“My belief is that we are going to eventually discover that the most dramatic health
benefits of humor are not in laughter, but in the cognitive and emotional management
that humorous experiences provide. The experience of humor relieves emotional
distress and assists in changing negative thinking patterns.”
Steven M. Sultanoff, Ph.D.

Notable Quotables 1999

For 1998 quote of the week click here.

For the week of December 26, 1999
Today begins the rush of Christmas returns. 
According to a news broadcast, 1 in 5 Christmas gifts are returned. 
When that in mind comes the following suggestion from a carton:

To avoid breakage, keep bottom on top. 
Top marked bottom to avoid confusion.

For the week of December 19, 1999

This is the last quote before Christmas, and for the convenience of all you last minute shoppers comes  a sign from the front door of a Boston supermarket:

For your convenience, we will be closed Christmas Day.

For the week of December 12, 1999

From a headline in the Springfield Massachusetts Daily News comes this week's holiday quote:

Christmas Sale of Methodist Women at West-Side Church

For the week of December 5, 1999

From a BBC radio announcer comes the following Christmas selcvetion

We now will hear Deck Your Balls with Halls of Helly...Deck Your Bells with Balls of Holly...er...a Christmas selection

For the week of November 28, 1999

From an unnamed Chicago politician during a debate

I don't want to cast asparagus at my opponent!!

For the week of November 21, 1999

From  About Women on Campus, a newsletter published by the National Association for Women in Education, as reported in Chronicles of Higher Education

More than half (55 percent) of women undergraduates are female.

For the week of November 14, 1999

With the college football season heating up comes the following quote from Paul Pasqualoni, Syracuse football coach

Football coaches have a way to get it done with what they give you.  you're going to get it done.  If you don't get it done, you don't have to worry about getting it done because you're done.

For the week of November 7, 1999

With elections this past week comes another former vice president Dan Quayle quote.  When attempting to explain the difference between the House and Senate Quayle stated:

There are lots more people in the House.  I don't know how many exactly--I never counted but at least a couple hundred.

For the week of October 31, 1999

This week's wrote is a baseball Halloween visual. 
From Padres radio announcer Jerry Coleman describing a play on a fly ball.

Winfield goes back to the wall.
He hits his head on the wall and it rolls off!! 
It's rolling all the way back to second base. 
This is a terrible thing for the Padres!

For the week of October 24, 1999

Yesterday began the 1999 "Fall Classic.". 
This year the New York Yankees and Atlanta Braves face off again. 
With that in mind comes this week's quote form the famous Yankee's catcher Yogi Berra

It's déjà vu all over again.

For the week of October 17, 1999

With the baseball playoffs and World Series soon to be played,
comes the following quote from Dizzy Dean explaining how he felt after being hit on the head by a ball in the 1934 World Series

The doctors X-rayed my head and found nothing.

For the week of October 10, 1999

From David Dinkins, New York City Mayor comes a political response to a direct question.
When asked about the accusations that he failed to pay his taxes he responded:

"I haven't committed a crime.
What I did was fail to comply with the law"

For the week of October 3, 1999

With the political races beginning to heat up, comes this week's quote from former vice president Dan Quayle while discussing the concept of a mission to Mars.

[It's] time for the humor race to enter the solar system.

For the week of September 26, 1999

From Mark Fowler, FCC Chairman comes a quote I almost did not have the heart to share but here it is anyway!

If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night.  And the next morning when they wake up dead---there'll be a record.

For the week of September 19, 1999

With the beginning of football season comes the same goal for all NFL teams. 
This quote is from Former Houston Oiler and Florida State Coach Bill Peterson:

Men, I want you just thinking of one word all season. 
One word and one word only: Super Bowl.

For the week of September 12, 1999
While this week's quote is from Yankee catcher Yogi Berra, it seems appropriate for the Jewish High Holy days.

This is the earliest I've ever been late.

For the week of September 5, 1999
From a sign in a Jacksonville, FL bookstore.

Rare, Out-of-Print, and Non-Existent Books.

For the week of August 29, 1999
The following quote, from former Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC,
is sure to put you at ease when visiting the nation's capital.
 
Outside of the killings,
Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country.

