HumorMatterstm
Valentines
With Valentines we think of love
and of course that's Amore
When the moon hits your
eye like a big pizza pie
That's amore.
When an eel bites your
hand and that's not what you planned
That's a moray.
When our habits are
strange and our customs deranged
That's our mores.
When your horse munches
straw and the bales total four
That's some more hay.
When Othello's poor
wife, she gets stabbed with a knife
That's a Moor, eh?
When a Japanese knight
used a sword in a fight
That's Sa...mur...ai.
A woman walks into a post office and
notices a middle-aged,
well-dressed man standing at the counter methodically placing
"Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. As he seals
each envelop he sprays it with a puff of perfume.
The woman's curiosity gets the better of her, so she goes up to the
man and asks what he is doing. The man replies, "I'm
sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'"
"But why?" she asks.
"Because I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies.
When was the first Valentine's day celebrated?
(I have no original source on this one so it may be fact or fiction.)
The lover's holiday has its beginnings in the 4th century B.C. in Rome. The Romans held an annual lottery wherein young men would draw a young woman's name from a box. The couple would be assigned to each other the entire year for entertainment and pleasure. This celebration, traditionally held on February 15, also included banquets, dancing and foot races run in the nude.
Around A.D. 496, early church fathers sought an end to the pagan practice, but knew better than to upset the citizens by removing the lottery completely. Instead, they had teenagers pull the names of saints from the box. The teen was supposed to spend the year emulating that saint's life as much as possible, which was probably not as much fun as naked marathons. St. Valentine was chosen as the patron saint of the new event, and young Roman men resorted to courting females by sending handwritten notes delivered on February 14.
"I just want to say, "I Love You..."
English........... I Love You
Spanish.......... Te Amo
French........... Je T'aime
German.......... lch Liebe Dich
Japanese....... Ai Shite Imasu
Italian............. Ti Amo
Chinese......... Wo Ai Ni
Swedish........ Jag Alskar Dig
Eskimo.......... Nagligivaget
Greek............ S'Agapo
Hawaiian....... Aloha Wau la Oe
Irish.............. Thaim In Grabh Leat
Hebrew......... Ani Ohev Otakh
Russian........ Ya Lyublyu Tyebya
Albanian....... Une Te Dua
Finnish......... Mina Rakkastan Sinua
Turkish........ Seni Seviyorum
Hungarian... Se Ret Lay
Persian....... Du Stet Daram
Maltese....... Jien Inhobbok
Catalan...... Testimo Molt
Redneck .... Nice Tits
Interpreting Dreams
After she woke up, a woman told her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine's day. What do you think it means?"
"You'll know tonight." he said.
That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it - to find a book entitled "The meaning of dreams"
Men and Sex
A recent study was made to find out what days men prefer to have sex? It was found that men preferred to engage in sexual activity on the days that started with "T":
Tuesday
Thursday
Thanksgiving
Today
Tomorrow
Thaturday and Thunday
Kids On Love and Marriage
HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY?
"You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming." Alan, age 10
"No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with." Kirsten, age 10
WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
"Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then." Camille, age 10
"No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married." Freddie, age 6
HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
"Married people usually look happy to talk to other people." Eddie, age 6
"You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids." Derrick, age 8
WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
"Both don't want no more kids." Lori, age 8
WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
"Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough." Lynnette, age 8
"On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date." Martin, age 10
WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?
"I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns." Craig, age 9
WHEN IS IT OK TO KISS SOMEONE?
"When they're rich." Pam, age 7
"The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that." Curt, age 7
"The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do." Howard, age 8
IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
"I don't know which is better, but I'll tell you one thing. I'm never going to have sex with my wife. I don't want to be all grossed out." Theodore, age 8
"It's better for girls to be single, but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them." Anita, age 9
"Single is better, for the simple reason that I wouldn't want to change no diapers. Of course, if I did get married, I'd just phone my mother and have her come over for some coffee and diaper-changing." Kirsten, age 10
HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?
"There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?" Kelvin, age 8
"You can be sure of one thing - the boys would come chasing after us just the same as they do now." Roberta, age 7
HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
"If you want to last with your man, you should wear a lot of sexy clothes, especially underwear that is red and maybe has a few diamonds on it." Lori, age 8
"Tell your wife that she looks pretty even if she looks like a truck." Ricky, age 10
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