HumorMatterstm
Joke of the Week 1999
October-December

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Twas the Day After Christmas
From my friend and fellow jester, Patty.

Twas the day after Christmas, and all through the house, Every
creature was hurtin' even the mouse.

The toys were all broken, their batteries dead; Santa passed out, with
some ice on his head.

Wrapping and ribbons just covered the floor, while Upstairs the family
continued to snore.

And I in my T-shirt, new Reeboks and jeans, I went into the kitchen
and started to clean.

When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter, I sprang from the
sink to see what was the matter.

Away to the window I flew like a flash, tore open the curtains, and
threw up the sash.

When what to my wondering eyes should appear, But a little white
truck, with an oversized mirror.

The driver was smiling, so lively and grand; The patch on his jacket
said "U.S. POSTMAN."

With a handful of bills, he grinned like a fox. Then quickly he
stuffed them into our mailbox.

Bill after bill, after bill, they still came. Whistling and shouting
he called them by name:

"Now Dillard's, now Broadway's, now Penny's and Sears Here's
Robinson's, Levitz's and Target's and Mervyn's.

To the tip or your limit, every store, every mall, Now
chargeaway--chargeaway--chargeaway all!"

He whooped and he whistled as he finished his work. He filled up the
box, and then turned with a jerk.

He sprang to his truck and he drove down the road, Driving much faster
with just half a load.

Then I heard him exclaim with great holiday cheer, "ENJOY WHAT YOU
BOUGHT.......YOU'LL BE PAYING ALL YEAR!"

 

For the week of December 26, 1999
Now that Christmas is over let us examine Jesus's heritage

Three proofs that Jesus was Jewish:
1. He went into his father's business.
2. He lived at home until the age of 33.
3. He was sure his mother was a virgin, and his mother was sure he was god.

Three proofs that Jesus was Irish:
1. He never got married.
2. He was always telling stories.
3. He loved green pastures.

Three proofs that Jesus was Puerto Rican:
1. His first name was Jesus.
2. He was bilingual.
3. He was always being harassed by the authorities.

Three proofs that Jesus was Italian:
1. He talked with his hands.
2. He had wine with every meal.
3. He worked in the building trades.

Three proofs that Jesus was Californian:
1. He never cut his hair.
2. He walked around barefoot.
3. He invented a new religion.

And finally...... Three proofs that Jesus was Black:
1. He called everybody brother.
2. He liked gospel.
3. He couldn't get a fair trial

For the week of December 19, 1999

For additional Christmas humor be sure to visit our Christmas Humor section

A Holiday Disclaimer From Your Lawyer

Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit our best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low stress, non-addictive, gender neutral, celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasions and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all . . . . . and a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling, and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2000, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make America great, (not to imply that America is necessarily greater than any other country or is the only "AMERICA" in the western hemisphere), and without regard to the race, creed, color, age, physical ability, religious faith, choice of computer platform, or sexual preference of the wishee.

(By accepting this greeting, you are accepting these terms. This greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal. It is freely transferable with no alteration to the original greeting. It implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for her/himself or others, and is void where prohibited by law, and is revocable at the sole discretion of the wisher. This wish is warranted to perform as expected within the usual application of good tidings for a period of one year, or until the issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes first, and warranty is limited to replacement of this wish or issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the wisher.)

For the week of December 12, 1999

Here's one of those creative fruit cake recipes

HOLIDAY RECIPE  

1 C Water 
1 C Sugar 
4 Large eggs 
3 C dried fruit 
1 tsp. baking soda 
1 tsp. salt 
1 C Brown sugar 
Lemon juice, nuts 
1 FULL bottle of your favorite whiskey  

Sample the whiskey to check for quality. Take out a large bowl. Check  the whiskey again to be sure that it is of the highest quality. Pour 1   level cup and drink. Repeat. Turn on the electric mixer; beat 1 C of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add 1 tsp. sugar and beat again. Make sure the whiskey is still OK. Cry another tup. Turn off the mixer. Break two legs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit. Mix on the turner. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaters, pry it loose with a drewscriver.  Sample the whiskey to check for tonsisticity. Next, sift 2 cups of salt.  Or something. Who cares? Check the whiskey. Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one tablespoon of sugar or something...whatever you can find. Grease the oven. Turn on the cake tin to 350 degrees.  Don't forget to beat the turner. Throw the bowl out of the window. Check the whiskey again. Go to bed. Who the hell likes fruit cake anyway???

For the week of December 5, 1999

This week we begin our countdown of Christmas humor.

