HumorMatterstm

Valentines

 With Valentines we think of love 

and of course that's Amore

When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie
That's amore.

When an eel bites your hand and that's not what you planned
That's a moray.

When our habits are strange and our customs deranged
That's our mores.

When your horse munches straw and the bales total four
That's some more hay.

When Othello's poor wife, she gets stabbed with a knife
That's a Moor, eh?

When a Japanese knight used a sword in a fight
That's Sa...mur...ai.

A woman walks into a post office and notices a middle-aged,
well-dressed man standing at the counter methodically placing
"Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. As he seals
each envelop he sprays it with a puff of perfume.

The woman's curiosity gets the better of her, so she goes up to the
man and asks what he is doing. The man replies, "I'm
sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'"

"But why?" she asks.

"Because I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies.

When was the first Valentine's day celebrated?
(I have no original source on this one so it may be fact or fiction.)

The lover's holiday has its beginnings in the 4th century B.C. in Rome. The Romans held an annual lottery wherein young men would draw a young woman's name from a box. The couple would be assigned to each other the entire year for entertainment and pleasure. This celebration, traditionally held on February 15, also included banquets, dancing and foot races run in the nude.

Around A.D. 496, early church fathers sought an end to the pagan practice, but knew better than to upset the citizens by removing the lottery completely. Instead, they had teenagers pull the names of saints from the box. The teen was supposed to spend the year emulating that saint's life as much as possible, which was probably not as much fun as naked marathons. St. Valentine was chosen as the patron  saint of the new event, and young Roman men resorted to courting females by sending handwritten notes delivered on February 14.

"I just want to say, "I Love You..."

English........... I Love You

Spanish.......... Te Amo

French........... Je T'aime

German.......... lch Liebe Dich

Japanese....... Ai Shite Imasu

Italian............. Ti Amo

Chinese......... Wo Ai Ni

Swedish........ Jag Alskar Dig

Eskimo.......... Nagligivaget

Greek............ S'Agapo

Hawaiian....... Aloha Wau la Oe

Irish.............. Thaim In Grabh Leat

Hebrew......... Ani Ohev Otakh

Russian........ Ya Lyublyu Tyebya

Albanian....... Une Te Dua

Finnish......... Mina Rakkastan Sinua

Turkish........ Seni Seviyorum

Hungarian... Se Ret Lay

Persian....... Du Stet Daram

Maltese....... Jien Inhobbok

Catalan...... Testimo Molt

Redneck .... Nice Tits


Interpreting Dreams

After she woke up, a woman told her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine's day. What do you think it means?"

"You'll know tonight." he said.

That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it - to find a book entitled "The meaning of dreams"

Understanding Gender Differences

A Spanish teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.

 "House" for instance, is feminine: "la casa."
 "Pencil," however, is masculine: "el lapiz."

 A student asked, "What gender is 'computer'?"

 Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether "computer" should be a masculine or a feminine noun.

 Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.

 The men's group decided that "computer" should definitely be of the feminine gender ("la computadora"), because:

 1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;

 2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;

 3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and

 4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.


 The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine ("el computador"), because:

 1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;

 2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;

 3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and

 4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

 The women won.
 

Men and Sex

A recent study was made to find out what days men prefer to have sex? It was found that men preferred to engage in sexual activity on the days that started with "T":

Tuesday
Thursday
Thanksgiving
Today
Tomorrow
Thaturday and Thunday

I am a Man But I really tried

To Be 6 Again...

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, observing his wife, looking at
herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off he asked what
she'd like to have for her Birthday.

"I'd like to be six again", she replied, still looking in the mirror.

On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl
of Lucky Charms, and then took her to Six Flags theme park. What a day!
He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the
Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, everything there was. Five hours later they staggered
out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.

He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with
extra fries and a chocolate shake.

Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy,
M&M's. What a fabulous adventure! Finally she wobbled home with her
husband and collapsed into bed exhausted. He leaned over his wife with a big smile
and lovingly asked, "Well Dear, what was it like being six again??"

Her eyes slowly opened and her _expression suddenly changed. "I meant my
dress size, You dumb ass!"

The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it
wrong.

Kids On Love and Marriage

 HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY?  

"You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming." Alan, age 10

"No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with." Kirsten, age 10

WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?  

"Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then." Camille, age 10

  "No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married." Freddie, age 6

HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?

"Married people usually look happy to talk to other people."  Eddie, age 6

"You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids." Derrick, age 8

WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON? 

"Both don't want no more kids." Lori, age 8

  WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?

"Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough."  Lynnette, age 8

"On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date." Martin, age 10

WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?

  "I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns." Craig, age 9

WHEN IS IT OK TO KISS SOMEONE?

"When they're rich." Pam, age 7

  "The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that."  Curt, age 7

"The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do." Howard, age 8

IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?

  "I don't know which is better, but I'll tell you one thing. I'm never going to have sex with my wife. I don't want to be all grossed out." Theodore, age 8

  "It's better for girls to be single, but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them." Anita, age 9

"Single is better, for the simple reason that I wouldn't want to change no diapers. Of course, if I did get married, I'd just phone my mother and have her come over for some coffee and diaper-changing." Kirsten, age 10

  HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?

"There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?" Kelvin, age 8

"You can be sure of one thing - the boys would come chasing after us just the same as they do now." Roberta, age 7

HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK? 

"If you want to last with your man, you should wear a lot of sexy clothes, especially underwear that is red and maybe has a few diamonds on it."  Lori, age 8

"Tell your wife that she looks pretty even if she looks like a truck." Ricky, age 10

Of Men and Women

WOMAN'S POEM:

Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong.
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door.
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,
Knows what to answer to 'how big is my behind?'
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And always be my very best friend.


A MAN'S POEM:

I pray for a deaf-mute gymnast nymphomaniac with
huge boobs who owns a bar on a golf course,
and loves to send me fishing and drinking. This
doesn't rhyme and I don't give a damn.

The Complexity of Men and Women

 

 

Philosophy on Relationships

 

ROMANCE MATHEMATICS

Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy
 

OFFICE ARITHMETIC

Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime
 

SHOPPING MATH

A man will pay $20 for a $10 item he needs.
A woman will pay $10 for a $20 item that she doesn't need.
 

GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
 

HAPPINESS

To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
 

LONGEVITY

Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more willing to die.
 

 

PROPENSITY TO CHANGE

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.
 

 

DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE

A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
 

HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED
Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.