For the week of August 22, 1999
From Frank Rizzo, ex-police chief and mayor of Philadelphia,
comes the following quote of the cause of crime in Philadelphia.

The streets are safe in Philadelphia.
It's only the people who make them unsafe.

For the week of August 15, 1999
Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss Universe contest on immortality and circular thinking

Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?

Answer: I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever.

For the week of August 8, 1999
From Matt Lauer on NBC's Today show, August 22, 199?

Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana...The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two, but can't remember what they are.

For the week of August 1, 1999

From the "Did he really say that" category comes the following short-sighted quote from the year 1981 from Bill Gates, head of Microsoft

640K ought to be enough for anybody.

For the week of July 25, 1999

This week's quote comes from a Churchdown Parish magazine in Gloucestershire, England

Would the congregation please note that the bowl at the back of the church labeled "For the Sick" is for monetary donations only.

For the week of July 18, 1999

Since Yogi Berra caught the "first ball" for this year's All Star game the following is a classic Berra quote:

Reporter:   How are things going for you?

Berra: I'm straddling the other side of the fence right now.

For the week of July 18, 1999

This week we have a somewhat dubious advertising claim from the Oxhey Lane Farm Shop, U.K..

Prize Winning Handmade Sausages:
Once Tasted You'll Never Want Another.

For the week of July 11, 1999

With the American Women Defeating China in the World Cup of Soccer and the Baseball All Star Game this week come some quotes from our athletes.

In the dumb answers category comes the following question and response.

Tom Seaver: What time is it?

Yogi Berra: You mean now?

From New York Mets pitcher Jeff Innis, commenting on a bad photograph of himself:

That picture was taken out of context.



From Baseball great Dizzy Dean comes the following temporal shift:

The Yankees, as I told you later, are in a slump.

For the week of July 4, 1999
(Today's quote is borrowed from the page a day calendar "The 365 Stupidest Things Ever Said")

The following quote is from President Bill Clinton, criticizing anti government rhetoric during a political campaign.  (The original quote, quoted by Clinton, actually comes from Lincoln's Gettysburg Address.)

The last time I checked, the Constitution said, "of the people, by the people and for the people."  That's what the Declaration of Independence says.

For the week of June 27, 1999

Some of you may be aware that a new subway opened in Los Angeles last week.  In honor of the opening comes the following announcement from a train that stopped at a British railroad station on a Sunday.

You are not to board this train which has only stopped to let you know that it does not stop here on Sundays.

For the week of June 20, 1999
The following quote is in honor of Father's and Men Everywhere

The quote is from Ralph DeLeonardis, minor league baseball umpire,
commenting on a disputed call:

I Blew It The Way I Saw It!

For the week of June 13, 1999

From the doctor patient relationship comes the following:

Doctor:   What is your maximum weight?

Patient: Two hundred and thirty-three pounds.

Doctor: And what is the least you have ever weighed?

Patient: Eight Pounds, three and a half ounces.

For the week of June 6, 1999

Before becoming the judge for The People's Court, Ed Koch was the mayor of New York.   The following quote comes from his term as mayor.

Life is indeed precious, and I believe the death penalty helps to affirm this fact.

For the week of May 30, 1999

With Chernobyl in the news this week comes the following quote of how to protect oneself from nuclear radiation:

All you have to do [to protect yourself from radiation] is go down to the bottom of your swimming pool and hold your breath.

For the week of May 23, 1999

This week's quote comes from an apology printed in a 1973 issue of World Magazine

If you bought our course, "How to Fly Solo in Six Easy Lessons," we apologize for any inconvenience caused by our failure to include the last chapter, "How to Land Your Plane Safely."  Send us your name and address and we will send you the last chapter posthaste.  Requests by estates also honored.

For the week of May 16, 1999

With the opening of The Phantom Menace one of the quotes this week is from Jedi Knight Obi-Wan Kenobi
May the Force be with you.

This week's second quote is dedicated to the ever rising stock market.  From Jim Coleman former Assistant U.S. Attorney, here is some questionable advice on buying stock.

It's better to buy a $1 stock if it goes up 100%, than to buy a $50 stock that will go up 100%.

