Definitions of Humor

Joke of the Week 1999

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For the week of September 26, 1999

A magician was performing on a cruise ship, and since the audience was different each week, he repeated the same tricks. The captain's parrot watched the show every week and learned the secrets of the magician's tricks. During the show the parrot would then reveal the secrets to the audience by squawking, "Look, it's not the same hat!" "He's hiding the flowers under the table!" "All the cards the Ace of Spades."
The magician was furious but felt powerless to control the the captain's parrot.
One day the ship had an accident and sank. The magician found himself adrift on a piece of wood, and discovered the parrot by his side. They stared at each other, but did not utter a word. This went on for hours until final,y the parrot finally inquired, "I give up. What did you do with the ship ?"

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For the week of September 19, 1999

After driving all night, a man arrived in a small town where he decided to stop in the local park and catch some sleep. Just as he dozed off, there was a knock on the window. Outside the car, was a jogger.
"Excuse me, can you give me the time?" the jogger inquired.
"Groggily, the man replied, "It's 6:27."
The man closed his eyes and just as he dozed off there was another knock on the window. There stood another jogger who said, "I'm sorry to disturb you. Do you have the time?", Struggling to keep up his spirits he replied, "It's 6:34."
The man rolled up the window but realizing that this could go on indefinitely, he took paper and pen and created a sign which read:
He stuck the sign in the window, closed his eyes, and was barely asleep when there came yet another tap on the window. The man looked and sure enough, there was another jogger. He disgustedly rolled down the window and said, "Yeah, what is it?"
The jogger replied, "It's 6:42."
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For the week of September 12, 1999
This week's joke is in honor of the Jewish High Holy Days

Moishe, a lonely widower, was strolling home one day when he passed a pet store and heard a voice squawking in Yiddish.  With disbelief he stood before a parrot that continued to speak Yiddish. Moishe excitedly entered the store where the store owner explained that the parrot had been owned by a canter who had recently died. The parrot had been left with no one to care for him. Moishe could hardly contain his excitement and immediately purchased the bird. That night he and the parrot prayed in Yiddish, and talked in Yiddish  late into the night.

As things happen, the next day was Rosh Hashanah. Moishe was so excited and exuberant about the parrot that he took the bird with him to services. The Rabbi and members of the congregation insisted that Moishe leave the parrot outside the synagogue, but Moishe pleaded with them to allow such a special parrot to stay and pray with him.

Wanting to teach Moishe a lesson the Rabbi agreed to allow the parrot inside but insisted that Moishe cover all bets from the congregation as to whether or not the parrot would pray. The members of the congregation were all too happy to place their bets on such a sure winner while teaching the insistent Moishe a lesson.

As the service began, the congregation watched, but the parrot was silent.  Moishe began to become annoyed with at the parrot who was now making him appear quite foolish. Under his breath he coaxed the parrot to pray but was unsuccessful as the parrot remained silent.

After Rosh Hashanah services were concluded, Moishe paid the money he owed to the congregation and even the Rabbi. As he trudged home, he became more and more dejected but said nothing. Finally, several blocks from home the bird began to sing in Yiddish  and appeared quite pleased with himself. Moishe stopped and glared at the bird.

"You ungrateful bird, you cost me a bundle and embarrassed me in front of my friends. Why did you do such a thing?

"Moishe," the parrot replied, "Don't be a fool; Think of the odds we'll get on Yom Kippur!"
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For the week of September 5, 1999
This week's Joke of the Week is dedicated to all those who had the opportunity to enjoy a cruise vacation.

From the Cruise director come the top 10 dumb questions asked by passengers.

10.  Does the ship generate its own electricity?
(Or is there a long extension cord reaching back to the dock)

9. At what elevation are we sailing?
(For those of you who do not know, ocean vessels sail at sea level!)

8. Does the crew sleep on board?

7. Is the water in the toilet fresh water or salt water?
(Does it really matter?)

6. Do the stairs run both up and down?

5. Is there music in the disco?

4. What do they do with the ice sculptures after they have melted?

3. When the ship's photographer takes our picture, if the pictures are not numbered how do we know which one is ours?

2. Which elevator do I take to get to the front of the ship?

The number one question requires a moment of explanation.  On one particular ship the carpet in the elevators has the day of the week on it and is therefore, replaced everyday with the appropriate day's carpet.   When informed of this one passenger inquired:

1. Do they change the carpet on each floor?

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For the week of August 29, 1999
This week's Joke of the Week offers a view of some alternate definitions.

:  A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.   Beauty Parlor:  A place where women curl up and dye.

Cannibal:  Someone who is fed up with people.
Committee:  A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.
Dust:  Freeze dried mud.
Egotist:  Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.
Gossip:  A person who will never tell a lie if the truth will do more damage.   Handkerchief:   Cold Storage.
Inflation:  Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.
Mosquito:  An insect that makes you like flies better.
Raison:  Grape for the ages.
Secret:  Something you tell to one person at a time.
Skeleton:  A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.
Toothache:  The pain that drives you to extraction.
Tomorrow:  One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.
Yawn:  An honest opinion openly expressed.