For additional Christmas humor be sure to visit our Christmas humor section

The following are alternatives to popular Christmas Tunes

1. Bleached Yule

2. Castaneous-colored Seed Vesicated in a Conflagration

3. Singular Yearning for the Twin Anterior Incisors

4. Righteous Darkness

5. Arrival Time:2400 hrs - Weather:Cloudless

6. Loyal Followers Advance

7. Far Off in a Feeder

8. Array the Corridor

9. Bantam Male Percussionist

10. Monarchial Triad

11. Nocturnal Noiselessness

12. Jehovah Deactivate Blithe Chevaliers

13. Red Man En Route to Borough

14. Frozen Precipitation Commence

15. Proceed and Enlighten on the Pinnacle

16. The Quadruped with the Vermillion Probiscis

17. Query Regarding Identity of Descendant

18. Delight for this Planet

19. Give Attention to the Melodious Celestial Beings

20. The Dozen Festive 24 Hour Intervals

The Answers...If you want more like these click here

For the week of November 28, 1999

A minister of a city church enjoyed a few drinks, but his passion was for peach brandy. One of his congregants would make him a bottle each Christmas. One year, when the minister went to visit his friend, hoping for his usual Christmas present, he was not disappointed, but his friend told him that he had to thank him for the peach brandy from the pulpit the next Sunday. In his haste to get the bottle, the minister hurriedly agreed and left. So the next Sunday the minister suddenly remembered that he had to make a public announcement that he was being supplied alcohol from a member of the church. That morning, his friend sat in the church with a grin on his face, waiting to see the minister's embarrassment. The minister climbed into the pulpit and said, "Before we begin, I have an announcement. I would very much like to thank my friend, Joe, for his kind gift of peaches... and for the spirit in which they were given!"
(submitted by Alan Webster)

For the week of November 21, 1999

Thanksgiving is a traditional American Holiday where families all over the United States sit for dinnner at the same time---Halftime

Be sure to visit our Thanksgiving Humor page

For the week of November 14, 1999

A lady approaches her priest and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing." "What do they say?" the priest inquired. "They only know how to say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Want to have some fun?'" "That's terrible!" the priest exclaimed, "but I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots whom I taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn to praise and worship." "Thank you!" the woman responded. The next day the woman brings her female parrots to the priest's house. His two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her two female parrots in with the male parrots. Immediately, the female parrots say, "Hi, we're prostitutes, want to have some fun?" One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and exclaims, "Put the beads away. Our prayers have been answered!"

For the week of November 7, 1999

My grandmother, who lived in Tucson, was well-known for her faith and lack of reticence in talking about it. She would go out on the front porch and say, "Praise the Lord!" Her next door neighbor would shout back, "There ain't no Lord!" During those days, my grandmother was very poor, so the neighbor decided to prove his point by buying a large bag of groceries and placing it at her door. The next morning, Grandmother went to the porch and, seeing the groceries, said, "Praise the Lord!" The neighbor stepped out from behind a tree and said, "I brought those groceries, and there ain't no Lord." Grandmother replied, "Lord, you not only sent me food but you made the devil pay for it."

For the week of October 31, 1999

Be sure to visit our Halloween Section

 

For the week of October 24, 1999

A skeleton walks into a bar.
"He says give me a beer and a towel for a chaser."

For the week of October 17, 1999

From Humor colleague Patty

What is Success?
It Depends...
Consider the circle of life...

At age 4, success is not peeing in your pants.
At age 16, success is "gettin' a little."
At age 25, success is graduation and a wedding.
At age 35, success is about career and family.
At age 55, success is about graduations and weddings.
At age 65, success is "gettin' a little."
At age 90, success is not peeing in your pants.

For the week of October 10, 1999

Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures of the 10 most wanted criminals tacked to a bulletin board, . One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it was really the photo of a wanted person. "Yes," said the policeman. "The detectives are working very hard to capture him." Little Johnny then asked, "Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture!"

For the week of October 3, 1999

This week's joke consists of a series of instructions from the "how dumb do they think we are" category!

Can you follow the Directions:

On Sears hairdryer:
Do not use while sleeping.
(When do they expect me to dry my hair?)

On a bag of Fritos:
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
(Time for that X-Ray vision)

On a bar of Dial soap:
Directions: Use like regular soap.
(As opposed to "irregular" soap?)

On some Swann frozen dinners:
Serving suggestion: Defrost.
(I guess that's a hot suggestion)

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert:
(Printed on bottom of the box)
Do not turn upside down.
(Ooops)

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
Product will be hot after heating.
(Thanks for the "warming")

On packaging for a Rowenta iron:
Do not iron clothes on body.
(But what about those pesky skin wrinkles?)

On Boot's Children's cough medicine:
Do not drive car or operate machinery.
(I wonder if this company needs to review the child labor laws?)

On Nytol sleep aid:
Warning: may cause drowsiness.
(Duh!)

On a Korean kitchen knife:
Warning keep out of children.
(Where else would we store our knives?)

On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights:
For indoor or outdoor use only.
(Unless another use turns them on!)

On a Japanese food processor:
Not to be used for the other use.
(That does make you wonder!)

On Sainsbury's peanuts:
Warning: contains nuts.
(Really, I wonder what kind?)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.
(I guess that explains the basics.)

On a Swedish chainsaw:
Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals.
(It makes you wonder who thought up that directive?)

On a child's superman costume:
Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.
(Unless you are on a plane, of course!)

For 1999 Joke of the Week July-September, 1999

For 1999 Joke of the Week April-June, 1999

For 1999 Joke of hte Week January-April 15

For  1998 Joke of the Week January-June

For  1998 Joke of the Week July-December

For  1997 Joke of the Week

Send your jokes and stories to be considered for the Joke of the Week

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