For the week of May 9, 1999

In Honor of Mother's Day and of Women Everywhere this week's quote is a bit more serious

Behind Every Good Woman is Herself!

For the week of May 2, 1999

The following quote is attributed to Ivana Trump after writing her first novel.

Fiction writing is great. You can make up almost anything.

For the week of April 25, 1999
From Attorney General Janet Reno comes the following "verdict"

I always wait until a jury has spoken before I anticipate what they will do.

For the week of April 18, 1999

This week's quote on verbosity comes from former vice-president and famous blooper scooper, Dan Quayle.

Verbosity leads to unclear, inarticulate things.

For the week of April 11, 1999

During these Taxing Times remember the words of Reverend S. M Smith, (Pittsburgh); although it may be little consolation!

What if you are underpaid?  Know the joy of being worth more than you get--the pure joy of unrecognized superiority.

For the week of April 4, 1999

Who needs Jack Kevorkian, try this headline from the Orlando Sentinel

Miami Man Admits Taking His Own Life

For the week of March 28, 1999

This week's quote comes from singer/actress, Cher on the question of the direction of her life.

I've been up and down so many times that I feel as if I'm in a revolving door

For the week of March 21, 1999

This week's quote comes from a headline in the St. Louis, MO Globe Democrat.  It reports a truly amazing medical miracle.

Woman Born Feb. 29 Has Baby Same Day

For the week of March 14, 1999
From the "can you make sense out of this" file comes the following line from Article 6, Paragraph 82, Subsection Division 3, New York State Vehicle and Traffic Law

Two vehicles which are passing each other in opposite directions shall have the right of way.

For the week of March 7, 1999

This week's quote comes from the world of game shows.

Game-Show host: Name a drink made from fermented pears.

Contestant: Apple Juice.

For the week of February 28, 1999

Now that basketball season is a slam dunk this week's quote is from the LA Laker Center, Shaquille O'Neal, on his lack of championships,

"I've won at every level, except college and pro."

For the week of February 21, 1999

From the "it is hard to forget file" comes the following clip from an association dinner theater program.

The Southeastern Georgia Alzheimer's Chapter presents a dinner cabaret, "A Night To Remember."

For the week of February 14, 1999
(I hope that the following quote is true and accurate.  I apologize in advance if it is in error.)

From: USA TODAY/Monday, February 8, 1999
Mariah Carey was one of the first celebrities to comment on the death of the King of Jordan.
Mariah told CNN:

"I'm inconsolable at the present time. I was a very good friend of Jordan, he was probably the greatest basketball player this country has ever seen, we will never see his like again."

When told by reporters that it was King Hussein of Jordan who had died and not Michael Jordan, Mariah was then led away by her security in a state of "confusion."

For the week of February 7, 1999

This week's quote on timing finds its way to us from the Lancaster, (Ohio) Eagle-Gazette

Health department says death certificates are to be ordered one week in advance of death.

For the week of January 31, 1999

Today is the Super Bowl.  This quote is from the world of basketball but can apply to all sports!  Jack Kraft, Villanova basketball coach , on losing a key player during the last minutes of a tight game retorted: 

That was the nail that broke the coffin's back.

For the week of January 24, 1999

This week's quote comes from a contestant on the game show Family Feud. 

Game show host Richard Dawson, "In which month is a woman most likely to show her pregnancy?" 

Contestant "September!"

For the week of January 17, 1999

In this week's quote we return to the political world.  This quote is from Georgia state representative Anne Mueller, complaining to the Georgia speaker Tom Murphy that her microphone was turned off.  

Mr. Speaker, will you please turn me on?

Speaker Murphy responded: "Thirty years ago, I would have tried."

For the week of January 10, 1999
As we look ahead to the new year, I am again reminded of the the famous quote by Yogi Berra.

The future isn't what is used to be.

For the week of January 1, 1999

With the new year upon us and decisions ahead, comes the following quote attributed
to famous Yankees catcher Yogi Berra, although many believe that he never actually said it.

If you come to a fork in the road, take it.

Do you have a favorite funny quote??? If so share it with us for possible inclusion in the Quote of the Week.

Keep checking for updates and new additions. Changes to this site are made weekly. Please e-mail us with suggestions or additions for this site.