HumorMatterstm
Thanksgiving
Thanksgiving is a traditional American Holiday where families all over the United States sit for dinner at the same time---Halftime
Ode to Thanksgiving
To our national birds
The American Eagle
The Thanksgiving Turkey
May one give us peace in all our states
And the other a piece for all our plates
Getting Along Like Cats and Dogs
Black November
(A Turkey's Lament)
Turkey Tan
Open Your Family's Eyes at the Table
Twas the Nite Before Thanksgiving
12 Reasons to be Thankful you Burnt the Bird!
Thanksgiving Top 10
That Sound Dirty But Aren't
(Contains some sexual innuendo)
True Stories From The Butterball
Turkey Hotline,
where people call to get advice
how to cook a Turkey from the experts
* Thanksgiving Dinner on the run. A woman called 1-800-323-4848 to
find out how long it would take to roast her turkey. To answer
the question, the Talk-Line home economist asked how much the
bird weighed. The woman responded, "I don't know, it's still
running around outside."
* Tofu turkey? No matter how you slice it, Thanksgiving just isn't
Thanksgiving without turkey. A restaurant owner in California
wanted to know how to roast a turkey for a vegetarian menu
* Then there's the time a lady was picking through the frozen
turkeys at the grocery store, but couldn't find one big enough
for her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get
any bigger?" The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."
The Silver Lining to the Burning Question
You Burnt the Bird?
A Dozen Reasons to Be Thankful!
-
Salmonella won't be a concern
-
No one will overeat.
-
Everyone will think it's Cajun Blackened.
-
Uninvited guests will think twice next year.
-
Your cheese broccoli lima bean casserole will gain newly found appreciation.
-
Pets won't pester you for scraps.
-
The smoke alarm was due for a test.
-
Carving the bird will provide a good cardiovascular workout.
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After dinner, the guys can take the bird to the yard and play football.
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The less turkey Uncle George eats, the less likely he will be to walk around with his pants unbuttoned.
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You'll get to the desserts quicker.
-
You won't have to face three weeks of turkey sandwiches.
Source: Craig Boldman and Pete Matthews, authors of Every Excuse in the Book: 714 Ways to Say "It's Not My Fault."
What did the mother turkey say to
her disobedient children?If your father could see you now,
he'd turn over in his gravy!
Why do Pilgrims have trouble keeping their pants up?
'Cause they wear their belts on their hats!
What is the difference between a chicken and a turkey?
Chickens celebrate Thanksgiving!!
What is the Turkey's favorite black tie celebration?
The Butter Ball
How does a Turkey drink her wine?
In a gobble-let
How many turkeys does it take to change a lightbulb?
Just one but it takes 5 hours
Did you hear about the X-rated turkey?
It's served with very little dressing.
What do you get when you cross a turkey, the beach, and Broomhilda?
A turkey sand-witch
What kind of music did Pilgrims listen to?
Plymouth Rock!
Which side of the turkey has the most feathers?
The outside!
Why do turkeys eat so little?
Because they are always stuffed!
What did the turkey do in the Thanksgiving Day Parade?
He played his drumsticks!
The Turkey Popped Out of
the Oven
The Turkey popped out of the oven
and rocketed in to the air;
It knocked every plate off the table
and partly demolished a chair.
It ricocheted into a corner
and burst with a deafening boom,
Then splattered all over the kitchen,
completely obscuring the room.
It stuck to the walls and the windows,
it totally coated the floor,
There was turkey attached to the ceiling,
where there had never been turkey before..
It blanketed every appliance,
it smeared every saucer and bowl;
There wasn't a way I could stop it;
that turkey was out of control.
I scraped and I scraped with displeasure
and thought with chagrin as I mopped,
That I would never again stuff a turkey
with popcorn that hadn't been popped.
written by Jack Prelutsky
Humor Matters™
