---Support your local clown
MONAGE A TROIS---I am three years old
FELIX NAVIDAD---Our cat has a boat
HASTE CUISINE---Fast French food
VENI, VIDI, VICE---I came, I saw, I partied
QUIP PRO QUO --- fast retort
ALOHA OY---Love; greetings; farewell; from such a pain you should never know
MAZEL TON---tons of luck
APRES MOE LE DELUGE---Larry and Curly got wet
ICH LIEBE RICH---I'm really crazy about having dough
FIU GENERIS---What's mine is mine
VISA LA FRANCE---Don't leave your chateau without it
CA VA SANS DIRT---And that's not gossip
MERDI RIEN---Thanks for nothin'!
AMICUS PURIAE---Platonic friend
L'ETAT, C'EST MOO---I'm bossy around here
For the week of April 18, 1999
A man follows a woman out of a movie theatre. She has a dog on a leash. He stops her and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I couldn't help but notice that your dog was really into the movie. He cried at the right spots, he moved nervously in his seat at the boring parts, but most of all, he laughed like crazy at the funny parts. Did you find that unusual??" "Yes," she replied, "I found it very unusual ...because he hated the book!"