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For the week of August 22, 1999

Two men were sitting in a doctors office.
"What are you here for?" asked one.
"Circumcision," came the reply.
"I had one of those the day after I was born," the first man commented. "Afterward, I couldn't walk for a year."

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For the week of August 15, 1999
There's Still Time this summer to go for a swim in the local pool but remember:
Little Johnny is approached by the lifeguard at the public
swimming pool. "You're not allowed to pee in the pool,"
said the lifeguard. "I'm going to report you."

"But everyone pees in the pool," said Little Johnny.

"Maybe," said the lifeguard, "but not from the diving board!"

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For the week of August 8, 1999

A man  frantically telephoned his wife's obstetrician, "My wife is having a baby, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" the doctor queried.
"No, you idiot!" the man retorted "This is her husband!"
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For the week of August 1, 1999
(This week's joke is compliments of web surfer Adam)

Old buddies Father Mulhaney and Rabbi Silverman were having their monthly breakfast. Father Mulhaney was enjoying his usual bacon and eggs, while Rabbi Silverman was savoring his lox and bagels .
Father Mulhaney asked, "Would you like to try a piece of bacon?  Lots of people eat bacon,  and it is very tasty.  Why don't you try a piece?"
Rabbi Silverman replied, "You are quite right, my friend.  I think I will try some bacon."
"When?" asked the priest.
"At your wedding, of course," responded the rabbi.


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For the week of July 25, 1999

In Case You're Planning A Trip To The Mountains

In light of the rising frequency of human  grizzly bear conflicts, the U.S. Department of Fish and Game is advising hikers, hunters, and fishermen to take extra precautions and keep alert for bears while in the field. We advise that outdoorsmen wear noisy little bells on their clothing so as not to startle bears that aren't expecting them. We also advise outdoorsmen to carry pepper spray with them in case of an encounter with a bear. It is also a good idea to watch out for fresh signs of bear activity. Outdoorsmen should recognize the difference between black bear and grizzly bear scat. Black bear scat is smaller and contains lots of berries and squirrel fur. Grizzly bear scat has little bells in it and smells like pepper.

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For the week of July 18, 1999

Axioms For The Internet Age
Submitted by K Stron
1. Home is where you hang your @
2. The E-mail of the species is more deadly than the mail.
3. A journey of a thousand sites begins with a single click.
4. You can't teach a new mouse old clicks.
5. Great groups from little icons grow.
6. Speak softly and carry a cellular phone.
7. C:\is the root of all directories.
8. Don't put all your hypes in one home page.
9. Pentium wise; pen and paper foolish.
10. The modem is the message.
11. Too many clicks spoil the browse.
12. The geek shall inherit the earth.
13. A chat has nine lives.
14. Don't byte off more than you can view.
15. Fax is stranger than fiction.
16. What boots up must come down.
17. Windows will never cease.
18. In Gates we trust.
19. Virtual reality is its own reward.
20. Modulation in all things.
21. A user and his leisure time are soon parted.
22. There's no place like
23. Know what to expect before you connect.
24. Oh, what a tangled website we weave when first we practice.
25. Speed thrills.
26. Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; teach him to use the Net and he won't bother you for weeks.

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For the week of July 11, 1999

A young woman enters a catholic convent of a very strict order, compelled to a vow of silence, and poverty. After her first three years of training, she is brought to the mother superior for her review.  "My dear, you have been with us for three years now, and as is our custom, you will be allowed to speak two words.
The girl thinks for a moment and says " food bad. "
" Very well", replies the mother superior, "You may go for another three years of silence." Time passes and the girl returns after another three years of silence and prayer.
"Young lady, you have now passed another three years in your preperation to be a nun, again you may have two words to say."
The girl, with some hesitation, states, "Bed hard."
Again, her superior dismisses her to her final three years of silence and devotion.
Finally, in her last appraisal before her final vows, the girl, now more mature, goes before her superior.  "Well, my dear, you have now completed nine years of silence and self denial, what will be your final two words prior to your life of silence ?"
"The woman, without hesitation, responded, "I Quit !"
The mother superior , sadly shaking her head told her " I'm not surprised.    In your nine years here, you've done nothing but complain ".

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For the week of July 4, 1999

(Do you think our founding fathers ever thought we would come to this?)

Only in America Only in America... ?

can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance... ?

there are handicap parking places in front of a skating rink... ?

do people order double cheeseburgers, a large fry, and a diet coke... ?

do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters... ?

do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and leave useless things and junk in boxes in the garage... ?

do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place... ?

do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight... ?

do we use the word "politics" to describe the process so well: "Poli" in Latin meaning "many" and "tics" meaning "blood-sucking creatures"... ?

do we have drive up ATM machines with Braille for the blind...

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For 1999 Joke of the Week April-June, 1999 enter.gif (3615 bytes)

For 1999 Joke of hte Week January-April 15 enter.gif (3615 bytes)

For  1998 Joke of the Week January-June enter.gif (3615 bytes)

For  1998 Joke of the Week July-December enter.gif (3615 bytes)

For  1997 Joke of the Week enter.gif (3615 bytes)

Humor Matters™

Steven M. Sultanoff, Ph.D.
Mirthologist and Clinical Psychologist
3972 Barranca Pkwy. Suite J-221
Irvine, CA 92606